Where I’m At

[CRAIG, spoken]
It's so hard to talk... when you wanna kill yourself

[CAST]
Woah

[CRAIG, sung]
I haven’t figured out a decent word
To take the lead of the phrase to describe this thought
It's a word with a "dis-" like a thick disorder
A disease, disappointment, disaster, distraught

Disruptive and draining
The paint on the walls
Of my brain is all flaky and peeling away
Foundation is shaking
Through smiles that I'm faking
I'm achingly trying to get through each day

These struggles are backed by the fact that compassion is lacking
Like the true definition of real understanding falls flat
There’s a sky up above but I see it all shaking and cracking
And through the cracks I see no answers
I don’t know-

[CRAIG & CAST]
Where I’m at

[CRAIG, spoken]
You're probably wondering, "Uh, why? Why would you wanna kill yourself?" Uh, that's a great question. It's like I hear this relentless buzzing, and it just gets louder, and louder and LOUDER
(sung)
As it starts to build, you can’t look down
Standing off, clench your jaw, you lost sight of normal
Try to stay somewhere safe, like your childhood memories
Too bad you can’t escape the mental thunderstorm

The days on repeat
Every week with a shrink
Face-to-face with a doctor whose interest depleted
Sessions complete
With the same stupid questions
All therapists ask without skipping a beat
(how are you feeling?)

With zero finesse every shrink has expressed
Their endorsement of pills that make life less depressing
Addressing my stresses and pressures subjectively seems like what Doctors might do when they’re guessing

Seventeen years, and emotions are scattered and raging
Numbing the pain with the pill, 'till stability’s flat
But numbing the pain is just dumbing me down, nothing’s changing
I’m staring blankly at the walls
I don’t know-

[CRAIG & COMPANY]
Where I’m at

[CRAIG, spoken & CAST]
And you think! Getting older will make all of this easier. It doesn’t
(Woah)
Getting older just means more responsibilities
(Woah)
And more responsibilities, less help

[CRAIG & CAST]
Frustrations turn into a dim-lit light
On in the middle of a room at night
Can't see the little bit of glow
(Glow)
No

Wrong or right, no one seems to bother asking
(Wrong or right)
If we might need a little middle-of-the-road
(If we might, oh)
How could you know?
I guess you had to be there
(I tried to tell you but you don’t understand, I tried to tell you but you don’t understand)
I guess you had to be there
(I tried to tell you but you don’t understand)
(Don't understand)
And that's just-

[CRAIG & CAST]
Where I’m at

[CRAIG]
Always scared of my potential
Never get how I'm essential
Yeah that's-

[CRAIG & CAST]
Where I'm at

[CRAIG]
Where you’re force-fed what they hand you
And your friends don’t understand you

[AARON, spoken]
Sup, dick!

[CRAIG, spoken]
This is Aaron! We've been friends for exactly two years. The things I know about him are: he’s handsome. Uh, he has a 7.9 GPA. He can juggle. Uh, he's loaded, and he's single-handedly keeping the marijuana industry alive

[AARON, spoken]
Nia's coming over

[CRAIG, spoken]
Oh, one more thing? I like girls. Well, actually, I like girl

[NIA, spoken]
Hi, Craig!

[CRAIG, spoken]
Hey-
Uh, this is Nia? I’ve known her for exactly five years, she’s known me for exactly one. The things I know about her are: her favorite TV show is "World's Wildest Police Chases"! Her favorite number is 37! Uh, she’s a budding amateur bowler. And she’s as beautiful and as curvy as the New York City skyline. I like her. A lot

[NIA, spoken]
Hey, babe!

[CRAIG, spoken]
Oh one more thing, uh, she’s dating Aaron

[NIA, spoken]
Uh, babe, are you still good for Webster Hall on Saturday?

[AARON, spoken]
Ooh, can't babe. Got a thing

[NIA, spoken]
O-okay, well what about you, Craig-

[CRAIG, spoken]
Oh! Uh-

[NIA, spoken]
Do you know anybody?

[CRAIG, spoken]
Uh no, no. I don’t know anybody

[NIA, spoken]
Okay! You ready to get out of here?

[CRAIG]
Wrong or right, no one seems to bother asking

[NIA, spoken]
See you around, Craig

[CRAIG]
If we might need a little middle-of-the-road

[AARON, spoken]
Later dick!

[CRAIG]
How could you know
Just-

[CRAIG & CAST]
Where i’m at

[CRAIG]
Where your friends don’t care about you
Where they’re better off without you
Look at-

[CRAIG & CAST]
Where I’m at

[CRAIG]
Where your Mom and Dad don’t get you
Try to live, but then forget to
(spoken)
Which brings me to my family! Uh, my family loves me. Well, they put up with me. Well, we put up with each other
(sung)
On paper we're perfect
But paper is thin
As thin as my dad views the state of my skin

[MRS. GILNER, spoken]
George, would you like to say grace?

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Absolutely

[CRAIG]
And so it begins

[CAST]
Ah

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Dear Lord, we ask that you keep...

[CRAIG]
They pray and give thanks
I just stare at my cup
They’ll ask that I eat, but I’ll throw it back up
No one dreads dinners at home like I do

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Craig, how’s the studying going?

[CRAIG]
Right on cue

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Craig! I’m talking to you!

[MRS. GILNER, spoken]
Craig, honey?

[CRAIG]
It's going fine

[MRS. GILNER, spoken]
That's nice!

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Fine is bad

[LEILA, spoken]
More rice!

[CRAIG]
Fine's okay

[MRS. GILNER, spoken]
Fine's not great

[CRAIG]
If you say so

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Craig, listen-

[MRS. GILNER, spoken]
More wine?

[LEILA, spoken]
I think fine is just fine!

[CRAIG, spoken]
This is my sister, Leila. I’ve known her for exactly eleven years! Because she's eleven. Um. She’s one of those kids that can make you believe in reincarnation. I want to be like her when I grow up

[MRS. GILNER, spoken]
Leila, how was your day?

[LEILA]
So today was only Wednesday
We had our weekly quiz

English: got a hundred
Science: got a hundred
Math was a struggle, but I got a 97

[MR GILNER, spoken]
A 97? What happened with math?

[LEILA, spoken]
It's AP calculus, dad. And I'm only eleven

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Craig, something wrong with your chicken patties?

[CRAIG, spoken]
No

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Well, then eat

[CRAIG, spoken]
I have no problem eating? Um, keeping it down is the hard part

[MRS. GILNER, spoken]
Listen to your father, sweetheart

[LEILA, spoken]
Y’know, fasting today makes food good tomorrow. German proverb

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
"Dammit, Craig! This is getting ridiculous! EAT!"

[CRAIG, spoken]
"IM NOT HUNGRY!"

[CAST]
Woah

[MR. GILNER, spoken]
Craig, you know you need to eat, I put money on this table so that you can have a MEAL! Every Thursday night-

[CRAIG & CAST]
GAH!!
Can you blame me?
I know this can’t be right
(I try to tell you but you don't understand)
I stomach down and no wonder I lost my appetite
(I try to tell you but you don't understand)
They try to save me, no one keeps me up at night
(I try to tell you but you don't understand)
They think they know what’s best for me but they don't know-
(you don't understand, you don't understand)

[CRAIG & CAST]
Where I’m at

[CRAIG, spoken & CAST]
To sum up, I'm 17 years old. I don’t know anything about most things but here's what I do know
(Where I'm at)
I'm a literal piece of wallpaper
A cog in a wheel in a machine that's irrelevant
(Where I’m at)
I have enough anxiety to fill a crater in the moon. And I’m running out of options. Or maybe, I’ve already run out...

[CAST]
Ah

[CRAIG]
Burned-out light
Up in the attic, so you’re up all night
Put out the little bit of glow
So

That’s just life
Thrown in the middle of a losing fight
Stuck but they’re forcing us to grow
So

[CRAIG & CAST]
Dim-lit light
(Dim-lit light)
On in the middle of a
Room at night
(Room at night)
Can't see the little bit of glow
(Oh)

S'no wrong or right
(Wrong or right)
No one seems to bother asking if we might
(If we might)
Need a little middle-of-the-road
(Oh)
How could you know?
(Oh)
I guess you had to be there

[CRAIG & CAST, spoken]
(I tried to tell you but you don’t understand)
Hi! I'm Craig Gilner
(I tried to tell you but you don’t understand)
I always look like I’m about to cry, so I move the muscles on my face - they make me smile!
(I tried to tell you but you don't understand)
And that's my life!
And this is-

[CRAIG & CAST]
Where I’m at

[CRAIG, spoken]
Any questions?