What I Believe (A Patriotic Statement)

What I believe

I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales

And I believe in the family – Mom and Dad and Grandma, and Uncle Tom who waves his penis

And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments

And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on

And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things that money can buy

And I believe it’s derogatory to rеfer to a woman’s breasts as boobs, jugs, Winnebagos or goldеn bozos and that you should only refer to them as hooters

And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress

And I believe in equality, equality for everyone no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are

And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage

And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment

And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns

And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an arctic region covered with ice

And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now.

That’s what I believe.