​twenty-two thoughts on god

[Verse]
I read about the ark, but wonder ‘bout where Noah kept the fish in
God must own a Tempurpedic, that’s why Christ has seldom risen
God was bored, so Abraham beheld a vision he should kill his children
Then he almost killed him, but then God was like "I’m kidding"
God sure asks a lot for someone who’s supreme and self-sufficient
I bet Christ’s apostles really were a group of twelve magicians
If God is good, then why do kids have cancer cell division?
Truthfully, I’m more pissed off about my plasma television
That I prayed for, but I never got
If organized religion really wants to solve conditions, they should stop pedalin' scripture
Trade the bishops for physicians, melt the steeples into stethoscopes
Swap sermons for some surgeons and instead, should sell prescriptions
I wish Christ was still alive to turn my water into Zinfandel
I’m confused why ISIS slaughters guiltless infidels
I wonder if when God is sent Fidel, He would toss him into Hell
Or place the hard decisions in his closet on a shelf
The Fall of Adam sucks and all, as God has taught us very well
If God’s almighty, why could not he just have caught him as he fell?
If I could meet the Lord incarnate, I’d award him with a ribbon
Not as Savior, but as Heaven’s finest warden of a prison
If I were there when Gutenberg had beta printed newly-minted bibles
I’d say, "Wait a minute— you should shorten them a smidgen"
And for nonbelievers, make sure God’s coordinates were given
I wonder if you sin but pray it off, if all of it’s forgiven
I feel like God knew Eve would take it if he called the fruit 'forbidden'
But just plays it off, like Jesus, dude, admit it, you’re omniscient
If Allah were on Twitter, he would catch some major flack
I'd like to think if you retweeted, he would pat you on the back
I'd like to think he outlawed bacon due to saturated fat
I'd like to think he too’s confused about the SNAFU in Iraq
I'd like to think that up in Eden, there’s a patch of purple grass
Where every innocent civilian gets a statue and a plaque
The Palestine-Israeli conflict’s like the longest game of tag
And with the bombers, it’s the wrongest game of capturin' the flag
I wonder if the Lord is cross, that I do not believe in He
But more importantly, I wonder if the Lord believes in me