Words of Advice for Young People

People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people... Well, here are a few simple admonitions for young and old:

Never interfere in a boy-and-girl fight.

Beware of whores who say they don't want money. The hell they don't. What they mean is they want more money. Much more.

If you're doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch, get it in writing. His word isn't worth shit, not with the good lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

Avoid fuck-ups. You all know the type. Anything they have anything to do with, no matter how good it sounds, turns into a disaster.

Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill. Tell them firmly: I am not paid to listen to this dribble! You are a terminal F.U.!

Now, some of you may encounter the Devil's Bargain, if you get that far. Any old soul is worth saving, at least to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying, so you can take the offer as a compliment. He tries the easy ones first. You know, like money, all the money there is.
But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery? Money won't buy. Not much left to spend it on, eh gramps? Getting too old to cut the mustard.

Like three card monte, like pea under the shell, now you see it, now you don't. Haven't you forgotten something, gramps? In order to feel something, you've got to be there. You have to be eighteen. You're not eighteen. You are seventy-eight.

Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

Well they always try the easiest ones first. How about an honorable bargain? You always wanted to be a doctor, Well now's your chance. Why don't you become a great healer and benefit humanity? What's wrong with that?

Just about everything.

There are no honorable bargains involving exchange of qualitative merchandise, like souls, or quantitative merchandise, like time and money. So piss off, Satan, and don't take me for dumber than I look.

An old junk pusher told me, "Watch whose money you pick up."