Who’s Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I

[DAN]
Who's crazy, the husband or wife?
Who's crazy to live their whole life
Believing that somehow things aren't as bizarre as they are?
Who's crazy, the one who can't cope?
Or maybe, the one who'll still hope?
The one who sees doctors or the one who just waits in the car?
And I was a wild twenty-five
And I loved a wife so alive
But now I believe I would settle for one who can drive

[DR. FINE, spoken]
...The round blue ones with food, but not with the oblong white ones. The white ones with the round yellow ones, but not the trapezoidal green ones. Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel, use a mortar and pestle to grind...

[DIANA]
My psychopharmacologist and I
It's like an odd romance:
Intense and very intimate
We do our dance
My psychopharmacologist and I
Call it a lover's game
He knows my deepest secrets
I know his name

And though he'll never hold me
He'll always take my calls
It's truly like he told me
Without a little lift, the ballerina falls

[ENSEMBLE]
Do doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Goodman, Diana: Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes. Sixteen year history of medication. Adjustment after one week.

[DIANA, spoken]
I've got less anxiety but I have headaches, blurry vision, and I can't feel my toes.

[DR. FINE, spoken]
So we'll try again, and eventually, we'll get it right.

[DIANA, spoken]
Not a very exact science, is it?

[ENSEMBLE]
Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanax
Depakote, Klonopin, Ambien, Prozac
Ativan calms me when I see the bills
These are a few of my favorite pills

[DIANA, spoken]
Ooh, thank you, doctor, Valium is my favorite color. How'd you know?

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Goodman, Diana: Second adjustment after three weeks. Delusions less frequent, but depressive state worse.

[DIANA, spoken]
I'm nauseous and I'm constipated, completely lost my appetite and gained six pounds, which, you know, is just not fair.

[ENSEMBLE]
May cause the following side effects, one or more:
Dizziness, drowsiness, sexual dysfunction

[NAT, DIANA, & DR. FINE, DAN, GABE, & HENRY]
Headaches and Diarrhea
Tremors and Constipation
Nightmares and Nervous laughter
Seizures Palpitations

[ENSEMBLE]
Anxiousness, anger, exhaustion, insomnia, irritability, nausea, vomiting...

[DIANA]
Odd and alarming sexual feelings

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh, and one last thing:

[DR. FINE]
Use may be fatal

[GABE]
Use may be fatal

[DAN]
Use may be fatal

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Goodman, Diana: Third adjustment after five weeks. Reports continued mild anxiety and some lingering depression.

[DIANA, spoken]
I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat profusely for no reason. Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex. Although, whether that's the medicine or the marriage is anybody's guess.

[DR. FINE, spoken]
I'm sure it's the medicine.

[DIANA, spoken]
Oh, thank you, that's very sweet, but my husband's waiting in the car.

[DAN]
Who's crazy, the one who's half gone?
Or maybe the one who holds on?
Remembering when she was twenty and brilliant and bold
And I was so young, and so dumb
And now I am old

[DAN & DIANA]
And she was wicked and wired And though he'll never hold me
The sex was simply inspired He'll always take my calls
Now there's no sex, she's depressed It's truly like he told me
And me, I'm just tired, tired, tired, tired Without a lift, the ballerina falls

Who's crazy, the one who's uncured? My psychopharmacologist and I...
Or maybe the one who's implored? Together side by side
The one who has treatment Without him I'd die
Or the one who just deals with the pain? My psychopharmacologist and I...

[ENSEMBLE]
Wee-oo, wee-oo, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum...

[DAN]
They say love is blind...
But believe me, love is insane

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Goodman, Diana: Seven weeks.

[DIANA, spoken]
I don't feel like myself. I mean, I don't feel anything.

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Hm. Patient stable.