Yin Yang Self-Meditation

Hi, my name is Charlotte Adigéry
First of all, I would like you to thank yourself for taking a time-out.
 In this day and age it is difficult to not becomecompletely alienated from your true self.

We worry about not having enough.
We are anxious about rejection.
We fear being misunderstood.
We even fear things that lie in the future we do not control.
These are all mental concepts.
Fear exists for a good reason.
It protects you from danger.
But you are not in danger now.
You are safe.

So get comfortable,
Lie down or sit up with a straight back.
And with each breath, your body gets into a deeper state of relaxation.

Let us do a breathing cycle
Breathe in for 1, 2, 3, 4
Hold 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Release 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Now repeat this cycle.

To enter this deeper state of relaxation,
I would like you to follow my voice as I go inwards into my own
fears....

As a child I once dreamt that there were eyes of all shapes and colours following me.
 Even eyes in the shape of an exclamation mark. As if to warn me for what was coming. And I had to keep smiling, because if I stopped, the hovering eyes were going to kill me. See me through my eyes.

Why English?
I seldom think in English...
I grew up watching American Tv-shows and now I have this weird hybrid Flemish-American accent that makes me feel like a fake.

How do people find the time to have coffee.? And why does everybody want to have coffee with me?
 
I feel so bad because I never make it. And sometimes I do because otherwise I feel like an arrogant busy person who doesn’t think of her friends.
 But if I would have coffee every time somebody asks me, I’d be having coffees 24/7.

I have such a problem with self-discipline. What’s wrong with me? I ate way too much way too late yesterday. Spent the whole night digesting. I was so restless. 
And I told myself I was not gonna do that anymore! I’m 29 years old, I should get rid of thes patterns that don’t serve me in any way. And why am I always awake before my alarm goes off every day. 
All these haunting to-do lists in my head always make me get up with a deep feeling of guilt.
 Drop the phone.
 Don’t check it. Stay in bed a little longer. Think about what you are grateful for. Visualize it. I’m grateful to be doing what I love, I’m grateful for the beautiful person I wake up next to. I’m grateful for my mom. 
I’m... Shit, I need to finish that written interview. And how come they always ask the same questions over and over again? It’s so easy to have me write everything down. Is it because I’m a new artist that I should put up with that? Should I be grateful for the attention?

Now, let go of this mental interpretation.
You exist with or without it.
Thank the fears and say goodbye.
Let it go. Your body knows what to do.

Breathe in for 1, 2, 3, 4
Hold 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Release 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

I should stop eating sugar again. I was so slim in March and I gained all the weight back again.
I don’t feel like I’m overdoing it though so, what happened? I’m gonna start dieting tomorrow, no more excuses!
Should I wear a wig again today? 
Or my afro?
 I look like a little boy with my afro though. I wish it was longer. People stare so much when I wear the blonde one.
 So for now, I’ll wear another wig.
I wish I looked better without make-up. A natural beauty.
 Like the ones on Instagram. The Melanin Magic type. 
But without the shallow bullshit...
 Why aren’t I as pretty as these Instagram girls. They sing well, they look beautiful. 
How will I ever stand out?
 Most of the time I feel like all their energy went into their appearance, not their voice and not at all into their music. Maybe if I looked like them I wouldn’t have searched for that deeper meaning. It would all be too easy if I was a typical beauty.

I’m tired of always having to explain or defend myself. Even on the most shallow subject... Or maybe I just have to accept who I am. Wherever I am. Home is in my body. Fuck their opinions.
 And whenever somebody takes the liberty to give their opinion about how I you look I’ll let them know I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t have to be polite for the two of us. And I guess I look OK. So to me, embracing myself is the most attractive thing to be. God, Charlotte you’ve had this conversation so many times. Why can’t you just let it go, you know all of this.

I really should meditate.

Now, let go of this mental interpretation.
You exist with or without it.
Thank the fears and say goodbye.
Let it go. Your body knows what to do.
Breathe in for 1, 2, 3, 4
Hold 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Release 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

I hope I don’t bump into that racist neighbour again. I hate the way he looks
 at me.
 Like I’m some kind of stupid creature.
But why do I care so much?
 Should I go confront him? Let him know that black people aren’t as stupid as he thinks.
But then again, Charlotte don’t let your ego answer his. Living all alone in his apartment with his dog... He clearly is in need of love and compassion. Maybe I should bake him a cake...
Kill the hate with kindness... Transcend the negativity. But when will I ever have the time again to bake a cake...

“Charlotte, I just couldn’t believe it was you driving this fancy car!”
Well yes bitch, even if this is just something materialistic, it symbolises way more. Oh god, that time when the woman in the car called me a ‘fucking monkey. Or that other time when that dude trapped me and slapped me in the face after I took my priority on a priority lane.

And the 3 times people spat in my face... Or when that friend told me it was all my own fault...

Why am I still living here? 
I will always be treated like this. A victim of my own skin colour. I should go live in London, there I don’t have to defend who I am.
You are not a slave of other people’s opinions.
Why am I already preparing myself for things going wrong. Why do
I always have to fear things that aren’t there?

I have such a low self-esteem sometimes that I believe everything is made to turn to shit eventually.

Same with my marriage, it feels so damn good to choose for someone. He is such a beautiful, sincere and pure person.
But I feel like I’m programmed to believe that whatever I do, I’ll end up like my parents. Divorced and alone.
I feel so much anger towards my dad. 
I really want to forgive him. He means so well but damn it when will he realize who I am and not see me as a 15 year old he wants to raise. He seems to always dismiss the fact that I’m away, super busy and too tired to even take care of my own life.

Mhm. I’m still angry. Let it go...

Let go of this mental interpretation.
You exist with or without it.
Thank the fears and say goodbye.
Let it go. Your body knows what to do.

Breathe in for 1, 2, 3, 4
Hold 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Release 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

So many miles, so many kilometers.
A lot of artists go on like this for years! Making it hard to readapt back home...
I hope my relationship will survive this, well actually, my marriage.
It’s all about communication I guess. And we have a very good base. He let’s me be me. I come home when I’m with him.
I wonder what the show is gonna be like. Playing for a home crowd can be so intense.

I’m gonna bump into a lot of people. No doubt... I used to be good at this, loved being amongst people, socializing, getting to know new people.
 And now I dread it.
It’s not the contact in itself though. It’s the small talk and being interrupted during every conversation to then start a new one.

Who’s knocking at the door again?
I need this time before the show for myself. How do people not realise this? A lot of people still think that I’m little Charlotte, who always smiles and is super friendly.

I love this part though, my ritual. Make up and Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee time. Painting my face while laughing. I need to
warm up my voice though. But it’s so boring.

There’s a room full of people who want to see me. Let’s get into the performance vibe, I am exactly where I wanted to be.

People look interested and receptive but I shouldn’t look for a reaction too much and I should get into that state I love so much.
Connection, energy, smiles, euphoria, dancing.. Hah, this is what I am supposed to do!!!
Oh my god this guy knows all the lyrics!
Don’t cry. Smile!
Damn, our last song already?

I’m soaking. Need to get some air. 
Remember what you told yourself! You thanked the people on stage, you don’t have to do anymore of that. 
I have to respond though. Can’t just ignore them. They’re so generous and enthousiastic.
 OK, one small conversation and then off you go. 
Oh my, they’re mental. Deliciously crazy. But 3 people talking to me at the same... Ugh, this guy is interupting, say sorry to the people you’re talking to. No no, don’t say sorry, I can’t do more than this. Oh god, selfie guy is resting his hand a little too low.
 Why do these kinds of men always have to have the feeling that they own you in that moment. Ah, people I know from that other gig I did. My next gig’s sold out? I know! Maybe I should put them on the guestlist, they’re so kind! 
Girl, you’ll only get 4 spots. Stop giving what you don’t have.
 F*CK, dude why are you interrupting, you clearly see that I’m talking. Oh, he wants a picture. Say sorry to the people you were talking to. NO DON’T F*CKING SAY SORRY. IT’S THIS GUY WHO’S BEING RUDE NOT YOU. 
OH HOW, I DREADED THIS MOMENT.
 OK, finish this conversation and move on.
 I’m starting to feel a little dizzy. Too hot, haven’t taken the time to blow off steam after the show. I need to be alone a little while.
 Ah this fucking guy is taking pictures without asking.
Let me talk to him. Make a joke. Don’t be rude.
You want to book me for your next Jungle themed-party? His friend is laughing. Oh ok, yeah. Good joke. Yeah, I’ll be your entertainment monkey... Or isn’t that what he meant?
But I heard these jokes before by that type of guys. 
Pfff, this is horrible. 
I just wanna say hi to my mom. She’s so cute, waiting patiently till I finish talking to these people.
Ah hey yes thank you, happy you enjoyed the gig.
Yes, that is a nice feminisim-shirt, Yeah, girl power. 
Did you enjoy the show? oh no stop asking, but I don’t wanna be rude! But this girl doesn’t realize it.
 All these fucking questions.
 Ok, ignoring me. 
Ahhh ok, more stories about you.
Fucking hell can’t you see I’m exhausted? I can’t take it anymore. Why can’t people be more considerate? He even went to look for me in my dressing room.
 Should I scream? 
Leave me alone.
 Can’t you see I’m tired.
Stop it.
 Can’t breath. OK tell your mom you’re not feeling well. The only person you actually wanted to talk to. Go out.
Guy wanting to talk to me is blocking the way. I’m having a fucking panic attack. Can’t be polite any longer, push him out of the way. But say sorry.
Go. Go. 
You’re hyperventilating.
Fuck.
Breath. I’m fucking drained. People leave me alone.
 My boyfriend. hmmm, he truly understands me.

Breathe. He understands. Come back to your core. 
It’s safe inside yourself. 
Listen to your own voice.
 Your body is your home. You are always safe in your own body.
Let go of what you think peoplewant of you.
Let it go, your body knows what to do.

Let go of this mental interpretation.
You exist with our without it.
Thank the fears and say goodbye.
Let it go. Your body knows what to do.

Breathe in for 1, 2, 3, 4
Hold 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Release 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Now I would like to invite you to create your own thought-pattern self-meditation on the b-side of this tape. 
Everytime you feel you are ready to let go of a pattern you say:

Now let go of this mental interpretation.
You exist with our without it.
Thank the fears and say goodbye.
Let it go.