The Heartburn Song (Everything Gives Me Heartburn)

[Verse 1]
Eat a muffin for breakfast
Chicken at lunch
No matter how little
Or matter how much
I don't know how to help myself
I feel like I'm in fucking hell
So what can I do to stop this??

[Chorus]
Everything gives me heartburn
And I don't know what to do
Everything gives me heartburn
Please help me make it through
Everything gives me heartburn
At work, at home, or at school
Everything gives me heartburn
And I don't feel cool

[Verse 2]
Drink a little lemonade at snack time
Some water between my meals
The trauma this has caused me
Will never fucking heal
I'm so tired of this heartburn
Pray it never happens to you
(I'd take a cyanide pill but I'm scared it will give me heartburn too!)

Even while I'm chewing fucking gum
I've already taken twenty tums
So what can I do to stop this??
(Could I eat vegetables? NAH)

[Chorus]
Everything gives me heartburn
And I don't know what to do
Everything gives me heartburn
Please help me make it through
Everything gives me heartburn
At work, at home, or at school
Everything gives me heartburn
And I don't feel cool

[Bridge]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
IF YOU SUFFER ACID REFLUX IN YOUR STOMACH
AND IT CAUSES YOU HOURS UPON HOURS OF THE PAINS OF HEARTBURN
THEN SING IT WITH ME

Everything gives me heartburn
(Woa-oh-oh!)
Everything gives me heartburn
(Woa-oh no!)
Everything gives me heartburn
(Woa-oh-oh!) Louder
Everything gives me heartburn
(Woa-oh no!) Let's fucking go!

[Chorus]
Everything gives me heartburn
And I don't know what to do
Everything gives me heartburn
Please help me make it through
Everything gives me heartburn
At work, at home, or at school
Everything gives me heartburn
And I don't feel cool! No

[Outro]
Everything gives me heartburn, yeah (Woa-oh-oh!)
Everything gives me heartburn, yeah (Woa-oh no!)
Everything gives me heartburn, yeah (Woa-oh-oh!)
Everything gives me heartburn