Underage Drinking: A National Concern

INT. PADDY'S PUB - NIGHT

Hip Hop music plays.

9:45 PM. On a Friday. Philadelphia, PA

Scene opens in Paddy’s Pub. The bar is crowded and people are chatting and dancing. Rap music is playing.

Mac and Charlie are standing next to the jukebox with one arm around the other’s shoulder. They each have a beer in one hand and are swaying back and forth, dancing.

MAC: (to Charlie) I like what I’m seeing here.

CHARLIE: [to Mac] I like what you’re doing right now!

MAC: I like what you’re doing!

CHARLIE: I like what you’re doing!

MAC: I like what we’re all doing!

CHARLIE: (points to Dennis) I like this guy, hey!

Charlie & MAC: Hey-yo!

MAC: There you are!

DENNIS: This is insane!

CHARLIE: I know! This is good. This is a good scene.

MAC: I’ve never seen so many beautiful people in my life!

CHARLIE: (pointing to Dee) Hey, check it out! Even Sweet Dee’s getting lucky!

MAC: That dude’s going to bang your sister, bro.

Dennis looks disgusted.

CHARLIE: This is good man, I feel good.

MAC: Yeah, you look good, brother.

CHARLIE: No, no, no, no, but I feel better than good… (slowly beginning to dance) …You know? I feel like, um – I feel like dancing.

MAC: Whoa, it feels good, man!

CHARLIE: I feel like dancing!

MAC: You should!

CHARLIE: I feel like dancing!

MAC: Get out there, buddy.

CHARLIE: I feel like dancing!

MAC: Make it happen.

CHARLIE: I feel like dancing!

MAC: Nice.

Charlie proceeds to an open area away from Mac and Dennis and continues dancing.

MAC: I love that little man!

DENNIS: This is great. I mean, what’s going on? This is, like, the greatest night Paddy’s has ever seen.

MAC: I know!

DENNIS: Kind of a young crowd, right?

MAC: Yeah.

DENNIS: (looks at a patron as she takes a seat with her friends) Really, really young.

MAC: Mm-hmm.

MAC: What, do you think these kids are in college, or what?

DENNIS: I don’t know. (to a young girl walking in front of him) Hey, you. How old are you?

YOUNG GIRL: Twenty-one?

Mac and Dennis realize that the patrons are underage and illegally patronizing the bar; they look at each other and Dennis then unplugs the jukebox to stop the music.

DENNIS: Everybody out!

OPENING THEME

Scene opens in an empty Paddy’s Pub; Dennis, Charlie, Mac, and Dee are in the middle of a conversation. Dee is behind the bar.

DENNIS: Yeah, but I don’t understand how you guys could let this happen.

DEE: It was not my fault. I was working behind the bar.

CHARLIE: Come on, Dennis. You remember what it was like in high school. The minute that we caught word that a bar wasn’t carding, we would just pack the place the following weekend.

MAC: They probably had a recon crew come in last week.

CHARLIE: Oh, they definitely had a recon crew.

DENNIS: Alright, but why? Why, you guys, were we not carding?

Mac and Charlie look dumbfounded that Dennis would even ask them such a question.

MAC: Not my job, dude!

CHARLIE: Not my job, either.

DENNIS: Not your jo…? It’s all of our jobs. Dude, we could get into a lot of trouble for this.

DEE: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.

Dennis and Charlie look as though they understand that they did something morally wrong, they put their heads down.

CHARLIE: I guess.

MAC: Well, I don’t know about that though.

DEE: Oh, Mac.

DENNIS: Mac, don’t.

MAC: No, wait, hold on, ok, hold on a second. Hear me out though. Hear me out. It wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar, and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of 40’s from a homeless guy and we’d go sit in some park, right?

CHARLIE: That is true.

MAC: That is true.

CHARLIE: That is absolutely true.

MAC: And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.

CHARLIE: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnik’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive…

DENNIS: …with Sweet Dee in the backseat puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, d’you remember that? (to Dee) Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.

DEE: No, no, I had bad potato salad.

DENNIS: You drink yourself crazy.

MAC: You abuse alcohol, and that’s ok, that’s ok, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Ok, well maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle (gestures a horizontal circle). Maybe we have a “social responsibility” to provide a safe haven for these “kids” to be “kids” (gestures “air quotes”). You know, experiment.

Charlie mimics Mac’s gestures and ends with his own “thumbs up” gesture, he is smiling and he is on board.

DEE: No, I don’t like where this is heading.

DENNIS: We would have to set up ground rules.

CHARLIE: Ok, no drinking and driving. No one’s going to crash Nicky Potnik’s car.

MAC: Right.

CHARLIE: Everyone has to take a cab.

DENNIS: Four drink maximum. (gestures) Like, that’s it, you know what I mean?

CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah, that’s it. Anyone causing trouble, can’t come. If you’re going to be here, you’ve got to be cool.

MAC: He’s gone! He’s gone!

DENNIS: And, and, and, listen: we water down the drinks, jack up the prices.

DEE: Oh, my…. Come on!

DENNIS: We could make a serious profit off these kids.

MAC: And they’d have no idea what the hell’s going on. We would actually be doing something good.

CHARLIE: Great, I say we do it.

DENNIS: Yeah.

DEE: I don’t know you guys live with yourselves.

CHARLIE:One day at a time.

MAC: One day at a time.

DENNIS: One day at a time.

INT. DEE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Dee’s on the phone with her mother and she is wearing a bathrobe. While on the phone, Dee opens a drawer to take out an explicit movie and inserts it into the DVD player.

DEE: (on phone with her mother) Yeah. I know, Mom. I heard you the first time. I’m perfectly aware of what time it is. Thank you, Mom. Do we have to do this right now? Yeah, I know how old I am. Did you think that I forgot, maybe how old I…. That’s doesn’t…. You know what? As a matter of fact, I have date this afternoon with my friend, Steven. So, I should probably go ‘cause I’ve got to get ready for that. Mm-hmm, alright. Yeah, you too, bye.

Dee “hangs up” the phone, throws it on the bed and grunts in frustration.

DEE: God!

Dee opens her nightstand drawer and pulls out a phallic vibrator.

DEE: (to the vibrator) Hello, Steven.

Dee sits on her bed to prepare to watch the movie and use her vibrator when the phone rings, she answers.

DEE: Hello.

TREY: Dee?

DEE: Yeah.

TREY: This is Trey, from last night.

DEE: Oh, hey, Trey. You know what? I, I, I don’t think I should be talking with you.

TREY: I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met in my entire life.

DEE: (looks in the mirror) Really?

TREY: I just can’t believe that someone as gorgeous as you can be so down to earth.

DEE: Well, you know, I’ve always tried to keep both feet on the ground, so….

TREY: Yeah, so listen, I have a lacrosse game but I was wondering if you wanted meet me and my friends at Lemon Hill afterwards.

DEE: Lemon Hill? That’s where all the cool kids used to go.

TREY: Good, so you’ve been there.

DEE: Oh! (chuckles uncomfortably) Come on. I’ve been there, like, 200 times.

TREY: Why don’t you stop by? I mean, unless you’ve got something better to do today.

Dee looks at her vibrator.

EXT LEMON HILL - DAY

Dee is chugging beer from a red disposable cup in front of Trey who is wearing a Letterman’s jacket. The same rap song from earlier is playing

TREY: Wow, you can really put ‘em back, can’t you?

DEE: The trick is to just kind of open your throat.

TREY: You are so much cooler than all the other girls I know.

DEE: You are so sweet. (handing Trey the empty red cup) Can you get me another one of these?

INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY

Dennis is behind the bar serving two drinks (beer) to an obviously underage boy. Mac and Charlie are sitting on the other side of the bar talking to Dennis. Rock music is playing.

DENNIS: (to boy) Alright, there you go.

CHARLIE: Look at how much fun they’re having, man.

MAC: Of course they are, they haven’t realized how much life sucks yet.

CHARLIE: Remember how great high school was? All those parties, no responsibilities….

MAC: High school was the best.

DENNIS: Do you guys even remember high school? I don’t think it happened the way you think.

MAC: What do you mean?

DENNIS: What I mean Mac is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is ‘cause you sold us all weed. Everybody thought you were an asshole.

MAC: I was popular!

CHARLIE: Yeah, Mac was very popular, and I like to think I was pretty popular myself.

MAC: You were!

DENNIS: You were. (to Mac) No, he was. (to Charlie) You were, you were popular like a…like a clown is popular.

CHARLIE: What?

DENNIS: Yeah, you made us all laugh and all the guys knew that you couldn’t sleep with their girlfriends.

MAC: Whatever, dude! The only reason you got laid is ‘cause you dated freshman.

CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve always had that creepy thing with younger girls.

DENNIS: I do not.

CHARLIE (pointing at Dennis): You’re not in high school anymore, pal, so you better, uh, keep in the pants ‘cause it’s kind of creepy.

DENNIS: You want to talk about creepy? (pointing) You guys sniffing glue in your mom’s basement, Charlie. That’s creepy.

Mac and Charlie look at each other and pause, they are stumped by Dennis’s accusations

CHARLIE (to Dennis): Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

MAC: Tim Murphy slept with your prom date!

CHARLIE: Tim Murphy had sex with your prom date!

MAC: That’s right.

Dennis is looks upset.

MAC: Oh.

CHARLIE: Oh, no.

MAC: Oh, he’s getting sad now.

CHARLIE: Oh, no. There’s like a watering in the eyes.

Dennis walks away.

MAC: Oh, and now he’s running away.

Charlie is mocking Dennis and pretending to cry.

MAC: Oh, is going to cry?

CHARLIE: Is he going to cry?

Mac mocks Dennis with whimpers.

Dennis walks to the cash register, his back to the bar, and his left hand up to
block his face. Charlie is still mock crying

Charlie turns to the underage girl from earlier who is now sitting to his left.

CHARLIE: Did you see that? He was totally going to cry.

The underage girl shakes her head and takes a sip of beer.

INT. TREY'S CAR - NIGHT

Scene opens in Trey’s car, it’s late in the evening and Trey and Dee are alone. Trey is in the driver’s seat and Dee is in the passenger’s seat. We enter in the middle of their conversation. Mood music is playing.

DEE: Oh, Trey, that is so sad.

TREY: It was a really bad breakup. I mean, Tammy’s great and all; I just, wasn’t feeling it, you know?

DEE: Oh, yeah, well, you’ve got to feel it.

TREY: Don’t get me wrong, Tammy’s like, the prettiest girl in school so, it’s a perfect match. It just, wasn’t working.

DEE: Hmm.

TREY: She’s not as pretty as you, though.

Dee (chuckles, flattered: Oh, thank you.

Trey leans in for a kiss.

DEE: Wait! I can’t do this.

TREY: What?

DEE: I’ve never statutory raped anyone before.

TREY: Oh, ok, I’ll tell you what. Let’s, uh, just take it slow.

DEE (sighs: You are so sweet. Where were you when I was in high school?

TREY: I was eight.

DEE (nodding): Right…yeah.

INT. PADDY'S PUB - NIGHT

Dennis is still behind the bar. Dennis, Mac, and Charlie are observing the crowd.

MAC (to Dennis): These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cuttin’ ‘em off.

DENNIS: I am cuttin’ ‘em off. These kids haven’t had more than three drinks each. Plus, there’s so much water in them, they’re probably more hydrated than they ever have been in their entire lives.

CHARLIE: Are they faking it?

DENNIS (chuckles): I guess.

A couple, Sara and Billy, is having an argument; it appears to be a drunken argument.

SARA: Just stay away from, Billy!

BILLY: No, Sara!

SARA: Yes!

BILLY: I saw you flirting with him!

SARA: I wasn’t!

BILLY: No, I know it! You were throwing yourself on him.

SARA: You don’t know what you’re….

Charlie confronts Billy, turns him around and puts his finger in Billy’s face.

CHARLIE: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! (gesturing two fingers toward his eyes) Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!

BILLY: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

CHARLIE: Alright, beat it! (places his right hand on Sara’s shoulder) Are you ok?

SARA: He’s such a player.

Charlie (turns head toward Billy who is now leaving): Is he a player?

SARA: Big time.

CHARLIE (pumps a fist onto the table): I hate players. Alright, I’m sorry. (pats Sara on the back) I’m getting fired up here.

Charlie walks away; Mac follows.

MAC: Charlie, that was, like, the coolest thing you’ve ever done!

CHARLIE (returns to bar): I know. I’m going to be sick.

Three girls are eyeing Dennis from across the bar. Dennis notices, and the one in the middle approaches him.

DENNIS (muttering): Oh, shit.

TAMMY: You Dennis Reynolds?

DENNIS: Yeah.

TAMMY: You like what you see?

DENNIS (glances over): Uh, I don’t know.

TAMMY (chuckles): Dude, relax. I’m 18.

DENNIS: Are you in high school?

TAMMY: Yes.

DENNIS: Then take a hike.

TAMMY: It doesn’t seem to bother your sister.

DENNIS (turns to Tammy): What?

TAMMY: She was all over this one boy in my class today.

Dennis (in disbelief): Really?

TAMMY: Listen, dude. I’m legal, and I love to party so if you’re looking the ride of your life, give me a call.

Tammy slips her phone number into Dennis’s front pocket, chuckles, and walks away to rejoin her two friends.

DENNIS: God damn it.

INT. DEE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Scene opens at Dee’s apartment, Dennis is knocking on her door.

DEE: Hang on, I’m coming.

Dee opens the door and Dennis storms in pointing his finger at her.

DENNIS: What the hell is wrong with you?

DEE: What?

Dennis is searching Dee’s apartment looking for Tyler.

DENNIS: I know you were hanging out with that high school kid from the bar.

DEE: Ok, you know what? We’re just friends, alright? He, he, he went through a really bad breakup, and he just needed me to be there for him.

DENNIS: Ok, what you’re doing is sick and wrong. What, are you living out some sad fantasy of yours? Going out with the most popular kid in high school.

DEE: Ok, why would that be a fantasy? I went out with tons of guys in high school.

DENNIS: You wore that scoliosis back brace until you were 20 years old. Everyone was afraid of you.

DEE: No, they weren’t.

DENNIS: You looked like a monster! Do you all have amnesia?

DEE: What is that supposed to mean?

DENNIS: Oh, my God. You’re as delusional as Mac and Charlie.

DEE: Do not compare me to Mac and Charlie.

Cut to Charlie’s apartment. Mac and Charlie are sitting on a couch, Charlie is sniffing glue from a clear plastic bag and Mac is reading the back of an Elmer’s™-like glue bottle.

MAC: I’m telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue, Charlie.

CHARLIE: No, it’s not.

MAC: This is made for, like, kindergarteners or something.

CHARLIE: No, this’ll work.
MAC: No, look. “Non-toxic and Safe.” We don’t want safe, we want toxic.

CHARLIE: Something’s happening.

MAC: Nothing is going to happen.

CHARLIE: Something’s happening!

MAC: Nothing is going to happen.

CHARLIE: No, you’re right. This isn’t working.

Phone rings, Charlie answers.

CHARLIE: Y’ello? (listens) Yeah? (realizing who it is) Oh, hey. How are you? Really? That’s cool. Yeah, ok. Bye.

Charlie hangs up the phone and turns to Mac who had been sniffing and playing with the glue bottle.

CHARLIE: Dude, that was that girl Sara. The one from the bar the other night who I rescued from that kid. Well, her parents are out of town and she’s totally having a party. What do you think?

Cut to Sara’s house, Charlie and Mac walk in and look around.

MAC: Kind of a lame party, bro.

CHARLIE: Uh, what do you think? Should we jet?

MAC: Yeah, this doesn’t feel right.

SARA: Hey guys!

CHARLIE: Hi, Sara.

MAC: Hey.

SARA: I am so glad you guys came. Well, um, we ran into a little bit of a problem. My brother, he was supposed to pick up the keg, but he bailed on me.

CHARLIE: Oh, that sucks.

SARA: Yeah, yeah. It totally sucks. So, um, we were wondering if maybe you guys could help us out.

Sara’s friend, another girl, approaches.

MAC: Oh, you mean…no, I don’t…
CHARLIE: Ooh, no.

MAC: Geez, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

CHARLIE: Yeah, listen, it’s one thing at the bar, you know, where we have control over you guys. It’s, like, another thing….

SARA: Ah, come on, please? Please. You guys have been so cool.

SARA'S FRIEND (looking at Mac): Yeah, we were just talking about how cool you guys were.

MAC: Really?

CHARLIE: You were?

SARA: Mm-hmm, this would be the coolest thing that anyone’s ever done for us.

SARA'S FRIEND: Ever.

SARA: Ever.

Cut to Sara’s house. Mac and Charlie have returned with a keg of beer.

MAC (placing keg on floor): Who wants to do a keg stand?

Everyone yells and raises their hands excitedly.

Rock music is playing. Tyler and Dee walk in, holding hands. The people at the party are dismayed to see Tyler with Dee.

DEE: Um, I’m kind of having second thoughts a little bit.

TREY: Oh, come on, it’ll be a blast.

DEE: Yeah, well, I don’t think your friends like me that much.

TREY: Let’s go get a beer.

Trey and Dee walk into the next room where Charlie is in the middle of doing a keg stand with Mac’s assistance. Charlie is 25 seconds into his keg stand

CROWD: Twenty-five, 26, 27, 28, 29! (Charlie finishes, everyone groans) Aww.

When Charlie and Mac stand back up, they notice Dee is there and they feel ashamed for being at a high school party. Dee is also ashamed.

MAC: Hey, Dee.

DEE: Hey, guys. What’s going on?

CHARLIE: Just hanging out, you know?

DEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

CHARLIE (to Dee): You want to do a keg stand?

Cut to Dee doing a keg stand; the crowd is timing her.

CROWD: Seventy-five, 76, 77!

Dee finishes her keg stand and comes to her feet. The crowd cheers.

TREY (yelling, proudly): Seventy-seven seconds! That is a new record, baby. Whoo!

DEE: I did it. I did it.

Cut to a different room of Sara’s house where Sara and Charlie are having a conversation on a couch. Charlie is drinking beer.

SARA: So, Ben is like, “I don’t care what Kevin said, Sara. I was only going out with Rachel to get closer to you.”

CHARLIE: Oh my, oh my God. What did you say to that?

SARA: “Whatever, Ben. I heard from Caitlin that you were totally into her.”

CHARLIE: Um, he’s so full of shit.

Cut to the next room where Mac and another guest are playing “Flip Cup.” Mac is having difficulties as the crowd cheers and rock music plays.

MAC (unsuccessfully flipping his cup): God damn it!

CROWD: Come on! Come on!

Mac crushes his opponent’s cup with his hand before successfully flipping his own cup for a win.

Mac (celebrating): Yeah! What do you think about that, bitches? Load ‘em up, losers! (to opponent’s girlfriend who stood beside the competition the entire time) What do you think about this, huh? How I embarrassed your boyfriend in front of everybody? You like that? You like what you see?

ONLOOKER 1: What’s with this guy?

ONLOOKER 2: I know. What is he, like, 40?

Mac sloppily drinks another cup of beer before putting the cup down.

MAC: Get me some more! Get me some more! Let’s go. Load ‘em up! I’m going to put on a God-damned clinic.

ONLOOKER 1: What an asshole.

INT. SARA'S HOUSE - DAY

Scene opens at Sara’s house the following morning. Dee finds Charlie and Mac asleep on the floor; she wakes them with her foot.

DEE: Come on, guys. Hey, let’s go. Let’s go!

Charlie rolls over toward Mac as Dee kicks him. They both awaken.

CHARLIE: Get off me, dude.

MAC: Get off me!

DEE: Can we please get out of here? Let’s go.

MAC: Why?

DEE: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.

CHARLIE: That girl Sara asked me too.

DEE: You’re kidding!

MAC: What? No, we can’t go to the prom. That’s pathetic.

CHARLIE: What do you mean “we?” Who asked you?

Dee and Charlie both look at Mac, perplexed.

MAC: Let’s just go. Let’s just go.

Cut to Dennis’s apartment. There’s a knock at his door and he answers.

DENNIS: Alright, alright, I’m coming.

TAMMY: Hi Sexy.

DENNIS: What are you doing here? You’ve got to get out of here.

TAMMY: I need a date for the prom and I want you to take me.

DENNIS (scoffs): Are you kidding me? I, I, I can’t do that, ok? I’ve…you’ve got to go.

TAMMY: Oh, isn’t there anything I can do to change your mind?

DENNIS (seems to consider, then): No, no, no, no. No. Leave. Leave. Go.

TAMMY: Ok, you can either take me to the prom or I can tell the police that you’re serving underage kids.

DENNIS: Are you serious?

TAMMY: Try me.

Tammy leaves.

DENNIS: God damned it.

Scene opens with Charlie, Mac, and Dee about to enter Paddy’s Pub. It’s daytime and they’ve just come from Sara’s house party.

MAC: You know what? I don’t think we should be serving minors anymore.

DEE: Oh, no. Somebody’s jealous.

MAC: No, I’m not jealous, ok? I just think it’s dangerous.

CHARLIE: I think you’re jealous you didn’t get asked to the prom.

Mac (unconvincingly): I don’t care about that!

CHARLIE: Aw, are you going to cry?

Dee is mock crying.

MAC: Shut up!

The three enter the pub, Dennis is already there.

MAC: Yo.

DENNIS: You guys, no more kids in the bar, seriously.

MAC (delighted): Ok, now we’re talking some sense.

CHARLIE (upset): No, no. What the hell?

DENNIS: This girl asked me to the prom.

MAC: What?

DENNIS: Yeah, this girl comes over to my house, tells me that if I don’t go to the prom with her, she’s going to rat us out to the cops.

MAC: Wait a second, wait a second. Hold on. So all of you guys got asked to the prom?

DENNIS (turning to Charlie and Dee): You guys got asked to the prom?

Charlie and Dee nod.

DEE: Yeah.

DENNIS: Whoa.

MAC: Oh, this is so lame!

DENNIS: At least you don’t actually have to go.

CHARLIE (to Dennis): Are, are you going?

DENNIS: Yeah, I, I have to.

CHARLIE: Oh, well, if you’re going, I’m going then, I guess.

DENNIS: Oh, so you’re…?

MAC: What!?!

CHARLIE: Well, I didn’t get to go when I was in high school, dude. I think it might actually be fun.

DEE: Well, if you guys are going, I’m going. I’m not staying here. I want to go.

CHARLIE (excited at the prospect of going to prom): Are you going to go?

DEE: I’m going to go.

DENNIS: I have to go so….

MAC: Oh, this is pathetic! You guys are pathetic!

CHARLIE: Well, dude, you know what? Maybe if you weren’t such a jerk, someone might have asked you because Sara told me that Maureen told her that Regina McGinley totally thought you were cute and then Ray Rafferty comes up to you at the party and you’re….

MAC: Charlie, shut up! The only reason that Sara asked you in the first place is because you’re the only idiot dumb enough to listen to her bitch about her ex-boyfriend all night!

Mac leaves.

CHARLIE (places an L-shaped “Loser” gesture to his forehead): Whatever.
(to Dennis and Dee) Hey, we should have a pre-prom party.

Scene opens back at Paddy’s Pub for the pre-prom party. Dennis and Charlie emerge, dressed in tuxedos.

DENNIS (sighs): You know what, Charlie? I think this is actually going to be pretty great.

CHARLIE: Aw dude, are you kidding me? This is going to be awesome. I can’t wait to just get out there and start dancing.

DENNIS: I’m going to dance too, man.

CHARLIE (dancing): Are you going to dance, baby?

DENNIS (dancing): I’m going to dance like this.

CHARLIE: You going to dance with me?

Dee walks in in a pink dress, Charlie notices her.

CHARLIE: Oh, Dee. Come here. Let me take a look at you.

Dee approaches, drunk and with a drink in hand.

CHARLIE: Wow, you look, you look…yeah.

DEE (sighs): I know, I feel so lucky that this thing even fits still.

CHARLIE: Is that your dress from high school?

DEE: Yup.

DENNIS: You didn’t go to the prom in high school, Dee.

Dee (pouring herself another drink): No, I know. My back brace was under the dress, and Mom called me fat so I stayed home and cried instead.

DENNIS: Take, take it slow. Take it slow.

DEE: I know, you guys, but I’m just so nervous. I just want this whole night to be so special.

CHARLIE (quietly to Dennis): That dude is going to bang your sister, bro.

Mac makes an entrance wearing a tuxedo and a boutonniere.

MAC: What’s up, bitches? (twirls) Mmm!

DENNIS: What is this? What are you doing?

MAC: You assholes aren’t going to be the only ones having fun. I’m going to the prom.

DENNIS: Dork! You cannot crash a high school prom.

MAC: I’m going stag, bro.

DEE (from the bar, ironically): Mac, you are so pathetic.

MAC: Yes, and your eyebrows are drawn on so…(laughs).

DEE: Whoa, well you know what? (approaches Mac) How about this? Say it, don’t spray it (laughs).

CHARLIE (noticing Trey enter): Trey’s here. Oh, my God.

DEE: Hello. (handing her glass to Mac) Excuse me, Mac. My date has arrived.

CHARLIE: Trey is so cool.

Dennis and Mac look at Charlie.

CHARLIE: He’s totally going to bang your sister.

DEE (leaning in to kiss Trey): Hello sweet prince (giggles).

TREY (leans back): Wow, you look…good.

DEE: I know, like a princess. Can I tell you a little secret

TREY: Sure.

DEE (pushing away a nearby patron): Beat it. (to Trey) I always wanted to have sex on prom.

TREY: Ah….

Cut back to Dennis, Charlie, and Mac.

MAC: Alright, so what’s the plan? Do we have a limo or what?

CHARLIE: Uh, the plan is: you’re not coming with us.

DENNIS: Yeah.

MAC: Why not?

DENNIS: Because….

CHARLIE: Let me see, you weren’t invited and you don’t have a date.

DENNIS: …and you totally suck.

MAC: I totally suck? What is that supposed to mean?

DENNIS (sees Tammy enter): Oh, Jesus.

A Flamenco melody accompanies Tammy’s entrance.

MAC: Oh, who is that?

DENNIS: That’s my prom date.

CHARLIE (nodding): Mm-hmm.

MAC: She’s unbelievable. How old is she?

DENNIS: She’s 18.

MAC: Eighteen?

CHARLIE: You are a lucky man, you are a lucky man.

MAC (jealous): Oh, you dick.

DENNIS: Wait a second. You guys called me creepy for liking young chicks.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but 18’s legal, bro. This isn’t a morality contest.

MAC: Eighteen’s not young.

DENNIS: So you guys are giving me the go-ahead? I mean, can I…?

MAC: Go ahead!

TAMMY (approaching): Hi Dennis.

DENNIS: Hi. (looking at her cleavage) You look….

TAMMY (interrupting): Yeah, I know.

DENNIS (intimidated): Do ya?

TAMMY (in agreement): Mm-hmm.

DENNIS (whistles): Whew.

Cut back to Dee and Trey. Trey is trying to zip up (close) Dee’s dress.

TREY: I can’t zip it up. Your hair’s all caught in it.

DEE: Alright, just pull it. (grunts in pain) Oh, wow.

Trey sees Tammy from across the bar; Tammy is with Dennis.

TREY: Tammy?

DEE: Mm-mmm. No. What?

TREY (to Dee while approaching Tammy): Hold on one minute.

DENNIS (chuckles): Can I get you a drink?

TAMMY (acting coy): Maybe.

DENNIS (holding Tammy around her back): What would you like?

TAMMY (placing her hand on Dennis): Anything you want.

TREY (interrupting): Tammy, what are you doing here?

TAMMY: I’m picking up my date.

DENNIS (pointing at Dennis): You’re going to prom with this guy?

TAMMY: Yes.

TREY: Can I talk to you for a second?

Trey takes Tammy away by the arm. Charlie and Mac walk up to Dennis. Mac looks confused and Charlie is smiling.

DENNIS: What the hell is going on?

CHARLIE: That’s Tammy, Trey’s ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kinallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timby at a party but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because, you know, she thought that Trey secretly like Erin Hannabry but Trey didn’t like Erin Hannabry. It was all a bunch of bull.

DEE (entering the conversation): What is happening?

CHARLIE: That’s Tammy, Trey’s ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy….

MAC (interrupting): Ok, you know what, Charlie? You’ve got to stop, honestly.

DEE: Well, what are they talking about?

Trey and Tammy kiss as Dee, Dennis, Charlie, and Mac watch.

THE GANG (responding to the kiss, shocked): Whoa!

Trey and Tammy leave the bar, hand in hand.

DEE: Where are they going?

DENNIS: What the hell is this?

CHARLIE: Oh, man! Ah, they did it. They got what they wanted.

DENNIS: This is bullshit.

MAC: So, wait a second. They were actually using you two to make each other jealous.

CHARLIE: Yeah, and I always knew that they’d wind up together ‘cause they’re, like, so perfect for each other

DEE: Shut up, Charlie.

DENNIS: Shut up, Charlie.

CHARLIE: They’re one of those perfect matches.

MAC: That dude’s going to bang your prom date, bro.

DENNIS: Stop saying it, stop saying it. It’s not funny.

DEE: Hey, why are you such an asshole all the time?

MAC: I’m not the asshole. You guys are the ones that just got dumped on prom night.

DENNIS: You never had a date.

DEE: You got dumped on prom night! (in the background) You never even had a date for prom night.

DENNIS: Yeah, look at you. You were going to go stag to a high school prom.

MAC: Yes, I was. Absolutely.

DENNIS: How old are you, dude?

MAC: I am 28 years old and I….

DENNIS: You’re a piece of crap.

MAC: I am not a piece of crap. You’re a piece of crap!

DEE (mocking): I’m 28 and I’m going to prom. (then) I have to pee.

MAC (to Dennis): Stop it. (to Dee) Go pee. (to Charlie) I hate you Charlie.

CHARLIE (reminiscing): Just like high school.

Scene opens on the dance floor at prom. Charlie and Sara are dancing when her boyfriend, Billy, asks to cut in; Charlie approves and the couple is reunited. Charlie dances alone. “Forever Young” by Alphaville is playing.

END OF EPISODE