​Tinder Samurai

[Intro]
Yo

[Verse]
I like to think I'm well-equipped as any other average guy
But I just can't discover love and I don't even set my standards high
On top of that, I'm camera-shy
Maybe I should opt out of the dating pool and be an undercover Tinder samurai
'Cause I would rather type online than whisper in a dingy bar
And swiping left and right could be my new bushido ninja star
I'm well-versed in virtual lovemaking ninjutsu
On every profile pic I post, I'm posing with my shih tzu
Or flexing with my shirt off, 'cause I heard that gets you hits too
Especially OkCupid, I'm like Eros or the cherubs be
I pierce hearts of women with my cursor and my arrow keys
And disregard my Roman roots, and choose a font that's serif-free
Trust me, I'm a Tinder bio brainiac
The way I kindle fire with matches, I'm a pyromaniac
On ChristianMingle, I'm a casanova, if y'all don't think so, y'all can ask Jehovah
Check your inbox, he might send an answer over
I wish I had the muscles of a granite sculpture
I would log on Ashley Madison and bang adulterers
I'm so lonely, I've considered FarmersOnly just for someone's arms to hold me
Also, I'm really big on agriculture
But if I had that body of a Grecian god
I would trawl on POF.com and use it as a fishing rod
And hope I don't get catfished, the fact is
If I did, I'd pro'bly play along, 'cause God knows I could use the practice
And if I'm aching for my roots, I'd visit shaadi.com
Message Islamic Wahhabi hijabi hotties, "Salaam"
And Sunni, Shia, those are both denominations I respect
'Cause I just care for our connection; I don't care about the sects
Sometimes, I uninstall my apps in reckless insurrectious rage
Then regret it, while I check the Craigslist missed connections page
Then I think that I should get out more, and disregard my mobile cell
Get to know the local teller at my Barnes & Noble well
And check out what she's reading while she's charging up my total sale
And ask her if she likes the novel
And once she answers, ask her if wants to grab some coffee or some ice cream waffles
She'd pro'bly say, "That's awesome", I'd ask her when she's off of work
She might answer, "Midnight", I'd tell her, "That sounds awful! What a bummer!"
And from somewhere, I might muster up the nerve to get her number
And I would ask her what her digits are
And if I play it right, then I can disregard my ninja stars
Say, "Sayonara", to katanas and my other weapons too
And try committing, by committing online dating seppuku