Zombie Jesus (Monologue)

[Interlude]
Speaking of religion, uh
Last year around April
I had taken my son to the dojo
Where he studies karate
He was changing into his street clothes
And I was giving him a hand
And he turns to me
And he says
'Cause obviously he'd overheard some of the other children talking
And he said: "Papa"
And I said: "Yeah?"
And he said: "What's easter?"
And it was like, everybody in there suddenly got whiplash
'Cause they were all like *swoosh"
*Audience laughing*
They all looked at me like I was some kinda crazy devil worshipper
For never having told my son about easter
So I pulled him over and I said
"Well I told you about Jesus Christ and how he was executed for his beliefs"
And he said: "Yeah?"
And I said: "Well, easter is the day that Christians celebrate three days later when he rose from the grave"
And my son looks at me
*Audience laughing*
And his eyes widen
*Audience laughing*
And he says: "Jesus is a zombie?"
*Audience applauding*
He's got like the full on devil horn action going
He's like "Right on!"
And I was like "No, no, no, no, no, no, Jesus is not a zombie"
And that would be totally uncool for you to say
Because you could offend a lot of people
As we all know
You never, ever, ever put down people's religious beliefs
Unless you're on stage, and then go for it
*Audience applauding*
In any case
Here's a little lullaby I wrote for my very, um, insightful, young son