The Springfield Files

ACT ONE
Leonard Nimoy is sitting behind a desk in a darkened room.

NIMOY
Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer . . . is no. Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called Springfield . . .

He opens a book which has a picture of Homer in it. The drawing dissolves to Homer at the plant.

HOMER
T.G.I.F.! Guys, I'm off to Moe's.

LENNY
But Homer, it's ten in the morning!

HOMER
Don't worry, I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around the city, keeping its SPEED over fifty. And if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." First, I hook this common VCR into the security camera system like so, then I insert this old videotape of us working on a continuous loop. (The tape from the 1970's has Homer eating donuts in a "Sit On It" T-shirt, and talking to Lenny. Then, the tape abruptly cuts to Lenny doing a Saturday Night Fever style move - flares and all)

Pan out to Burns office, where he and Smithers watch the tape on the monitor.

BURNS
So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing Smithers? Something gay no doubt?

SMITHERS
What? What?

BURNS
You know: light-hearted, fancy-free, mothers lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town! (chuckles)

SMITHERS
(laughs) Exactly, sir. (laughs nervously)

At the retirement home.

JASPER
Thank God it's Wednesday. (Swallows cup of pills.)

MRS. GLICK
It's Friday.

JASPER
Uh oh, wrong pills. (He suddenly grows hairy) Uh, little help?

At Noiseland Arcade: "Friday, Meet Donkey Kong In Person". Donkey Kong is smoking and scratching himself, without an audience.

SARCASTIC CLERK
Sorry, Donkey Kong, but you're just not a draw anymore. (Donkey Kong throws a barrel, and knocks him down.) Hey, he's still got it!

Inside, Milhouse plays Kevin Costner's Waterworld.

MILHOUSE
(putting money in) 38, 39, 40 quarters. This better be good.

The character in the game moves two steps, and stops.

GAME
Game over, please deposit 40 quarters.

MILHOUSE
What a rip!

But he starts depositing quarters again.

DR HIBBERT
Thank God it's Friday!

He hums as he leaves, closing the door to reveal Hans Moleman stood behind an X-Ray machine.

MOLEMAN
Hello? Hello?

At the Simpson home, the living room looks spotless...however it's just a picture in a magazine entitled "Better Homes Than Yours". Santa's Little Helper chews on a chair, and Snowball II scratches the furniture.

MARGE
Bad dog! Bad cat! (A fawn licks something off the carpet.) Bad Fawn! Hmmm...Shoo shoo!

Bart and Lisa are in the den watching television.

LISA
All right! It's time for ABC's T.G.I.F. line-up!

BART
Lis, when you get a little older, you'll realize that Friday is just another day between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night Crap-o-Rama.

At Moe's Tavern.

MOE
Another Duff, Homer?

HOMER
Nah, it's Friday night, Moe. I want to try something special.

MOE
Sure, sure. (Writes on a bottle) Here you go, Düff. From Sweden, huh huh.

HOMER
Goal! (Takes a sip) Wait a minute, this is Duff!

MOE
Heh heh, you got me didn't you? Okay, here you go, Red Tick Beer.

HOMER
Mmm...bold, refreshing, and something I can't quite put my finger on.

At the beer processing plant, dogs are swimming in a vat of beer, a tester tastes some.

TESTER
Hmm, needs more dog.

HOMER
Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

MOE
Just a second, Homer. You gotta take a breathalyzer test before I let you drive home.

The machine reads Tipsy, Soused, Stinkin', Boris Yeltsin. Homer gets the latter.

HOMER
Uh, I guess I'll walk home. (walks out, swaying) Ohh...

He walks down eerie roads. He hears scary, Psycho-esque music and a light comes towards him. It turns out to be a bus for the Springfield Philharmonic orchestra. The bus stops and a violinist gets off. Homer continues on his way, and comes across a billboard reading "DIE". He screams, but then a gust of wind blows a tree out of the way to reveal it actually says "DIET". He screams louder and runs off towards the woods. Grampa emerges from the undergrowth.

GRAMPA
Oh, son I'm glad to see you! I went for the morning paper and I got lost! And--

HOMER
No time for you, old man!

He pushes him over, then while running trips over a root. He becomes bathed in a green light, and X-Files-style music is heard. A green glow moves towards him, and an alien-looking figure can be seen.

HOMER
Please, don't hurt me!

ALIEN
(with a soft voice) Don't be afraid.

HOMER
Yahhh!

Homer runs through a field of long grass, creating the pattern "Yahhh!"

ACT TWO
Back at home, Homer bursts into the bedroom.

MARGE
Homer, it's 2am. What happened?

HOMER
It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid"!

MARGE
Have you been drinking?

HOMER
No! Well, ten beers.

MARGE
Hmmm...

The next morning.

HOMER
I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet.

LISA
Maybe you just dreamed it.

HOMER
Oh yeah? Well when I came to I was covered with a sticky, translucent goo. Explain that!

MARGE
More sausage? (Homer drools)

LISA
Dad, according to Junior Skeptic Magazine, the chances are 175 million to one of another form of life actually coming into contact with ours.

HOMER
So?

LISA
It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh, and you, Dad. (chuckles nervously)

Bart runs in with a water pistol, and slinky eyes.

BART
I am the thing... from Uranus!

HOMER
Ahhh! Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked, by my own children...on my birthday.

BART
It's your birthday?

HOMER
Yes! Remember? It's the same day as the dog's.

LISA
Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday? Ooh, we've got to get you a present. Yes we do. Yes we do! (runs to the dog)

BART
We love you.

MARGE
Good doggy, good doggy! (Lisa, Bart, Marge and Maggie all hug the dog)

HOMER
Lousy loveable dog.

At the nuclear plant, Homer tells his colleagues about the experience.

HOMER
Oh, it was awful. They sat me on a cold, metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes. And--oh, wait, that was my physical.

CARL
Great story Homer, really.

The crowd groans and leaves. Homer takes a trip to the police station.

HOMER
The alien has a sweet heavenly voice...like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night...like Urkel!

WIGGUM
Well your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. (Hums and makes typing motion in the air)

HOMER
Ugh, you don't have to humiliate me.

He leaves, and another man walks in, with scorched clothing.

ARSONIST
I just torched a building downtown, and I'm afraid I'll do it again!

WIGGUM
Oh, yeah right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. (Hums and types again) Fruitcake.

Establishing shot outside a building. Text appears on-screen as if being typed, a la The X Files:
FBI
DIVISION OF PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Inside, there is a picture of J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, Scully is typing on the computer. Mulder enters the room.

MULDER
Look at this Scully. (He shows her the Springfield Shopper newspaper, with headline: "Human Blimp Sees Flying Saucer" and a picture of Homer) There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.

SCULLY
Well, gee Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.

MULDER
I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.

Mulder and Scully visit the Simpsons home. Mulder knocks on the door, and Marge answers.

MARGE
Hello. Can I help you?

MULDER
Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.

MARGE
Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse, then I was going to bring it back but the dog chewed it up, and that just made things worse. (she hyperventilates)

SCULLY
Actually, we're here to see your husband about his UFO encounter.

MARGE
(still hyperventilating) Oh...come...come in.

At the FBI Springfield Branch (Invading Your Privacy For 60 Years). A line-up takes place.

SCULLY
Mr. Simpson, look at this line-up and tell us if any of these is the aliens you saw.

The aliens are Marvin the Martian, RoboCop, Chewbacca, ALF, and either Kang or Kodos.

ALF
Yo!

HOMER
No, I'm sorry.

The aliens all mutter and leave.

MARVIN
This makes me very angry!

In an interrogation room, Cigarette Smoking Man hides in a corner, while Scully prepares tests.

SCULLY
Now we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few 'yes or no' questions, and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?

HOMER
Yes! (The machine blows up)

In another lab, Scully taps Homer's knee for reflex. A very long time later, Homer feels it.

HOMER
Ow!

Next Homer is on a treadmill in just his underpants, with electrodes attached to him.

MULDER
Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?

SCULLY
No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.

MULDER
His jiggling is almost hypnotic.

SCULLY
Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

Establishing shot outside Moe's. The phrase "ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY" is typed over and over on screen.

MULDER
All right Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.

HOMER
Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

SCULLY
Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.

HOMER
We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?

HOMER
(Several beers later) You are one fine looking woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that! (stamps bottle on bar, and it fizzes over) I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God I love her! Hey, a penny! (Dives to grab it)

MOE
So uh, so what are you guys anyhow?

MULDER
Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.

MOE
FBI, huh? Uh, 'scuse me. (Goes to the back room, where two guys are hosing down a whale) All right, they're on to us. Get him back to Sea World!

HOMER
(Even more drunk) So I said, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same colour in the end.

SCULLY
Homer, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar.

HOMER
(In the forest) I was standing right here, when the horrible creature emerged from the woods.

There is a rustling from a bush, and Grampa emerges.

GRAMPA
For the love of God help me! I've been here for four days, and a turtle's got a hold of my teeth! There he is. (Chases the turtle) Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get you...

SCULLY
This is the worst assignment we've ever had.

MULDER
Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?

The turtle bites Grampa.

GRAMPA
Ow, it bit me with my own teeth!

SCULLY
No, this is much more irritating. I've seen enough Mulder, let's go.

MULDER
Yeah okay. But somewhere out there, something is watching us. There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive. (Scully rolls her eyes, and leaves) Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us. (hours later) Voodoo priests of Haiti, Tibetan Numerologists of Appalachia. The unsolved mysteries of...unsolved mysteries. The truth...is out there!

Moe and the two guys from the bar come pass carrying the whale.

MOE
Who would have thought a whale could be so heavy? Cheese it, the Feds! (they run off)

That night at the Simpson home. Homer and Marge are in bed.

HOMER
Oh Marge, I've never felt so alone. No one believes me. (pause) Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer."

MARGE
I don't believe you, Homer.

HOMER
You do! Oh Marge, you've made me so happy!

MARGE
Hmm... you're not listening. You're only hearing what you wanna hear.

HOMER
Thanks, I'd love an omelette right about now.

MARGE
Homer, please! I try to be supportive, but this has gone to far. Please just let it be.

HOMER
No, I can't. This is my cause. I'm like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

MARGE
Please, let's just go to sleep.

HOMER
No, I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy. Unless you're feeling... amorous. Rrrr!

MARGE
No I'm not.

HOMER
Well then, good night.

Homer is sat in the kitchen. Bart enters.

BART
Hey Dad. What's the word from planet crackpot?

HOMER
Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too.

BART
Well actually dad, I believe you.

HOMER
You do?

BART
Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.

HOMER
Thank you son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?

BART
Hell, yes.

HOMER
That's my boy. If you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!

BART
What if we don't?

HOMER
We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.

BART
(chuckling) They'll buy anything.

HOMER
Now son, they do a lot of quality programming too. (Pause, then they both laugh hard) I kill me.

At the woods, Homer and Bart camp out. Frogs sit on lily pads in a pond.

FROG 1
Bud...

FROG 2
...weis...

FROG 3
...er!

FROG 1
Bud...

FROG 2
...weis...

FROG 3
...er!

And alligator surfaces and eats the frogs.

ALLIGATOR
Coors!

BART
Yo, dad can I have a sip of your beer?

HOMER
Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake ID's. Besides, it's such a beautiful night, how about a ghost story?

BART
(Sometime later) ...And that, is how much college will cost for Maggie.

HOMER
No! No! Nooo!!

BART
(later again) You know dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien. I've really had a great time out here.

HOMER
Yeah, me too.

Suddenly, there is a green glow, and the X-Files theme is heard. The alien emerges from the woods.

HOMER
It's him!

ALIEN
I bring you peace.

HOMER
As a representative of Planet Earth, let me be the first to say... (Steps in the camp fire) Ahhh! (screams more)

ALIEN
Ahhh! (it runs off)

HOMER
D'oh! It's gone. And we still don't have any proof.

BART
Oh yes we do, I got it all on tape! (holds up camcorder)

HOMER
Good work son! We did it! We did it!

They high five, and we dissolve back into the storybook. Leonard Nimoy closes the book.

NIMOY
And so, from this simple man came the truth, that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy, good night.

TEENAGER
(from off-screen) Uh Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.

NIMOY
Oh, fine. Let me, uh, just get, uh...something out of my car. (runs off and car is heard driving away)

TEENAGER
(walking into camera shot) I don't think he's coming back.

ACT THREE
BROCKMAN
Tonight on Eye-Witness News: A man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.

MAN
(In a hospital room) Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?

BROCKMAN
No, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.

MAN
Good night! (he dies)

BROCKMAN
But first, ET phone Homer. Simpson, that is.

HOMER
Marge, kids, they're about to show my videotape! (everyone rushes in)

BROCKMAN
Local man Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamp post (File Photo displayed), has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter, of the blurred kind. (chuckles)

ALIEN
(on the video) I bring you peace.

BROCKMAN
The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire channel six news team will be there, except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. (He is hit on the head with the boom) Ow! Very unprofessional, Phil.

BART
Well, Lis. What do you think about the alien now?

LISA
I think there must be a more logical explanation. And I think the people of this town aren't going to be won over by three seconds of videotape.

The doorbell rings, and Homer is greeted by a large crowd.

HOMER
Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all. Dr Hibbert?

DR HIBBERT
Yes, is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based?

HOMER
Uh, the second one. Zillophone. Next question.

BARNEY
Is the alien Santa Claus?

HOMER
Uh, yes.

FLANDERS
Uh, were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane?

HOMER
This interview is over! (Slams door, and the weather vane falls)

At the church.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens, he came in peace, and then died. Only to come back to life. His name was... E.T.: The Extraterrestrial. I loved that little guy.

It is Friday night. A 'Welcome Alien' banner is in the woods, and the band plays 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'. Everyone is in the woods waiting for the alien. Jimbo Jones has a sign, 'Alien Dude: Need Two Tickets to Pearl Jam'

BART
Leonard Nimoy! What are you doing here?

NIMOY
Wherever there is a mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.

BART
(unimpressed) Uh-huh.

HOT DOG VENDOR
Hey, Spock, what do you want 0n your hot dog?

NIMOY
Surprise me.

He sticks a load of veg on it. Homer looks at the T-shirt sales.

HOMER
Take a look at this Lisa. (Holds up 'Homer Was Right' T-Shirt) You don't see any "Homer Is A Dope" T-shirts, do you?

T-SHIRT VENDOR
We sold those out in five minutes.

HOMER
D'oh! (Marge and Maggie are wearing "Homer is a Dope" shirts) Marge, how could you?

MARGE
These shirts are 100% cotton, and look at the fine stitching on "Dope".

HOMER
I'll take two.

Suddenly, the clouds draw together as the alien approaches.

KRUSTY
Ahhh!

HOMER
Look. There it is!

MARGE
Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you.

ALIEN
I bring you love!

DR HIBBERT
Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? (chuckles)

ALIEN
Uh...I bring you love!

LENNY
It's bringing love, don't let it get away!

CARL
Break its legs!

LISA
Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien!

Lisa shines her torch on it, and it is revealed to be Mr. Burns.

BURNS
Hello, children. I bring you love.

WILLY
It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!

SMITHERS
It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns.

WILLY
Aw, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it!

SMITHERS
No, let me explain. Every Friday evening after work Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments designed to cheat death for another week. (Burns is on a conveyor belt) First Mr. Burns' chiropractors perform a slight spinal adjustment. Then a team of doctors administer his eye drops, pain killers, and a vocal cord straightening.

DR. NICK
Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. (Holds up huge instrument) Till I jam this down your throat!

SMITHERS
The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented. (Burns wanders into the woods dazed and confused)

DR NICK
(At the door of the hospital) The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.

Back at the woods.

BART
But what's with the glowing?

MR. BURNS
Um, I'll field that question. A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow. And left me as impotent as a Nevada Boxing Commissioner. And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love, I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and--

DR NICK
Time for a booster! (Jabs in a needle)

Music starts and the crowd begins to sing.

MR. BURNS
Good morning star shine. The Earth says hello!

NIMOY
You twinkle above us, we twinkle below.

EVERYONE
Good morning star shine, you meet us along...

Music and singing continues as Homer and Marge talk.

MARGE
Well, you said you'd bring them peace and love, and it looks like you did it. I'm proud of you Homie.

HOMER
Thanks, Marge.

TEENAGER
(Closes the storybook) And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Goodnight, and keep watching the skis. Uh, skies.