When I Get to Heaven

If I go to Heaven, it'll probably be a slum
And all the pretty angels just might be packing guns
And if I see Saint Peter, will he hit me up for cash?
Will I find the road to Jesus or just lose him in the trash?

The Shaggs were right
You're never going to please anybody
Not in this world

If I go to Hell, I might find it very dull
Like an Amway convention or an endless shopping mall
When all the innocent demons want to poke me with a fork
Or just put me in a taxi and send me to New York

Scientists proved it years ago
The Shaggs were much better than the Beatles

Maybe I'll return as an iguana
And lie upon a beach down in the Bahamas

Although ignored in their day
The Shaggs are now recognized as the geniuses they were

I just wanna know what happens when you die
Do you walk down in a hole or float up to the sky
Is it just a waste of water, when your widow cries?

Oh don't tell me you've never heard of the Shaggs?

If the atheists are right then I have no need to worry
For there is no great being whose favor I must curry
And I'll be going nowhere once they lay me in the earth
So why waste a Sunday by going to church?

If you really wanted to
You could run out right now and buy a Shaggs record

If the atheists are wrong then I've got a bill that's due
So should I be a Christian or a Muslim or a Jew
Should I spend all day just praying on my knees
And searching through the world for a deity to please

A Shaggs record would be a sound investment

If the atheists are right then I have no need to worry
For there is no great being whose favour I must curry

The fat peoples want what the skinny peoples got
The skinny peoples want what the fat peoples got
But all I've ever wanted is what the Shaggs got
Dat Ding and my pal, Foot Foot