What Would Leonard Bernstein Do?

One time I was at the dinner table when I was like six, because I had to be. My dad goes, “How was school today?” I said, “It was good but someone pushed Tyler off the seesaw.” “And where were you?” “I was over on the bench.” “And what did you do?” “Nothing. I was over on the bench.” “But you saw what happened?” “Yeah, 'cause I was over on the bench.” “So you saw what happened and you did nothing?” “Yeah, ’cause I was sitting over on the bench.” “Let me ask you this. In Nazi Germany, when people saw what the Nazis were doing and did nothing, were those good people?” “No, those are bad people. You gotta stop the Nazis.” “But you saw what they were doing to Tyler and you did nothing!” “Because I was over on the bench.” And then my dad said, “Just explain to me this. How are you better than a Nazi?” And then my mom said, “I made a salad with Craisins!” And the conversation ended.

My dad's a very weird, informal guy. A lot of people ask me if he gave me a sex talk. Yes. I think. I was like 12 years old and my dad walked up to me and he said, “Hello… Hello, I'm Chip Mulaney. I’m your father.” And then he said the following, “You know, Leonard Bernstein was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.” Now we don't have time to unpack all of that. And I don't know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer. But that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy. How would that ever work? Like years later, I'd be in college about to go down on some rocking twink and I'd be like, “Wait a second. What would Leonard Bernstein do?” I've never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I would tell all of you.

This is so great. Thank you for coming. You're here. That's great. You all showed up. I appreciate it. And then we showed up so you got to see the things that you paid to see. That’s great. You don’t always get to see the things that you paid to see. Ever been to the goddamn zoo? Those guys are never where they're supposed to be. Every time I go to the zoo I’m like, “Hey, where's the jaguar?” And the zoo guy is like, “He must be in the inside part.” "The inside part? Tell him we're here."