The Grand Canal

[GUIDO]
Contini submits that the flops aren't hits
Because no one is willing to film a romantic spectacular
That'll use the vernacular

And he says furthermore
That the present's a bore
But historically speaking, more interesting subjects are myriad
In a period
Period!

Contini contends that the past
Makes the present look dull and half-assed
Let other directors investigate sectors of image and meaning
Once commonly thought of as current
'Cause they aren't and weren't

Contini suggests that today's not the best
But that yesterday's better
And longer ago is still betterer
Et cetera, et cetera

And now I have found the right location
That perfectly suits this new creation
A picture so broad and serpentining
That it will contain a world of meaning

And
It's already here in front of my nose
This is the answer to what I propose
Venice by day
Venice by night
Right where I am is terrifically right

Everybody on the set for a rehearsal with lights!

(The curtain opens to reveal the SPA PEOPLE as GUIDO's Venetian Company. LUISA sits watching; GUIDO throws her a kiss.)

[GUIDO AND SPA PEOPLE]
This is the grand canal
(La la la la la la)
Its resemblance to life is not obscure
It is filled with the milk of human kindness
In spite of the fact
It's really a sewer

But don't let that spoil your morale
It's a grand canal!

[GUIDO]
This is a gondolier

[SPA PEOPLE]
This is a gondolier

[GUIDO]
Seeking love is the center of his life
But he never will go as far as wedlock
That would really annoy
His present wife

He strums his plaintive pastorale

[ALL]
On the grand canal

Look at the people in the square
Look at the steeple in the air
Can you deny that it's a stunning view?

Faces are brimming with delight
Children are swimming late at night
Why don't you try that? It is fun
And who can it harm
To feel its charm?

(GUIDO & GERMANS and OTHERS together:)

[GUIDO & GERMANS]
I love it!
I love it!
I love it I do
On the grand canal

I love it
I love it
I'm happy with you on the grand canal

On the grand canal

[OTHERS]
Row me, row me
Down the grand canal
Row me with my gal
Row me, row me
Down the grand canal
Be my bosom pal
Grand canal

[GUIDO]
And this is a courtesan

[SPA PEOPLE]
She is a courtesan

[GUIDO]
It's a shame people think that she's a leech
True, she once in a while
Destroys a marriage
But other than that
She's really a peach

[ALL]
Sweet as the sweetest madrigal
On the grand canal!

(SPA LADY enters, in boudoir costume.)

[OUR LADY OF THE SPA]
Every girl in Venice is in love with Casanova
Every girl has kissed him once or twice
Every girl in Venice is in love with Casanova
As long as Casanova pays her price

(Other SPA LADIES begin joining her, as they enter in their boudoir costumes.)

[SPA LADIES]
Every girl in Venice is expecting Casanova
Every girl is combing out her hair
Counting every minute til they see their Casanova
And staring out their windows everywhere

Every girl in Venice wants to hear from Casanova
She will be the only girl for him
Every girl is grinning ear to ear for Casanova
And waiting to attend his every whim...

(LITTLE BOYS enter as pages, flanking LA FLEUR, dressed in CLAUDIA's abandoned costume, MAMA MADDELENA, and CLAUDIA. GUIDO enters.)

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
I, Casanova
Have come to Venice

(indicating CLAUDIA)

With my dear wife, Beatrice
Mi amore
Here
To take a rest, enjoy the waters and the food
And be with her
The apple of my
Cuore

[MAMA MADDELENA - MARIA]
(as "CARLA")
Casanova!

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
Maria! What are you doing here?

[MADDELENA - MARIA]
I'm staying at the Hosteleria Caldissima
Numero venti venti
Drop by tonight at ten o'clock
I'll give you plenty!

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
I can't believe how my good fortune still does serve me
So much romance at hand, I really don't deserve me

(GUIDO sings with BOUDOIR LADIES.)

Amor
I love them all, every beauty
Short or tall, there's a duty
To make love to each and all

Amor
It's my profound obligation
To go round every nation
And make love to one and all

Yes, I have lived and breathed and slept
Amor
I freely give and do accept
Amor

Big amor
Small amor
All my life has been amor

I've always known what I am living for
Amor!

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
But alas, I am distressed by all this beauty fine
If I must choose just one
Concubine

(LADIES scream "Me! Me!")

Please, please, please, one at a time!

(Everyone leaves to change for the next scene

GUIDO runs into place for the new scene with CLAUDIA, MADDELENA and LA FLEUR. BOUDOIR NUNS enter. GUIDO "shoots himself" as with a gun, collapses.)

[CLAUDIA - BEATRICE]
Casanova
You must relax
You will exhaust yourself and soon become too stanco

Look
I have prepared a picnic basket
Prosciutto
Olives
And of course, your favorite, vino
Bianco

(LUISA stares in horror.)

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
Beatrice...
Beatrice...

Only you will I ever see
Forever will you be my true love
I'll forswear all others for thee
No, never will I have a new love

No new love
No new love
And you will be my true love

[GUIDO - CASANOVA and CLAUDIA - BEATRICE]
No new love
No new love
And you will be my true love

[BOUDOIR NUNS]
Casanova takes a vow
Telling Beatrice now
There will never be another woman in his life but her
Now until forevermore

[MADDELENA - MARIA]
(repeating CARLA's "Vatican" moves)
Casanova, I'm still waiting for you!

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
Maria!

[BOUDOIR NUNS]
Evermore

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
(to MARIA)
Only you can stir in my breast
The fire of an endless passion
Late tonight, I'll be in your bed
Expect me in the usual fashion

Our fashion
Our fashion
Ah, fire of an endless passion

[GUIDO - CASANOVA and MADDELENA - MARIA]
Our fashion
Our fashion
Ah, fire of an endless passion

(They proceed to make love in a farce of GUIDO - CARLA acrobatics, ending in wrist-wrestling on the floor.)

[BOUDOIR NUNS]
Casanova breaks a vow
Where is Beatrice now?
There was not to be another woman in his life but her
Now until forevermore
Evermore

(They exit.)

[LA FLEUR]
Casanova!

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
Claudietta!

(He goes to her. CLAUDIA, hearing her name, turns to watch. Note that LUISA and CARLA have observed the last "scene", a mockery of their relationship with GUIDO.)

[GUIDO - CASANOVA]
Only you bring out from my soul
The poetry that I have written
Not one line would I have composed
If I had not by you been smitten

[GLAUDIA]
(angry at seeing the farce)
Guido...!

[LUISA]
(totally humiliated, has seen enough)
Guido...

No...!

(CLAUDIA, MADDELENA, and LA FLEUR exit. GUIDO and LUISA begin to fight over harsh tarantella music: "You've made a joke of my love!" "Luisa, it's only a farce!" "MY LIFE IS NOT A FARCE!"

SPA PEOPLE begin to end for the film's finale

The argument continues: "Luisa, you're taking this too seriously." "Ma hai tradito il nostro amore!" "Luisa, listen to me! As an artist I have to use everything in my life! Everything!" "Basta! Va' a lavoro. Va' all'inferno. Go to hell!"

LUISA runs from him. GUIDO, about to rush after her, cannot because the finale is beginning and he must join in. LUISA sobs in a corner. CALRA stares aghast from another corner. GUIDO tries to act as if all is well.)

[GUIDO]
(as the SPA PEOPLE sing in the background: "Row me, row me, down the grand canal..." "Its resemblance to life is not obscure...")
This is the grand canal

I love it! I love it!
I'm happy with you
On the grand canal

It is filled with the milk of human kindness
In spite of the fact
It's really a sewer

But don't let that spoil your morale
It's a grand
Canal!

CUT! PRINT!