Virgil and the Moonshot

Well, ol' Virgil always was a clown
Dumbest man in our hometown
But somehow, he got hired out at the NASA base
And then one day, against all the rules
While cleanin' up a space capsule
He closed the hatch and started playing Man in Space

He put a spacesuit on and sat right down
Started flippin' switches and messin' around
A siren started blastin' and a green light was flashin' "ready"
Yeah, hoses were snappin' and gas was going "whoosh"
Virgil just had to give that button a push
And son of a gun, he was gone like Richard Petty
Oh, mama

Hello, Houston, we got a problem
Get Gladys on the phone
Somebody tell her where I'm at
How long I'll be gone
Yeah, remind her she needs to feed my dogs
Milk the cow and slop them hogs
Hello, Houston, we got a problem
How y'all gonna get me back home?
Huh?

Well, we saw it right there on TV
My wife, my kids, the dog and me
On a broadcast from outer space on the evening news
Oh, Virgil wasn't havin' any fun
He'd run down the batteries on his Star Wars gun
And he was turning green in various shades and hues

He said, "Boys, you better get me down quick
'Cause I'm afraid I'm gonna be sick
I don't, I don't think I can take much more of this
Lord, all I do is just float around
Half the time I think I'm upside down, you know
I need to throw up but I don't know where up is"

Hello, Redneck One, Redneck One, this is mission control
Stand by, Virgil, we're about to execute your re-entry
Execute me? Lord, have mercy
Couldn't, couldn't you just dock me a couple of days' pay?
Whoa, here we go again

Hello, Houston, we got a problem
I think we got a flat tire
Yeah, I just looked out that little round window
And the whole capsule's afire
Everything's a-shakin' and a-burnin' hot
If you're gonna execute me, I'd just as soon be shot
Hello, Houston, we got a problem
I'm droppin' like a fallin' star

Well, give NASA credit, they got him back
And of course, he was immediately sacked
And we were all amazed at the fame Virgil's ride had brought
But ol' Virgil knew just how to work it
'Cause the next thing you know, he's on the talk show circuit
Billin' himself as "The Redneck Astronaut"

Hello, Oprah, we got a problem
Montel's on the other phone
Yeah, he wants to book me too
And so does 20/20 and Jenny Jones
Now I'm sure that we can work it out in time
Just have your people talk to mine
Hello, Oprah, gotta go now
60 Minutes is on the phone

Hey, 60 Minutes, yeah
Aw, I'd love to
But you know, I gotta have that first segment
And, yeah, and Mike Wallace has gotta host it
Uh-huh, oh, well, okay, fine then, we'll give it to Dateline
Eh, uh, what's that?
Oh, well, that's more like it
Yeah, well, I kinda, I kinda thought you'd see it my way
I mean, after all, it does make sense, don't it?
Spacesuit? Yeah, I got a spacesuit
Well, you know, it's, it's not a real spacesuit
But I mean, you can't tell the difference from three feet away
Glad-Gladys made it for me
Yeah, she, yeah, she's got one of them sewin' machines that, that does all that fancy stuff
Oh yeah