The Playbook

NARRATOR: Kids, the secret to dating is very simple: Be confident, be comfortable in your skin, be assured of who you are.
Uncle Barney was really good at that last one, even though a lot of the time who he was was someone else.
Hi.
Do you see that guy over there in the scuba suit? You thinking of going and talking to him? No.
Good.
He's seriously the biggest jerk on the face of the Earth.
How do you know him? Oh, he's one of my best friends.
So what's with the scuba suit? Well, it's a long story.
See, he just went through a breakup NARRATOR: There's two basic philosophies of how to handle yourself after a breakup.
Some people throw themselves into My career.
That's my number one focus right now.
From now on, no more dating.
It's all about work.
NARRATOR: While others throw themselves into Every woman in New York City.
That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market.
Mothers, lock up your daughters.
Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCAs.
MILSWANCAs? Wait, I can get this.
Mothers I'd Like To Sleep With And Never Call Again.
Correct! Cile gets the square.
Don't you think you're kinda rushg back into this? Lily, since I started dating Robin, there's a certain thing I haven't used as much as I would like to.
It's kinda big, surprisingly heavy, kind of leathery, and it's black.
Huh? This, my friends is The Playbook.
Corrected by cRaZyMaGgOt and Alex28 The Playbook contains every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem and bamboozle I've ever used-- or ever hope to use-- to pick up chicks and give them the business.
Wow, you wrote another book? Uh we got a Stephen King over here.
It's all in here.
Everything from basic moves like "The Don't Drink That.
" Whoa, don't drink that.
I saw some guy slip something in there.
What? Who? Uh that guy.
(Ted grunts) Thank you.
To more advanced maneuvers like "The Mrs.
Stinsfire.
" Now Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing for lewd behavior last semester, we have been aigned a new housemom.
I'd like you to meet Mrs.
Stinsfire.
Hello, girls! Wow.
I can't picture a way that wouldn't work.
What's "The Loreo Von Matterhorn"? I'm glad you asked.
"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" will be my grand return to the stage.
Or you know, the bed.
Actually, my bed is kind of on a stage.
I put a platform underneath, and got some lights going.
It's a real production.
Barney exits! So, how about you, Robin? You getting back out there? Where is your playbook? My playbook? Yeah.
Bro, uh, two-volume set, right here.
It's a great read actually.
Yeah, I'm reading it right now.
Anyway, I told you already, I'm taking a break from all that.
Mm, mm.
Marshall, it's totally gonna happen.
So gonna happen.
What's gonna happen? You're gonna fall in love.
So soon.
(laughs) Not likely I'm focusing on my career.
I'm done with dating.
Oh, okay, we playing The Pyramid? Okay, uh, "Things people say right before they meet the love of their life.
" Ooh! Kelly Harris, girl I went to law school with said (Marshall's voice): Hey, law school'so hard, I just want to focus on my studies.
Six months later? Married! We, that's all well and good Travis Frenchroy, backup bartender tells me (Ted's voice): Oh, I'm so over the whole dating game.
I just want to focus on my Star Trek fan fiction.
Six months later Married! May I respond? Mm-hmm Well, that's all well and good for them Matthew Blitz, accountant at my office says (Marshall's voice): Oh, I'm gonna die single and alone.
I might as well just focus on this year's taxes.
Six months later? Protest all you want, but it's gonna happen.
It's a law of nature.
Lawyered.
Of nature.
Believe me, I'd love to have no interest in a relationship.
There's no way I'd be single right now if I wanted to be single.
Okay, now you're ready.
Ready for what? Three years ago, this girl Shelly started teaching at my school.
The moment I saw her, I was like, "This is the girl for Ted."
Why am I just hearing about her now? Ah You know, I usually hate being set up but this Ted just sounds so great.
Oh, he is.
He's so sweet and thoughtful and intelligent.
MARSHALL: Come on buddy! One more chicken finger and the crown is yours! Hmm, I don't see him anywhere.
He must be out doing charity work.
So, different bar? (muffled): That girl with Lily's pretty cute! Oh, yeah she was cute.
Yeah, still is.
And now you're ready.
Yeah, bro, now you can fit like, three times as many chicken fingers in your mouth.
You know it.
Okay, I will set it up, but promise me you won't do anything stupid.
I promise I won't do anything stupid.
And I kept that promise.
But only because she never showed up.
I know.
I'm sorry, I feel terrible.
You should feel teible! I do feel terrible! I do! You should! You should! You should! I do, I do! I don't.
Look, I was really looking forward to meeting Ted, but I got to the bar an hour early and I met this amazing guy.
Like, seriously amazing.
And you met him at MacLaren's? Yeah, right at the bar.
What's his name? I shouldn't say.
Oh, what the heck.
It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn! You son of a bitch.
So, he hooked up with Shelly? You must've been pissed.
Damn straight.
Barney, I've had Shelly set aside for Ted for three years.
Dude, Ted was not missing out.
She's brainy and annoying, kind of boring in the sack.
Oh, I guess she would've been perfect for Ted.
Oops.
Ow! Ok.
Had I known that she was there to meet Ted, of course I wouldn't have done it, but given the circumstances, I think Ted'll be proud of me.
I pulled off "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn."
Okay, what's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? My question exactly.
Okay, what's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? Glad you asked.
BARNEY: To perform the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, here's what you'll need: Basic knowledge of Web site design and a very unique fake name.
So, think of your fake name right now.
Have you got it? Good.
Now, select your target.
Preferably a girl with a real ni phone.
(sighing) Yeah, it's me.
Do I know you? I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Are you, like, famous or something? Yes.
(laughs) What a refreshing change of pace.
Nice to meet you Shelly.
Shelly.
Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Spelled like it sounds two "T"s.
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Ciao.
BARNEY: Then, as soon as you're gone, she gets out her phone and does an Internet search for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
And that's when she discovers.
a series of fake Web sites, all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
There's the fake business article about Lorenzo, the reclusive billionaire.
The fake Explorers Club newsletter describing his balloon trek to the North Pole as a feat of pure daring and imagination.
The fake medical journal featuring the heartbreaking story of doctors telling him penis reduction surgery isn't an option.
And by the time you get back.
.
Hi, Shelly, uh, I hate to be forward, but can I buy you a cup of coffee? Yes! Please.
What does coffee go for these days, $50? (laughs): Oh, Lorenzo.
And it is on.
That's awful.
You realize you broke her heart, right? She's inconsolable.
Why would she be inconsolable? Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the Arctic for another week.
The only way she would be upset is if someone told her it was all a bunch of lies.
It was all just a bunch of lies? It was all just a bunch of lies.
The balloon expedition? Lies! The man-made island shaped like his face off the coast of Dubai? Lies! Finishing third in the laser tag competition? Li-- Oh, actually, that one's true.
I went to that.
You went to the Vatican? Lies! Oh, my God! Well, I hope you're happy with yourself.
What? You broke that girl's heart.
Me? You! She'll probably never trust a guy again.
You ruined her for Ted.
Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother.
Can you believe that? He blames me Oh, and by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you.
Hmm, let me think.
Do I want to go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? Guys, help me out with the harmonies.
Sure.
* Hell no * Hell no * Hell no * Hell no* Well, you must be a little bothered by this.
Well, it's his life.
Look, if these girls are dumb enough to fall for this crap, Agreed.
Have you seen the one there labeled "The SNASA"? Wow, you're an astronaut? Shh! I'm actually in a top secret government space program called Secret NASA or SNASA.
Wow, SNASA.
Mm-mm.
Do you go to the Moon and stuff? Well, not the Moon you're familiar with, though I have been to the Smoon.
Wow, the Smoon.
If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you, but I'm sorry, you're a smoron.
So, what happens next? Well Come on, Barney, you just You just got out of an honest to God relationship.
(sighs) You're a real boy now.
You can't go back to these cheap tricks.
Cheap tricks?! Not one of these is a cheap trick.
Except for "The Cheap Trick."
I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.
And even that one involves expensive hair extensions.
Now, if you don't mind, I am off to prepare for tonight's main event.
I will be performing "The He's Not Coming." Glad you asked.
BARNEY: To perform "The He's Not Coming," here's what you'll need: The observation deck of the Empire State Building.
Are you there? Good.
For generations, this has been the spot New Yorkers have chosen for their romantic reunions with long-estranged lovers, so all you have to do is walk up to every girl you see and say "He's not coming." What are you talking about? Never mind.
He's not coming.
He's not coming... She's not coming? Sorry.
Until sooner or later (sighs) He's not coming.
He's not? But we agreed.
We always said we'd meet here.
On this night.
(gasps) (sobbing): I'm such a fool.
Shh, shh, shh All right, I'm going to go get the paper.
More like, go get a husband.
Totally.
Okay, you guys need to stop that, seriously.
The last thing I am looking for right now is a relationship.
Uh-huh.
When you pick up that newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements.
(singsongy): For yours.
MARSHALL: Robin, it's like this.
Do you have any idea how many times in my life I've gone to t freezer looking for frozen waffles and not found them? Thousands? Millions.
But when I go to the freezer looking for a Popsicle-- or the remote control because Lily and I are having a fight and she's hidden it there-- you know what I find? Frozen waffles.
That's how it works.
You go out there looking for a paper, you're coming back with frozen waffles.
And, in this case, frozen waffles is a guy.
Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles.
Guys, code red! Emergency.
Lock down.
Nobody's leaving.
Whoa, what happened? I tried "The He's Not Coming," and it worked.
Gangbusters.
You should have seen this girl.
Bang, ping, pa-dowga-donk.
Okay, I'm leaving.
So, we get up to my place, and I go into my room to set up the camera-- to light the candles-- and when I come out, she's gone, and so is The Playbook! I think we all know who is responsible for this.
Yeah, we do.
Yeah.
Al-Qaeda.
No, you idiot.
It was me.
You son of a bitch.
Wow, you stole The Playbook? So, the girl on the Empire State Building?
A friend of mine-- an actress.
An actress.
Of course.
That explains her impeccable diction and her sluttiness.
Barney, I've got half a mind to take that playbook and put it up on the internet for the whole world to see.
You wouldn't.
I won't, as long as you agree to no more scams, no more cons, no more hustles, no more hoodwinks, no more gambits, no more stratagems and no more bamboozles.
I notice you left out flimflams.
No more flimflams! Damn it.
Oh, my God.
I-I'm sorry to interrupt, but look at this.
No.
I got left at the altar.
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
I wonder if that would work.
That's not even the worst one in here.
Have you guys seen, uh, "My Penis Grants Wishes"? Really? A genie comes out of it? Only if you rub it hard enough.
So, then, what happened? It says here he breaks into song, and then the furniture comes to life and dances with him.
It's not very well thought out.
It's no "Mrs. Stinsfire. "
No, what happened in real life? Well, a few hours later (banging on door) You know, I heard it was gonna rain.
If anyone's interested, I will be at MacLaren's Pub performing a play out of The Playbook entitled "The Scuba diver" That is all.
Okay, that's it.
I'm putting The Playbook up on the Internet.
Baby, can you put The Playbook up on the Internet? Yeah.
Of course, baby, but here's the here's the weird thing.
I have literally been through this book cover to cover.
There is no play in here called "The Scuba Diver."
BARNEY: Oh. So, now you guys want to know what "The Scuba Diver" is.
Well, it was on the last page of The Playbook, but I ripped it out just in case.
Don't worry, though, You're about to see it in action.
See the blond over there by the bar? Tizzarget acquizzired.
Barney, don't do this.
You're so Ah, give it a rest, pest.
If anyone should be mad, it should be Rob.
She loves The Playbook.
I don't love The Playbook.
What are you talk? The Playbook-- it's gold.
You got to admit it's pretty spectacular.
Look, Barney, we just broke up.
I mean, yes, the costumes are cute, but we just broke up.
Well, I didn't I didn't know you felt that way.
I guess I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I Oh, crap, she's looking over he.
Quick, everyone, scatter.
That's it.
Hi.
You see at guy over there in the scuba suit? And that brings us to rig now.
Wow.
But wait.
So, why is he wearing scuba gear? We don't know.
And it's killing us, Claire.
It's killing us! Let's go ask him.
So, what's "The Scuba Diver"? And this Claire, by the way.
Hello, Claire.
My name is Lieutenant Frank Lyman.
I train bomb sniffing dolphins for the Balt You know what? I'm I can't I can't I can't do this.
Robin I'm so sorry.
I guess this breakup's been tougher on me than I thought.
I think this playbook was just a way to take my mind It's okay.
It's been tough on me, too.
I mean, look at me.
I've sworn off relationships.
She's so about to get married.
I got to work on my toast.
I got to make sure my tux fits.
I will bang your heads together like coconuts.
LILY: Barney, I'm so glad you're stopping this.
And-and, frankly, the real Barney is way cooler than any of the fake Barney's in this any book.
Oh, is that right? Claire, you've probably heard a lot about the real Barney tonight.
Want to grab a cup of coffee? Claire, before you turn him down, I-I think you should know that under this neoprene suit with what appears to be a tube sock stuffed in the crotch.
Can of Pringles, but go on.
is an amazing guy.
He's fun and one of my best friends.
And he landed this hottie.
He's a good guy.
Come on, Claire, go out with him.
MARSHALL: It's just a cup of coffee, right? Right? Come on.
ROBIN: Yeah.
LILY: Can't hurt.
All right, all right.
Let's t some coffee.
NARRATOR: And by the end of the night I'm prd of that guy.
To be that vulnerable takes a lot of Prings.
(cell phone chiming) Ooh.
I got a text from Barney.
Oh.
"Look under the table."
Oh.
It's a page from The Playbook.
What does it say?
It's "The Scuba Diver."
BARNEY: Step One: tell a meddlesome female friend about The Playbook.
Step Two: run play on one of her coworkers, making her so angry that she steals the Playbook.
Step Three: Put on a scuba suit and tell her you're going to do one more scam called "The Scuba Diver" on the hot girl standing by the bar.
Your friend-- let's call her Lily-- goes and talks to the girl and tells her everything about The Playbook.
Now, here's where it gets tricky.
When Lily and the girl ask at "The Scuba Diver" is, tell them about your deep-seated insecurities which don't really exist because-- let's face it-- you're awesome.
Feeling bad for you, Lily talks you up to the girl, who then agrees to go get coffee with you.
And it. is. on.
You son of a bitch.
I'll give you a call.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Uh, for those of you keeping score, "The Ted Mosby" works.
Shh.
Robin, here we go.
Say you don't want a relationship.
Well, the love of your life is about to walk through the door, and it's that guy.
Yeah, I'm not falling in love with that guy.
Right, right, right, because it's going to be that guy.
Mmm, I don't know.
The blue blazer's just, like, not doing it for me, so Yeah, yeah.
You're right, 'cause here he comes.
It's that guy! Oh, Robin.
You should at least give her a chance.
You know, make out with h a little, see if there's something there.
Okay, I'm going to work.
Yeah, you are.
No, i'm actually going to work.
Uh-huh.
Go, work it.
Mm-hmm.
NARRATOR: And the ironic part was Hi.
Are you Robin? Yeah.
I'm Don, your new co-host.
That was the day she met Don.
Damn it, Marshall.