The Secret News (News ticker sound effect)

ANNOUNCER: (whispering)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Secret News

(News ticker gets louder.)

ANNOUNCER: Shhhhh!

(Ticker lowers.)

ANNOUNCER:
Here is the Secret News:
All people are afraid
No one knows what they're doing
Everything is getting worse
Some people deserve to die
Your money is worthless
No one is properly dressed
At least one of your children will disappoint you
The system is rigged
Your house will never be completely clean
All teachers are incompetent
There are people who really dislike you
Nothing is as good as it seems
Things don't last
No one is paying attention
The country is dying
God doesn't care
Shhhhh