WE’RE FAST NOW (OR, AN OVERTURE FOR ASCENSION)

[Spoken, in alternating voices, increasingly fast over accordion music]
For the first three seasons of Internet League Blaseball
The Crabs were a comically pathetic team
I mean, really terrible
And worst of all, we were only moderately fast

In Season Four, thanks to star hitter Nagomi Mcdaniel
We were playoffs contenders until the end of the regular season
But it still wasn't enough. We were still too slow

Then, in Season Five, evеrything changed
For the first time in Crabs history, wе played in the postseason
We were knocked out in the first round, but that didn't matter
Things were different this time
This time, during the election
The Crabs won 'Zombies, Run! Presents Horde Hallucinations'
Improving their Baserunning by 17%

Today, the Baltimore Crabs
Have the highest baserunning of any team
At an average of four stars per player
Had we attempted it in Season Four, or in Season Five
We surely would not have defeated The Peanut
But things have changed

We're fast now