The Three Rules

[Louie sample]

Now I’m going to tell you what I know to be the three rules of show business

Number 1: Look them in the eye, and speak from the heart

Number 2: You’ve got to go away to come back

Number 3: If someone asks you to keep a secret, their secret is a lie

[Verse: Art Vandelay]
I lie to your face
With style and grace
And smile big when I do it too, I’m a mile away
I’m thinking ‘bout my goddamn self
And all the ways that you could probably help my acquisition of wealth
Yeah my goddamn self
A wide assortment of these fake snakes and scorpions
Who love you when you love them
But nothing’s as important as the fame and the admiration
Big names and even bigger exaggerations
On my way up to the top
I’ll leave as many dead bodies as I need to
And now it’s just a couple steps before I reach you
So great to meet you, all the things I could teach you
Like how to tumble down a cliff and let the wolves eat you
The music business is built on pipe dreams
Of little sewer rats who all look just like me
We’ve got a better chance of being struck by lightning
Than really making money off this stuff we’re writing

You sweaty-ass handshake having-ass
Stank breath breathing-ass
Hot cheeto eating-ass fuck boi
Back stage yapping like you know how to make it
If you knew how to make it then you wouldn’t be backstage yapping
And all these little girls want to get it
‘Cause they see I got a lot of stage presence
But they don’t speak a sentence without the word “like” 25 times
“you’re like, um like, the best fucking rapper guy”

I’m paranoid
Of parasites
But bright lights leave ‘em all paralyzed
I swear there’s something in the air tonight
And not just cheap cologne and B.O
It’s very nice

My best friend would probably stab me in the back
If I had a best friend but I don’t
‘Cause I cut his fucking throat
While he slept a real long time ago
Took everything he owned worth a damn and got ghost
Gotta make it to the show
I gotta get up on stage
Feeling kind of numb
And it makes my heart race
Only thing that does anymore anyway
So I pretty much kill it at any place that I can play

Man fuck a drink ticket
I’ve been wicked
You don think it
Then you don’t listen
‘Cause I script it so insipid
If you bite bitches
You might die out with throat sickness
Walter White ricin
Won’t be no witness

It’s only right that I write like this
Because I spent my whole life like this
And every day every night I sit
And clench my fist
With pen to pad
And you would kill for the skills I have