The Serenity Now Script

THE COSTANZAS ARE DRIVING IN THE CAR.

FRANK: I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward.

ESTELLE: That's as far as it goes.

FRANK: There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight.

ESTELLE: I pulled it. It doesn't go.

FRANK: If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame the mechanism!

GEORGE: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.

FRANK: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now!

GEORGE: What is that?

FRANK: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'

GEORGE: Are you supposed to yell it?

FRANK: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

GEORGE: What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?

ESTELLE: I told you to fix that thing.

FRANK: Serenity nowww!

INT. MONK'S CAFE

PATTY: So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish

place La Caridad on Saturday.

JERRY: Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener.

PATTY: Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.

JERRY: What? All right, fine.

PATTY: Are you mad at me?

JERRY: No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is.

PATTY: You know... I've never seen you mad.

JERRY: I get peeved.

PATTY: Mad.

JERRY: Miffed.

PATTY: *Mad*.

JERRY: Irked?

PATTY: I'd like to see you get *really* mad.

GEORGE: Why does she want you to be mad?

JERRY: She says I suppress my emotions.

GEORGE: So what do you care what she thinks.

JERRY: Good body.

GEORGE: She probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.

JERRY: But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell.

GEORGE: Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!

KRAMER: (Laughing) What is that, a new bit?

GEORGE: I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens?

JERRY: Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.

KRAMER: I'll do it.

GEORGE: Really? You wanna come?

KRAMER: Yeah, I love going to the country.

ELAINE: Where are they goin'?

JERRY: Fix a screen door in Queens.

ELAINE: (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night?

JERRY: Not goin' to the Knick game.

ELAINE: I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.

JERRY: You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift.

ELAINE: (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible.

KRAMER: (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen door. (Takes picture) Perfect.

GEORGE: Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off.

ESTELLE: I hate that old door. Throw it out!

FRANK: Serenity now!

KRAMER: It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for ya.

FRANK: Will you put her to rest for me?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door)

ESTELLE: (From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the garage.

GEORGE: Dad, what's all this?

ESTELLE: (From other room) It's junk.

FRANK: My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up!

GEORGE: You're selling computers?

FRANK: Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading, and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.

GEORGE: Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM?

FRANK: Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son.

JERRY: Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!

PATTY: I think they have 1% over there.

JERRY: 1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!

PATTY: OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.

JERRY: You're damn right you're not buying it!

PATTY: You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open.

JERRY: I'm open. There's just nothing in there.

PATTY: Sarcastically) Uh huh.

JERRY: Oh, you think I'm lying about this?

PATTY: I think you are.

JERRY: Well, I'm not.

PATTY: Yes, you are, liar.

JERRY: Oh, stop it.

PATTY: OK, liar.

JERRY: That's enough!

PATTY: Ooh, that was good.

JERRY: Really? It felt good.

ELAINE: Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.

LIPPMAN: Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's a man.

ELAINE: Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses Elaine)

ADAM: I'm a man!

JERRY: Tongue?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.

JERRY: Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.

ELAINE: And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)

JERRY: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.

ELAINE: Where did that come from?

JERRY: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: Good.

GEORGE: All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers.

JERRY: What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage death match.

GEORGE: Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah.

GEORGE: What-what are you doing?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet.

JERRY: What do you need it for?

KRAMER: (Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

GEORGE: Morning, ma.

ESTELLE: (From another room ) You're late!

GEORGE: Morning, dad.

FRANK: I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr. Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.

LLOYD: (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar.

GEORGE: What is Lloyd Braun doing here?

FRANK: Your mother recommended him.

GEORGE: Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution?

FRANK: I didn't read his resume.

LLOYD: (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on the big board.

GEORGE: (Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this?

FRANK: (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good work, Braun.

ESTELLE: (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!

ELAINE: So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology accepted.

ADAM: I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone.

ELAINE: Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.

ADAM: Are you free Friday night?

ELAINE: I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early... 20s.

ADAM: But I'm a man. The rabbi said so.

ELAINE: No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.

ADAM: Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First, they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me Boggle. I renounce my religion!

LIPPMAN: Who wants cookies?

ADAM: As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit!

LIPPMAN: What?

ELAINE: (Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.

FRANK: You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik.

ESTELLE: (From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik!

FRANK: Serenity now!

GEORGE: You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit!

FRANK: I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)

GEORGE: You wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) Serenity now!

ELAINE: Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.

ADAM: (Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of good. 'Early 20s'!

ELAINE: Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.

LIPPMAN: So, that's the type of guy you're looking for?

ELAINE: Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts making out with her)

PATTY: (Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this?

JERRY: (Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey.

KRAMER: (Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.

JERRY: Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely.

KRAMER: Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.

JERRY: You barbecuing tonight?

KRAMER: (Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks.

JERRY: So, where do you want to eat tonight?

PATTY: How about La Caridad again?

JERRY: Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?

PATTY: Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon.

JERRY: Well, I don't think more flan is the answer!

PATTY: Maybe I should just leave.

JERRY: 'Maybe'!?

PATTY: Good-bye!

JERRY: Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)

KRAMER: Hey, buddy!

ELAINE: (Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year!

KRAMER: (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...

ELAINE: Did you and Patty just break up?

JERRY: Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it!

ELAINE: Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad.

JERRY: That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood.

ELAINE: Whoa. What is the matter?

JERRY: It's Patty.

ELAINE: Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.

JERRY: (Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?

ELAINE: Oh my God. You're crying.

JERRY: This is horrible! I care!

JERRY: Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her.

KRAMER: She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?

JERRY: I don't know what's happening to me.

KRAMER: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.

JERRY: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters)

GEORGE: Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's apartment)

KRAMER: (Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either!

GEORGE: (hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.

JERRY: You ever heard of a little thing called feelings?

GEORGE: Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.

JERRY: Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: I love you, George. Come here.

GEORGE: I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.

JERRY: Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT, NIGHT

KRAMER: Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink?

JERRY: Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!

KRAMER: I love you, too, buddy, and George--

GEORGE: I don't want to hear it, Kramer!

KRAMER: Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast.

GEORGE: What signal? What-what signal?

KRAMER: I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'

GEORGE: If I do it, will you buy a computer?

KRAMER: On the signal, George. On the signal.

GEORGE: Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.

JERRY: I love you, Costanza.

GEORGE: Will you shut up?!

KRAMER: Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!

INT. CAB; ELAINE AND GEORGE

ELAINE: So now the *other* Lippman kissed me.

GEORGE: Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: It means a non-Jewish woman.

ELAINE: I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to do with it?

GEORGE: You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.

ELAINE: Oh, that's insane.

GEORGE: I'll tell you what's insane: the price that I could get you on a new desktop computer.

ELAINE: I am not buying a computer from you.

GEORGE: There's porn.

ELAINE: (Pausing) Even so.

GEORGE: Damn it!

INT. LIPPMAN'S HOUSE

ELAINE: Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa.

LIPPMAN: That's simply not true.

ELAINE: If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me.

LIPPMAN: You are wrong. I'll prove it.

ELAINE: Oh, no. Don't!

LIPPMAN: I renounce Judaism!

ELAINE: Oy vey!

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY: What happened to you, pal?

KRAMER: Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.

JERRY: Are you all right?

KRAMER: Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.

JERRY: So, you're using Frank's relaxation method?

KRAMER: (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!

ELAINE: (Enters) Hey, what happened to you?

KRAMER: Serenity! (He exits)

ELAINE: Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is *with* you people? What are you looking at?

JERRY: Sit down, Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.

JERRY: I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.

ELAINE: Do you have an apple or anything?

JERRY: Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.

ELAINE: Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.

JERRY: Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...

ELAINE: Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!

JERRY: When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us!

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Elaine...

GEORGE: (Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg?

JERRY: I'm asking Elaine to marry me.

GEORGE: (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.

JERRY: Elaine?

ELAINE: Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now.

JERRY: Lippman?

ELAINE: (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on!

JERRY: Can I help you?

ELAINE: No. Stay! Stay. Stay.

INT. COSTANZAS' GARAGE

FRANK: Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt!

GEORGE: (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?

FRANK: Costanza, you're white hot!

PHONE: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and--

FRANK: Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the same: you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik!

ESTELLE: You're not gonna give away that water pik!

FRANK: You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now!

LLOYD: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.

GEORGE: What do you know? You were in the nut house.

LLOYD: What do you think put me there?

GEORGE: I heard they found a family in your freezer

LLOYD: Serenity now. Insanity later.

INT. HALLWAY IN TO JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY: What happened here, Kramer?

KRAMER: Serenity now, serenity now...

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.

JERRY: You don't look well.

KRAMER: Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.

JERRY: Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose.

KRAMER: (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww!

GEORGE: Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!

KRAMER: (crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now!

GEORGE: Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers?

KRAMER: (Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww!

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

GEORGE: Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* computers?

KRAMER: (Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.

JERRY: He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it?

GEORGE: Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it.

JERRY: George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?

GEORGE: All right... here goes...

INT. RABBI'S OFFICE

ELAINE: Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this Shiks-appeal?

RABBI: Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch.

ELAINE: Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.

RABBI: Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date?

ELAINE: (About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...?

RABBI: You know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

GEORGE: So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me.

JERRY: Yikes. Well, good look with all that.

GEORGE: Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compassion.

JERRY: I think you scared me straight.

ELAINE: All right, Jerome, I'm in.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.

JERRY: I tell ya, I don't see it happening.

ELAINE: What? What happened to the new Jerry?

JERRY: He doesn't work here anymore.

ELAINE: Oh, well that's just *great!*

GEORGE: I love you, Jerry.

JERRY: (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.

GEORGE: You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together.

ELAINE: Well, that's because you're an idiot.

INT. COSTANZAS' GARAGE

FRANK: You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of bankruptcy.

GEORGE: Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales?

FRANK: He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing that bell.

ESTELLE: I told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car in!

FRANK: This is a place of business. I told you never to come in here. Serenity now!

ESTELLE: All right...

GEORGE: Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff.

FRANK: So, what am I supposed to say?

GEORGE: 'Hoochie mama'?

ESTELLE: Move your crap, I'm comin' in!

FRANK: No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama!