Viagra

Can they make a drug to help you through all that to keep your organs in tact until your golden years? No. Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? No. They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra! Grandpa can have wood again.

"I don't need the walker!" I see that! And your Grandmother's going, "Oh, shit! I thought the war was over! Get me a tetanus shot if you're going to stick me with that rusty thing! Get away"

People have died on Viagra. They had to have an open coffin! It's horrible. People walking there going, "Oh God, I don't remember Pete being like that. Kids, go get some horseshoes. He would've wanted it that way."

And it's amazing, too, because you used to get it from some strange Chinese aphrodisiac, like humming bird eyelash and rhino horn, to give you great masculinity. But now you're on Viagra. You're FrankenCock! You are the Inseminator! You are ready to go! You're going to be going for one hour, one hour and a half! And a lot of guys are going: "Yeah!" And a lot of women are going, "Uh-uh." Because after the first hour, your wife is going, "[moans] Big Daddy [starts to get disinterested] Listen, I got shit to do, OK?" [moans again] [phone ring] "Hello! Yeah, I'll be late today. Viagra, fucking. I'll try and get there. Go outside with that thing!"

And you can't go outside with a hard-on because the cat just waits for you to go [cat scratching sound]. And your dog is going, "Whoa, you too?!" You can't go to work like, "Hey, Bob. Hey Pete. How are you doing? Yeah, I'm happy to be here today."

Direct traffic, no, you can't do shit! You have to make it go away. And you slap it. It's like one of those Punch-Me clowns. "I'm not going anywhere!" You have to finish it off, and you're like, "Okay, I'll finish it!" And in the old days was [uses water bottle as a prop]. But now, after an hour and a half, you've got more semen than the Fifth Fleet. So, when you go, it's like [uses water bottle as a prop] "Oh, my eyes!" And your wife goes, "Now you know how it feels, asshole!" "Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye!" "Well, oh my God, I'm like the Lawn boy. Get out! Save yourself!" "Not the drapes!" "Too late. I own that. I own that. Oh my God!"

And you run out of semen and your testicles are going, "We've still got an erection, chief! Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid!" "Oh, God, please, make this fucking shit go away!"

You do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing.

Fuck. Don't touch it. Don't-don't- Don't look at it! Don't even think about it! And then you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time. You have lost thoughts from your childhood.

And then you hear these words from your lady: "My turn." You can't fucking be serious! Look at me, I'm Glue Boy! What are you doing? That's right, Corky, it's time to saddle up. We're heading South of the border. You gotta please Missy. Now, I have one question for the ladies: do we look like this? [uses arm as a prop]

"Are you almost there? No, no, no. I will finish! I love you! I love you! No, I will finish. I can take it. I just can't feel my tongue. Who's your daddy? I love you! I will finish." [snores]

Good night!