White People (Scene)

[Skit: Kevin Randolph & Steven Blum]

[KAI:]
Yeah, then the bitch said, “Use a condom.” And I said, “Baby, there’s like 10 people left in existence, fuck does it matter?”

[THOMAS:]
You didn’t say that...

[KAI:]
Man, yes I did!

[THOMAS:]
No, you didn’t...

[KAI:]
I’m a grown ass man, what? I’ma lie to you? I’ma lie?
Alright, maybe I just thought it—but damn, she was just so butt naked! I’d wrap her up with a trash bag just to get in it, you know what I’m saying?

[THALIA:]
Guys, we seem to be approaching another ship...

[THOMAS:]
What?

[KAI:]
Impossible!

[THOMAS:]
How far?

[THALIA:]
32 kilometers...

[THOMAS:]
Shit... HQ this is pilot Quentin Thomas, accompanied by my first man in charge of infantry William Kai of the Aquarius 3, come in, over...

[HEADQUARTERS:]
HQ here. What is it, Thomas?

[THOMAS:]
My program has just informed me and my partner of another ship that’s now 31 kilometers out...

[HEADQUARTERS:]
Did you just say another ship?

[KAI:]
Yeah, that's what he said!
Another fuckin' ship in the middle of space, man!!

[THALIA:]
I’ve gathered information from the ship’s motherboard...

[HEADQUARTERS:]
Engage the ship!

[KAI:]
What?!

[THOMAS:]
Copy!

[THALIA:]
I’m receiving audio embedded in the ship’s distress signal...

[KAI:]
Man—
Why white people always gotta go investigating shit, man?!

[THOMAS:]
Shut up Kai—Thalia, playback message!

[THALIA:]
You got it...

[SMITH:]
This is Captain Christopher Smith of the Aquarius 1—the year is 2093—time unknown. The entire crew is dead, and I fear these are my last hours. Whatever you do, do not come knocking—

[KAI:]
Aw, hell nah—we gotta get the fuck outta here man!!

[THOMAS:]
HQ, engagement is a no go!
Permission of the Aquarius 3 to push through to Paradise?

[HEADQUARTERS:]
Permission granted!

[KAI:]
Man, thank God!