Tyler Perry Writes Real Life

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
I know it's been months since we last spoke, and I have no idea if this is of any interest to you, or if you have any materials to send, but, we just got a call for submissions for something very exciting, especially for you

[USHER, spoken]
Oh yeah? What is it?

[THOUGHTS]
Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry!

[USHER, spoken]
Oh, no!

[THOUGHTS]
Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry!

[USHER]
Hell no!

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
It seems he's gotten so busy with film and TV that his team is looking to farm out the gospel plays to a ghostwriter. It'll be a scream! And didn't you once tell me that your mother would lovе nothing more than for you to write one? So, how 'bout it, Ush? Just writе a sassy, matriarch, a lonely spinster who loves God, throw in a few Color Purple quotes! Whaddya say?

[USHER]
Thank you for the opportunity...

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
Of course! Of course

[USHER]
But Tyler would be none too fond of me

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
Now don't sell yourself short!

[USHER]
The crap he puts on stage, film and TV
Makes my bile want to rise!

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
I know, your "integrity."

[USHER]
Nothing that he writes seems real to me

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
Yes, you think he sucks

[USHER]
Just simple-minded hack buffoonery!

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
But no white theaters will touch you

[USHER]
And if I try to match his coonery
He'd see through my disguise

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
Just think about it!

[USHER]
It's true, I'm still emerging
Looking to make my start
But not so hungry that I'd write the Chitlin Circuit
I'm into entertainment
That's undercover art
My mission is to figure out just how to work it

Today...
Today, I plan to change this scene for the better -

(spoken)
Hello? Agent Fairweather? Somebody there?

[ANCESTORS, spoken]
Race traitor!
Race traitor!
Race traitor!

[USHER, spoken]
"Race traitor?" I'm not a race traitor! Who are you?

[HARRIET TUBMAN, spoken]
I'm Harriet motherfuckin' Tubman, and I got a problem with you!

[MARCUS GARVEY, spoken]
I'm Marcus motherfuckin' Messiah Garvey, and I've got a problem with you, too!

[JAMES BALDWIN, spoken]
Jimmy Baldwin!

[ZORA NEALE HURSTON, spoken]
Zora Neale Hurston!

[12 YEARS A SLAVE, spoken]
12 Years a Slave, here!

[WHITNEY HOUSTON, spoken]
Whitney!

[USHER, spoken]
What do you want with me?

[WHITNEY HOUSTON, spoken]
To get you together! Making me get my Black ass up outta my twenty dollar grave to put your Black ass on blast, talkin' bad about Tyler Perry!

[ANCESTORS]
Who the fuck is you, nigga?
You look it, but you ain't no true nigga!
You make us ancestors blue
Actin' brand new
Nigga, I can't with you!

Tyler is a real nigga
And not a cracker-pleasing seal, nigga!
He writes how our people feel
With him at the wheel
Nigga, what can't we do?

Cause Tyler Perry writes real life!
Tyler Perry writes real life!
He writes stories we can swallow
Like Popeyes chicken and biscuits
He writes stories we can follow
Like we followed the drinking gourd
He writes stories 'bout fat, Black women with weaves
Finding love and redemption
With muscle-bound Black men who own they own business
And truly love the Lord
And truly love the Lord!

So, if you won't follow through, nigga
I'll SMDH at you, nigga

[WHITNEY]
Cause
I'm just a somebody

[ANCESTORS]
Nigga what?

[WHITNEY]
Trying to tell everybody

[ANCESTORS]
Nigga who, ahh

[WHITNEY]
That you ain't nobody, nigga, so

[WHITNEY AND ANCESTORS]
Get off the stage!

[ANCESTORS]
Cause Tyler Perry writes real life
Cause Tyler Perry writes...
That nigga built a fucking table for us
Cause of Tyler, we ain't sitting at the back of the bus
But you still out here chasing all this white people shit
When you're broke, and ain't got no money
Broke, and ain't got no money
Broke, and ain't got no money
Nigga, that's real life!