You’re The Worst

[FESTE]
My friend, I know you best
But I like you anyway
And a real pal tells the truth
Warts and all the way
Instead of a phony toast
You deserve an honest roast
So let’s all raise a glass
To my favorite pain in the ass
(spoken)
To Sir Toby Belch!

[SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
To Sir Toby Belch!

(sung)
[FESTE]
You're the worst
You’re a slouch

[SIR TOBY, spoken]
Here we go...

[FESTE]
A potato gone bad on the couch

[SIR ANDREW]
You’re a leech
And a glut

[FABIAN]
And your ego’s as big as your gut

[FESTE]
Your burps are so famous they’re part of your name
You smell like perfume made of whiskey and shame
So let me tell you first
That you are the worst

[SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
You are the worst!

[FESTE]
Who is the worst?

[SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
Toby’s the worst!

[SIR ANDREW, spoken]
A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight

[SIR TOBY, spoken]
To Sir Andrew!

[SIR TOBY & FABIAN & BUDDIES, spoken]
To Sir Andrew!

[SIR TOBY]
You’re the worst

[SIR TOBY & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
You’re the worst!

[SIR TOBY]
You’re a drag
Can’t flirt your way out of a paper bag

[FESTE]
You’re a wimp
And naive
It says gullible there on your sleeve

[SIR ANDREW, spoken]
Where?

[SIR TOBY]
So you think you can dance
But trust me, you can’t

[FABIAN]
You’ve the wit of a toad and the brain of an ant

[FESTE & SIR TOBY & FABIAN]
So let me tell you first
That you are the worst!

[SIR TOBY & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
You are the worst

[FESTE]
Who is the worst?

[SIR TOBY & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
Andrew's the worst!

[MARIA, spoken]
What a caterwauling do you keep here!
For the love o' God, peace!

[SIR TOBY, spoken]
To Maria!

[FESTE , SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES, spoken]
To Maria!

[SIR TOBY]
You're the worst!

[SIR TOBY]
You're the…
And you got...
(spoken)
Actually, Maria’s kind of the best, I got nothing
Anyone?

[FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
(Murmuring in agreement)
No, yeah, she’s pretty great. / Can’t think of anything readily. / Hmm, you’re right

[SIR TOBY]
To Feste!

[SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES]
To Feste!

(sung)
[SIR TOBY]
You're the worst

[FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES]
You're the worst
[SIR ANDREW]
You're a fool!

[FESTE, spoken]
Clever

[FABIAN]
And you think you’re just too cool for school

[SIR TOBY]
You’re a smart-ass

[SIR ANDREW]
A smart-ass!

[SIR TOBY]
And a bum

[SIR ANDREW, spoken]
Bum-bum!

[FABIAN]
And your jokes are all pretty dumb

[SIR ANDREW, spoken]
Now who’s dumb?

[SIR TOBY]
You try too sincerely to please every crowd
And you play the accordion for crying out loud

[FESTE, spoken]
It’s a beautiful instrument!

[SIR TOBY]
So let me tell you first
That you are the worst!

[SIR ANDREW, MARIA & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
You are the worst!

[SIR TOBY]
Who is the worst?

[SIR ANDREW, MARIA & FABIAN & BUDDIES]
Feste's the worst!

[SIR TOBY, spoken]
No, I’m the worst!

[SIR ANDREW, spoken]
No, I’m the worst!

[SIR TOBY, spoken]
Feste said that I'm the worst!

[MARIA, spoken]
Ladies, ladies, you’re both pretty much the worst

[FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES]
Good friends have x-ray vision
They see through the mask that you wear
Good friends laugh in derision
To show you that they care!

(Enter MALVOLIO, cutting off the music like a record scratch)

[MALVOLIO, spoken]
My masters, are you mad? Do you make an alehouse of my lady's house? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?

[SIR TOBY, spoken]
To Malvolio!

[FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES, spoken]
To Malvolio!

[MALVOLIO, spoken]
(Flattered)
To me?

[SIR TOBY]
You're the worst

[FESTE, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES]
You're the worst

[MALVOLIO, spoken]
The worst?!

[SIR TOBY]
You're a frown

[MALVOLIO, spoken]
Have you no manners?

[SIR TOBY]
And you poop every party in town
You’re a snob

[MALVOLIO, spoken]
Sir Toby, I must be-

[SIR TOBY]
And a snitch

[MALVOLIO, spoken]
I must be round with you-

[SIR TOBY]
A high-horse-ridin’ son of a bitch

[MARIA]
Gun!

[SIR TOBY]
You think just cause you never had any fun

[SIR ANDREW]
That everyone else shall also have none!

[SIR TOBY]
I’m sure I’m not the first to say
You’re the worst

[FESTE, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES]
You are the worst!

[MALVOLIO, spoken]
I am not the worst!

[FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES]
Malvolio's the worst

[FESTE, spoken]
He’s actually the worst though

[FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES]
You are the worst
Let’s hear it for your true friends
Who tell ya straight to your face
That you’re a disgrace!
Hear hear!