The Peddler: A Half-Assed Translation

Ladies and men, may I have your attention
Do you have a yen for amazing deals?
I've got a bike, at a price you'll like
Please provide your own handlebars and wheels

Plastic mustaches, my grandmother's ashes
A cute and cuddly teddy bear, filled with knives!
Onion scented cologne for men
If your wives take offense, you can buy new wives

Tainted nighties, finger traps (snap!)
Christ almighty, look at this crap!

Hey, I can tell you're a thrifty consumer
And I've got some bargains you can't ignore
Don't be fickle, they must go quickly
Because they were nicked from a Target store

I've got a crate full of horse porn and vodka
Twelve left gloves, and half a hula hoop
Candy bars made of twigs and tar
Here's an authentic jar of Pushkin's poop!

Bolex watches, painted gold
Summer sausage, twenty years old

(Solo)

Bootleg Simpsons DVDs
Cotton candy, covered with bees

Hey, look at this! A Nintendo Genesis!
The console's busted, but the gun still works! (Bang!)
I've got smokes and booze! A bucket full of shoes!