Righteous Badass

I can’t tell no lies, I’m a fresh phenomenon
Mad hatter, badder than the Necronomicon
Breakfast. Ramadan. Blacklisted actress
Orthodontist. Jim Stafford, “The Swamp Witch.”

Concussions that knock you unconscious
The rocket launchers. Crouch on your haunches
Ninjas haunt this place, “honest Injun!”
Gonna have to take you in on suspicion
Lamp in your crib once you’ve gone to prison;
Fashion an altar to my non-religion!

Ganja pigeon, flutter fast to pass muster
Seal the smokestack, you wack-ass buster!
Kill the Kojak routine, or get the bozack
There’s no way you can pretend you didn’t know that
The J was raw, the E was raw, the S was raw, the S was raw…

The E was raw like you’ve never seen before!
I’ll flip you invertical to clean the floor
Wig removal: I get heads open like convertibles
Maniacal laughter, they say I’m certifiable!
After the massacre, rappers are half asleep -
Their guts for my garters as part of the majesty
Of life’s rich tapestry. You could say it’s habit forming

Like nun school… that’s pretty bad

This morning I’m uncool - hell, superlover, punk!
Beats for the trunk for once! I’m on the hunt
For a Brand New Funk, hops, pack it in the lunch box

Unstoppable being, I’m seeing sunspots
Wheezing - lung doctor, please give me one shot
Adrenalin solution, plus a puff of Ventolin!
No mental institution is a match for the Jester
They should have been warned that I wasn’t born yesterday

Dazzled with a vast array of fantasies I fascinate
For allay'all,rapping to a volleyball, like Castaway!
Lyrically lacerating, Ladies Love Cool
Jesse Dangerously the hard case - harder than Scarface!

Leading up the car chase on foot in my bare feet
With no shoes on. Look at what I daily go through!
No-one is moving when I’m showing and proving
So no-one is getting hurt. I’m Jesse the Extrovert!

I left for work late, I’m arriving what? Tardy!
Laying down the law just to liven up the party
My rhymes run the gamut from cathartic and arty
To the Canadian equivalent of M&Ms: Smarties!

Not to mention hardcore rhymes written on cardboard
With black sharpie markers during breakfast at the Ardmore
Tearoom. Blood loss, A+ in God class. Resume
Regular broadcast lineup. Word
To the Chronicles of Wind-Up Birds!
Be still! I’m absurdly skilled!
With a will to power I kill, devour and smash
You’ll cower and I’ll laugh for like an hour and a half!

Now we’re in the last stage, gearing up for bosses
You may as well quit here and cut your losses!
You pusillanimous pugilist, repugnant Republican
Hacksaw Jim Duggan lookalike; slackjawed, double-knit butthead

You want violence? My talons are blood red!
Liquored up bad Catholic just challenged the Godhead!
Be grateful you’re not dead. You hit planet rock bottom, right?
Julia Childlike! Mandelbrot! Sodomite!

RUN TINGS into the ground, styles impudent!
Shut your insolent mouth unless you’re itching for an incident!
I’ll hit you with the kitchen sink first to get it over with
You feeble-minded evil scientist, you’re malodorous!

A man your age should know the risks inherent in the enterprise. Apparently you don’t, though - hence your imminent demise!
Kiss the sky goodbye, get comfy in your coffin
Never to return to earth… very often