What a Fowl Day

[Intro, spoken]
Here we see the common domestic goose... Anser cygnoides domesticus.
Found across the British countryside, it is known for its distinctive call, proud, majestic stature, and for being an all-round inconsiderate little git...

[Verse 1: Goose]
Who's this? The true prince of nuisance
Cruise in, whoops, you're going to need a new fence
Abusing the humans for my amusement
Since I hatched and every afternoon since
You can look for clues but you won't see any boot prints
Doesn't take a sleuth to deduce just who's been
Brewing up a feud with a borough full of rubes
Yes, I'm coming home to roost
And they're gonna need some tutoring
You can try to shoo me, but I'm a tad imprudent
This community is soon to see some new goosey improvements
All your property? Yes, it belongs to me
Oh, I see you disagree? Whoops, it's ruined!
I waddle on to the allotments
Squat in the shallots
Then make off with half the plot while you're not watching
Popped in for another gobble of your stocks
Then I'm off to see the shops
And you wonder where your crops went
Run off with your onions, pluck a couple pumpkins
I don't even eat 'em, I just steal 'em and I dump them
Nothing's more fun than befuddling a bumpkin
Huddled in the shrubbery while smuggling your luncheon
Didn't knock, I just had to grab a quick fix
Leave it unlocked, I'll be back for cabbage picnic
Pick & mix, picking on a scared kid
Mixing up his glasses on his arse
While I scarper with his airfix

[Chorus: Townsfolk]
What a foul day, wasted again chasin' waterfowl away
We've had it up to 'ere and we're all about to break
Livin' in fear of the terror from the lake
What a fowl day, wasted again chasin' waterfowl away
We'd stuff him full of sage in the oven on a tray
But the R.S.P.C.A say the bugger has to stay
So we suffer through the fate of another fowl day

[Verse 2: Goose]
Hear the honkety-honk as I topple over buckets
And they drop and they bonk on the noggins of plonkers
Who thought they could conquer me, want an apology?
Tough luck, I'm off with your crockery!
I do beg your pardon, I think you're in my garden
I've decided that it is, so please don't be disheartened
It's survival of the fittest, and it hearkens back to Darwin
I thought that we were British? Don't you have a lip to harden?

[Bridge: Townsfolk]
He stole the keys to the gate, put me rake in the lake
Made me crush my thumb, and upped and ran away!
He wrecked my roses!
And broke my vase!
Locked me in the garage, ravaging the marketplace!
Banned from the pub for messin' with the punters!
Made off with me harmonica, and left me on me bum!
The big, scary bird scared me off with a quack!
Stole my plane, made me pay the shop lady for it back!

[Verse 3: Goose]
I care not for fences, I'm on the offensive
A feathery devil, who revels in senseless attempts
At upending your endlessly friendly pretenses
Your tempers expended, oops, was that expensive?
None of it's hateful, you ought to be grateful!
A face-off with nature is basically staple of countryside living
That's just what I'm bringing! Occasional chaos (but awfully tasteful)

[Chorus: Townsfolk]
What a foul day, wasted again chasin' waterfowl away
We've had it up to 'ere and we're all about to break
Livin' in fear of the terror from the lake
What a fowl day, wasted again chasin' waterfowl away
We'd stuff him full of sage in the oven on a tray
But the R.S.P.C.A say the bugger has to stay
So we suffer through the fate of another fowl day

[Verse 4: Goose]
I'm sticking my neck out, and setting the borders
A little respect for the new pecking order
You call me a hoarder! A menace! A thief!
Have you thought that I'm all that you've got for relief?
From the boredom ensured by a rural existence
Of thickets and cricket and picnic subsistence
To call me sadistic is far too simplistic
I'm twisted, but only to give you assistance
They've all got it in for me, living in infamy!
Mischief's my gift at the cost of your dignity
Every day's a fight with the stick that I'm given
I say it's only right that you give me that ribbon

[Outro]