The Secret Marines Sex Kitten Beach Party

When I was younger - back in Parsippany, New Jersey - my daddy, who was on two-weeks leave from the Secret Marines base near a nudist camp outside of Fort Dicks, took me to Morristown to have my eyes examined
We sat in the waiting room for almost an hour nervously thumbing through the magazines
Highlights' "Goofus and Gallant" was my favorite
While trying to ignore the occasional muffled screams we could hear coming through the wall, I remember watching Daddy salute some old photo of President Eisenhower in one of the mags, and thinking how Ike would look better with lipstick and one of those propeller beanies
Wouldn't that be funny?
He would've looked like some giant glob of monosodium glutamate
Hydrogenated, dude!

When my time arrived, I went into the doctor's office alone
There was a folding chair over to the side and the doc said he'd be right with me as soon as he was finished with this last patient
His patient was some grey-haired clean cut middle-aged man, who appeared to have a pleasant disposition
He smiled at me and called me "lad" and I liked that
The nice man looked through this big machine that looked like it came from Mars and started reciting letters from the alphabet to Mr. Eye Doctor

When the doc pulled the machine away, the nice man leaned forward, opened his mouth wide, and literally bit off the doc's entire face, swinging the now-lifeless skin back and forth in his mouth like a dog, and the doc's blood sprayed all over my mom's Maybelline t-shirt
The doc's eyes were dangling in every which way and direction, and his nose was totally gone
His teeth looked like a skeleton, but with tons and tons of pulsating blood flowing from all the torn muscle tissue
He had a ghastly kind of skeleton smile as he gurgled and moaned and knocked into the machines, breaking a lot of glass and making a real mess

The nice man in the chair spit out Doc's face and began swinging from the overhead hanging light fixtures like a chimpanzee, laughing hysterically
Somehow the doc still had his glasses on with the blood squirting all over the inside of the lenses
He needed those funny trick-glasses with the battery-operated windshield wipers on 'em, except on the inside! Hahaha...
The doc kind of reminded me of that photo of old Ike, but much more animated and colorful

The nice man soon dropped to the floor, pushed the doc aside, and ran out into the street right in front of a speeding bus, which squashed him like a grape
His glasses flew off just in the nick of time, however, into the gutter
My daddy - always prudent - quickly ran over to the puddle that remained of the nice man and picked up his glasses
Pleased with himself, he approached me, then carefully placed them on my face
A perfect fit!
I could see so clearly too, and without Daddy having to spend a penny