The Housewive’s Trial (Live at Wapping Wall, London 1986)

Your honour, I'm only a poor housewife
and the one great joy in my boring life is to get my laundry white and clean, the light of my life is my washing machine

So this morning I had a terrible shock
'cos the dirt said hot but the label said not
With the stains on his undies and the dirt on his vest
they'll never pass the windows test
It really did come as a terrible fright,
I'll never get them bluey white
My powder's so crap that I'm sure it won't shift those stubborn stains that ordinary non-biological washing powders don't

Then, all of a sudden to alay my fears, a man in a long white coat appeared
He said, "It's new, it's improved, it's the best you can by, it's bloody amazing why not give it a try?"
Then more appeared and very soon washing powder salesmen filled up the room
But under all that pressure my patience snapped
and in the soap powder advert,
The housewife strikes back

I attacked them all with piano wire
put their heads in the machine and their bodies in the dryer
I grabbed them by the willies and pulled them through the mangle
I spun them and rung em until they were strangled
then I washed them and rinsed them a couple more times
and hung them up by the bollocks from the washing line
I took them down and shook em, to get rid of their crinkles
Put them down on the iron board and ironed out their wrinkles
I didn't mean to kill them, it was out of frustration, I was sick of being subjected to their patronisation
So I stand accused your honour of this terrible offence
and the one thing I can say is
it was in self-defence.