VP of Booty Reports

Yarr!

My name is Bob, I am a pirate of sorts
My title is VP of Booty Reports
I touch all of the treasure that passes through our lands
I itemize profits and I pay the deckhands

Me mateys are Pete Gromwitz and Julie Stephens
I constructed my crossbows with my dear Julie's pens
At least I know that when I make my bed
There won't be surprises from the cursed undead

But some days I wonder, is this my life now?
Will keelhauling always be replaced by the Dow?
Don't get me wrong, I love cutting debt
Refactoring without breaking a sweat
But a pirate like me has the urge to behead
And mount them as trophies in my garden shed

My name is Bob and I just got a raise
The president was killed by a boatload of slaves
They tore down his colors and they stole all the maize
But now I get to pillage his 401(k)

My PowerPoint slides send my foes to the wind
The transitions you see are as unholy as sin
I think that even Julie was impressed by my graphs
I'll invite her to Chili's and woo that fair lass

But someday I wonder, is this my life now?
Will keelhauling always be replaced by the Dow?
Don't get me wrong, I love cutting debt
Refactoring without breaking a sweat
But a pirate like me has the urge to behead
And mount them as trophies in my garden shed

I was not to know Julie would turn out that bad
That one of her skulls was from her old dad
I should've recognized the daggers she threw
Or that her maiden name was Julie LaRue
But instead of awe at my collection of heads
She left me quartered hanging from the bed

My name is Bob, I'm a ghost guy of sorts
My title is Junior Repossessions and haunts