You Won’t Succeed on Broadway

[ARTHUR, spoken]
Have you heard of this "Broadway?"

[ROBIN, spoken]
Yes, sire, and we don't stand a chance there!

[ARTHUR, spoken]
Why not?

[ROBIN, spoken]
Because Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people, people who can sing and dance, often at the same time! They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people...who need people...and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in...the world. I'm sorry, sire, but we don't stand a chance!

[ARTHUR, spoken]
But why?

[ROBIN, spoken]
Well...let me put it like this...

(sung)
In any great adventure
That you don't want to lose
Victory depends upon the people that you choose
So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news
We won't succeed on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews

You may have the finest sets
Fill the stage with Penthouse Pets
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes
You may dance and you may sing
But I'm sorry, Arthur king
You'll hear no cheers
Just lots and lots of boos

[COMPANY]
Boo!

[ROBIN]
You may have have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore
You may even have some animals from zoos
Though you've Poles and Krauts instead
You may have unleavened bread
But I tell you, you are dead
If you don't have any Jews

They won't care if it's witty
Or everything looks pretty
They'll simply say "it's shitty" and refuse
Nobody will go, sir
If it's not Kosher then no show, sir
Even Goyim won't be dim enough to choose
Put on shows that make men stare
With lots of girls in underwear
You may even have the finest of reviews

[CRITIC]
You're doing great!

[ROBIN]
The audience won't care, sir
As long as you don't dare, sir
To open up on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews

(dance sequence)

You may have dramatic lighting
Or lots of horrid fighting
You may even have some white men sing the blues!
Your knights might be nice boys
But sadly we're all goys
And that noise that you call singing you must lose
So, despite your pretty lights
And naughty girls in nasty tights
And the most impressive scenery you use
You may have dancing man a mano
You may bring on a piano
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews!

(dance sequence)

[MEN]
HAY!

(dance sequence continues)

[ROBIN]
Hooooooooo-oy!
Hooooooooo-oy!
You may fill your play with gays
Have Nigerian girls in stays

[GIRLS]
You may even have some shiksas making stews!

[ROBIN and MEN]
You haven't got a clue
If you don't have a Jew
All of your investments you are going to lose!

There's a very small percentile
Who enjoys a dancing gentile
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news!
But never mind your swordplay
You just won't succeed on Broadway
You just don't succeed on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews!

Arthur, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway
To sing a song on Broadway
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose
I tell you, Arthur king
There is one essential thing -
There simply must be, simply must be Jews!

There simply must be -
Arthur trust me -
Simply must be Jews!