(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

[VELMA, spoken]
Front step, cha-cha-cha
Back step, cha-cha-cha
Side step, front step
Back, and turn

[TRACY, spoken]
Oh my God, Penny, there's Link
Link!
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!

[PENNY, spoken]
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!

[VELMA, spoken]
Front step, cha-cha-cha
Back step, cha-cha-cha
Side step, front step
Back, and tu-

Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew!
Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since crowned Miss-

[AMBER, spoken]
Oh Mother, not more ancient history!

[VELMA]
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
These girls must be blind or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore
Crabs

Amber!
That move is far too dirty!

[AMBER]
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930

[VELMA]
You can laugh, but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that!
Remember
Mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore
Crabs

[AMBER]
These steps are perfect ammunition

[VELMA]
Let me show you how your Mommy dear took out the competition
Girls, go get 'em
Boys, let's rumba
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!

(spoken)
Boys, put me down
Oh, good morning ladies
Let's see what you got

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, mambo

[VELMA]
Ready?
Begin

On my show, you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind

[AMBER]
What's that?
A dance for fleas and ticks?

[VELMA]
Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!

Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting Aida and preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore
Crabs!

[Instrumental Break]

[VELMA]
Proceed

[TAMMY]
Are you scared we're on live?

[TRACY]
No, I'm sure I can cope

[AMBER]
Well, this show isn't broadcast in-

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Cinemascope!

[VELMA]
I never drank one chocolate malt-
No desserts for Miss Baltimore
Crabs

[AMBER]
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes

[VELMA]
Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date 'til Daddy buys her a new nose

I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs

[AMBER]
Do you dance like you dress?

[LINK]
Amber, there's no need to be cruel

[VELMA]
Would you swim in an integrated pool?

[TRACY]
I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier!

[VELMA]
Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?

First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out!
With your form and your face, oh, but it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss
Baltimore Crabs!

Eh, you may go

[TRACY]
Um, thank you?

[PENNY]
I think they secretly liked you!

[LITTLE INEZ, spoken]
May I please audition?

[VELMA, spoken]
Ha ha ha, of course not!

But you may bow and exalt
(sung)
Cause I am Miss Baltimore
Crabs!

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Crabs, crabs, crabs!