Twenty Dried Chilies

Done with walking days
I would rather on the couch watching TV
Twenty in a row, drying out chillies

I recall when you were a teenager
I wanted to be just like you
Play guitar and sing along and run the school

Now you’re turning twenty-seven
And I don’t know you anymore
I’m at a loss at what happens in this world
It is a cruel sensation, remembering I am human
And I’m prone to accidents of heart

I regret sending you that email where I said wanted to kill you
When I meant is that long to feel you are still someone that I know well like I used to

It is painful to age
And I’m watching Leon tell me he is suffering too
At your hands gladly slipping away

He says he is at a loss, he never knew this cruelty existed
And he lost his country, and he knows what it means to fear for your life
And he’s never cruelty like this, he wonders is it pathological
Have I asked a psychiatrist what might be wrong with you and I have and we don’t know
Maybe it’s something to do with your personality
And I think I’ve always known it
Somewhere deep inside I knew
There was no trusting you

And Leon told me Niko threw you out of a pushchair
Intentionally to display his manliness
And you hit your head on the concrete and cried
And Leon stood there amazed
What to do? What, to take you away as a toddler?

He said there’s no way to blame him
Niko’s also bruised, he didn’t know how to share my mother’s love for you
So, we’re brought back to toxic masculinity
And I don’t like to label everyone, but it seems that runs in my family
With pride and rage and dignity

I’m sorry I’m angry, too
I told you I wanted to kill you
But, I’m only afraid