Whoever Said Gambling’s For Suckers

It was a Sunday, a normal day at the track
I'd hedged my bets and cashed my checks for the week
I mean, the track was wet so the dogs were running slow
Plus the cold air made the starting gates jam
But I did alright
Other than that, a normal day at the track

Everyone had left except for one of the trainers
Who'd lost nearly everything on his last dog
So he was drinking like a priest at the rapture
Stacy was working
She had just broken up with her boyfriend
Who'd skipped town with her car and her life's savings that morning
So she was on edge
It took nothing more than for me to ask her how she was doing
And she flipped
That was it

She reached under the bar back and pulled out a big, shiny .44
And pointed it straight at my head
The startled and broken dog trainer, to my left
Welled up and then threw up all over my shoes
And I just got those cleaned, as well
Stacy told me to give her my car, my day's take
Or she'd spray the back wall with my cerebellum

At first I was rocked, shocked, and taken aback
By her half-cocked, locked, and stocked .44
But then the strangest thing happened
That look in her eye; no fear, no compromise
Sent me on a spin, I could've taken her right there and then
She had me sweating, that was for sure
But not from fear, from lust
I trusted her volition was in no condition to drive
So I said

Hold me hostage, put the gun against my head
Hold me hostage, honey, you heard what I said

At this point, Dale, the dog trainer, had passed out
From either too much sorrow-drowning and whiskey-pounding
Or just fainted out of fear, which I didn't understand
The man had nothing left
A perfect night to feel the hand of death
And what a way to go, all it would've taken was some barroom heroics
And Stacy would've wasted him
So now it was me and her, and I couldn't break her gaze
Me and her dreaming of all the ways we could spend our days
Still, confusion stood heavy on her complexion
So I said again

Hold me hostage, put the gun against my head
Hold me hostage, honey, you heard what I said

Still looking impatient and confused
I decided I would explain my arousal
And state my proposal
That she and I, with love in eyes, and trust
Be thrust into blood-lust together
Forever and ever, until vengeance do we part
And I said again

Hold me hostage, put the gun against my head
Hold me hostage, honey, you heard what I said

Then I said
Take me with you, take me whilst you can
Take me with you, honey, I'll hunt down your man

After still questioning the persistence in my assistance
I lied and said that, as a bookie, I was used to this bounty-hunting kind of thing
And that we could find him, kill him
Retrieve her life's savings and the beat-up old Pontiac
And be back before the track open again on Wednesday
I said as payment, for my act of chivalry/hired mercenary
Would be that she fed me, bathed me, and made love to me
With the same bold conviction as she felt for her burgeoning retribution

As I looked deeper into her eyes I thought, was she really gonna take me?
To have and to hold... hostage
In sickness and in health
And in bullet-riddled wealth
So I said

Take me with you, take me whilst you can
Take me with you, honey, I'll hunt down your man

And then it happened
She slowly walked along the bar back
Knocking each bottle of cheap swill off the shelf with each swing of her hips
As she rounded the service alley
She unclasped her bra, threw it on the bar
Straddled me on my stool, said, "You crazy fool,"
And kissed me
Long and slow
Gun around my neck and neckline full of sweat
She took me right there and then on the floor
Next to poor old Pale Dale
(She said)

I'll take you with me, take you while I can
I''ll take you with me, honey, you can be my man

So we took off, drove around for a couple of weeks
Making whoopee the whole way long
Found her man, empty pockets
We left him lying in a pool of his own urine
Couldn't kill him
No fun shooting a coward, anyhow

So we took the Pontiac and opened a bar back in Savannah
She pours the shots, and I run the slots
Been married seven years
Living off quarters and beers
She still brings the gun to bed every now and then
Gets her kissin' through my submission
So there it is;
The last and best bet I ever made
Whoever said gambling's for suckers?