The Musketeer Sketch

[BENJY STONE, spoken]
Sy, tell King your other idea!

[SY BENSON, spoken]
What other idea?

[BENJY, spoken]
The idea for the other sketch for Swann. The one you were
telling me! I was on the floor.

[SY, spoken]
Oh, that idea...

[KING KAISER, spoken]
You holding out on me, Sy?

[SY, spoken]
It was just something I was kickin' around!

[BENJY, spoken]
He's being modest! It's a scream!

[KING, spoken]
Well?

[SY, spoken]
Well?

[KING, spoken]
Let's have it!

[SY, spoken]
Let's have it?

[KING, spoken]
Let's have it!

[SY, spoken]
He wants it.

[BENJY, spoken]
He wants it!

[LEO SILVER, ALICE MILLER, K.C. DOWNING & HERB LEE, spoken]
He wants it!

[SY, spoken]
He wants it!

[KING, spoken]
He wants it!!

[BENJY, spoken]
So, let's give it to him!

[sung]
It's heroic

[SY, spoken]
Right!

[BENJY, spoken]
Like one of Swann's movies!

[sung]
It's the story of the Three Musketeers

[SY, spoken]
Yeah!

[BENJY]
And it starts in a tavern
Somewhere in Paris
Where they're doing the can-can

[SY]
La la, la la la la la la, la

[BENJY]
And listening to very old
Maurice Chevalier records
And all the musketeers are singing
A drinking song

[SY]
Drink, drink
We drink, drink, drink, drink

[SY, BENJY, ALICE & HERB]
Drink, drink
We drink, drink, drink, drink

[KING, spoken]
Okay, I got a handle on this. I'm the toughest musketeer. And
I got a big sword, and one of those big Hedda Hopper hats. Hats
are funny. So, I enter this tavern, big laugh, and I walk up to this very old innkeeper, and I say something funny, something incredibly funny! So, what is it, Sy?

[SY, spoken]
Uhh... It's funny, alright. It's, it's really, really funny. And it's funny, uh, because... because...

[BENJY, spoken]
Because it's in French!

[KING, spoken]
Yeah!
[unintelligible fake French]

[ALICE, SY & HERB]
La, la, la la la la la

[BENJY, spoken]
Suddenly, the spotlight finds the beautiful yet incognito Countess de Rhinestone.

[ALICE]
I am the Countess de Rhinestone
I sing, ahhh!
I dance
I pass out [hiccup]
Cherry tarts
I am the Countess de Rheenshtern
See those noble boys in frilly shirts
Ooh, I love to love them 'til it hurts
Hear them call to me

[BENJY, spoken]
Hey, tart!

[ALICE, spoken]
Comin' up!

[sung]
I am the Countess de Rhinestone
Okay!

[KING, spoken]
I am taken by this earthy beauty. Ah, my little lamb chop. You're the best looking thing in this joint, after me.

[BENJY, spoken]
And the Countess is attracted to his plumed hat.

[ALICE, spoken]
It's just I've never seen feathers on a ham before.

[BENJY, spoken]
They dance.

[KING, spoken]
I love you!

[ALICE, spoken]
That's nice.

[BENJY, spoken]
Suddenly, the Countess de Rhinestone's faithful but barefoot
gypsy servant girl arrives with dire news.

[SY]
I have dire news

[ALICE]
What is this dire news?

[SY]
It's very dire

[ALICE & KING]
Yes

[SY]
I mean, seriously dire

[ALICE, KING, HERB & LEO]
Yes, yes

[KING, spoken]
Enough, silly servant person. Make with the dire news already.

[SY, spoken]
Uh...

[BENJY, spoken]
Wait! Don't tell me. Princess Veronica has been cruelly abducted by the evil Baron de Roquefort?

[SY, spoken]
Yes!

[KING, spoken]
The Princess abducted? Yes, it smells like Roquefort! To the
Princess.

[BENJY, spoken]
Meanwhile, in the dark and draughty tower...

[K.C., spoken]
Benjy!

[BENJY]
Everyday, the princess comes to her window
And sings a song

[K.C., spoken]
I can't sing.

[HERB, spoken]
What does she mean?

[KING, spoken]
Oh, god.

[BENJY]
She tells a joke

[K.C., spoken]
I don't know any jokes, Benjy.

[HERB, spoken]
She doesn't know any jokes?

[BENJY]
She... gives... a sigh?

[K.C.]
Ahhh!

[BENJY, spoken]
Beautiful! Suddenly, our hero is confronted by the villains: Baron de Roquefort, a mute, who has lost his tongue in battle, and his slovenly henchman, Claude de Scungilli.

[HERB, spoken]
Yeah!

[BENJY, spoken]
A man with one arm,

[HERB, spoken]
Yeah!

[BENJY, spoken]
One eye,

[HERB, spoken]
Uh huh.

[BENJY, spoken]
A hunchback,

[HERB, spoken]
Oh!

[BENJY, spoken]
And one leg.

[HERB, spoken]
Yeah!

[KING, spoken]
En garde! We're doomed!

[BENJY, spoken]
Hold the doom, for hark! There's someone at the door!

[SY, spoken]
Who?

[BENJY, spoken]
Swann!

[sung]
I am brave and true
And my horse is, too
I'm ze musketeer
With ze flashing steel
And ze sex appeal
Of ze musketeer

[spoken]
Fear not, princess, for I am here! En grade!

[ALICE, spoken]
Ooh! Eugh...

[KING]
The king becomes a winner

[ALICE & HERB]
The villain sheds a tear

[SY]
And the sketch is done

[ALL]
And the battle's won
By a musketeer

[SY]
Drink!

[ALL]
We drink, drink, drink, drink
Musketeer!