The Poodle Lecture [FZ: OZ]

In the beginning GOD made 'the light.' Shortly thereafter GOD made the poodle—as you can see by this model that we have in front of us. When GOD made the poodle initially it was a very handsome sort of a dog—it had HAIR, HAIR, HAIR, evenly distributed all over its charming canine poodle-shape body

Shortly after the construction of the poodle itself, GOD made TWO big mistakes. The first one was called MAN, and the second one was called WO-MAN. WO-MAN looketh upon the poodle and saith unto herself, "This poodle, with hair evenly distributed all over its body, is of no use to me for it is not SLEEK, it is not STREAMLINED, it is not FASHIONABLE, and in many instances it is REPULSIVE because of the brown things attached to the hair on the rear part of the dog, and I must have this dog modified," so she turneth unto MAN, and saith unto MAN, "SUCKER, GO GET A JOB!" And MAN, being the chump that he was, wenteth out and wenteth forth and lefteth the cave, and went into the world itself and gotteth a job

Whereupon he returneth to the cave with his MONEY, and the WO-MAN looketh upon the money and said, "SUCKER! Take this money and go buy me a pair of scissors, whereby I might clippeth upon this poodle and modify it to my own personal taste and secret moist innermost DESIRES." And the MAN, being the chump that he was, went out and boughteth the poodle-clipping shears and brought them back to the WO-MAN and handeth the shears to the WO-MAN, whereupon she GRABBETH the poodle thusly . . . and with a DEFT, SWIFT, DENSE ECUMENICAL PATINA (Talk about it!) of a STROKE (Talk about it!), she clippeth upon the poodle, near the FETLOCK, all across the THORAX, in the MEDULLA, and . . . right near the cappuciano here, and streamlined that sucker until it looked just like this, with little feet sticking out and a little ball on the end, making the dags very easy to remove, and she putteth the poodle in a quasi-erotic sort of a position, near where she was sprawled out on the cave . . . stucketh her leggeths up unto the air, "Boof," like this, exposing to the poodle the central core of her desire, and looked deep into the poodle's eyes and said these piquant little words that we shall not soon forget: