The Devil’s Law Case ACT 2. SCENE 1 .

The action takes place at Naples

Enter Crispiano ( in disguise) and Sanitonella

Crispiano:
Am I well habited?

Sanitonella:
Exceeding well. Any man would take you for a merchant.
But pray sir, resolve me what should be the reason, that
you being one of the most eminent civil lawyers in Spain,
and but newly arriv'd from the East Indies, should take
this habit of a merchant upon you?

Crispiano:
Why my son lives here in Naples, and in's riot
Doth far exceed the exhibition I allow'd him.

Sanitonella:
So then, and in this disguise you mean to trace him?

Crispiano:
Partly for that, but there is other business
Of greater consequence.

Sanitonella:
Faith, for his expense, 'tis nothing to your estate.
What, to Don Crispiano, the famous Corregidor
of Seville, who by his mere practice of the law,
in less time than half a Jubilee, hath gotten thirty
thousand ducats a year!

Crispiano:
Well, I will give him line,
Let him run on in's course of spending.

Sanitonella:
Freely?

Crispiano:
Freely.
For I protest, if that I could conceive
My son would take more pleasure or content,
By any course of riot, in the expense,
Than I took joy, nay soul's felicity,
In the getting of it, should all the wealth I have
Waste to as small an atomy as flies
I'th' sun, I do protest on that condition,
It should not move me.

Sanitonella:
How's this? Cannot he take more pleasure
in spending it riotously than you have done by
scraping it together? O ten thousand times more,
and I make no question, five hundred young gallants
will be of my opinion.
Why all the time of your collectionship,
Has been a perpetual calendar. Begin first
With your melancholy study of the law
Before you came to finger the ruddocks; after that,
The tiring importunity of clients,
To rise so early, and sit up so late,
You made yourself half ready in a dream,
And never pray'd but in your sleep. Can I think
That you have half your lungs left with crying out
For judgements, and days of trial? Remember sir,
How often have I borne you on my shoulder,
Among a shoal or swarm of reeking night-caps,
When that your worship has bepiss'd yourself,
Either with vehemency or argument,
Or being out from the matter. I am merry.

Crispiano:
Be so.

Sanitonella:
You could not eat like a gentleman, at leissure;
But swallow'd it like flap-dragons, as if you liv'd
With chewing the cud after.

Crispiano:
No pleasure in the world was comparable to't.

Sanitonella:
Possible?

Crispiano:
He shall never taste the like,
Unless he study law.

Sanitonella:
What, not in wenching, sir?
'Tis a court game believe it, as familiar
As gleek, or any other.

Crispiano:
Wenching? O fie, the disease follows it:
Beside, can the fing'ring taffetas, or lawns,
Or a painted hand, or a breast, be like the pleasure
In taking clients' fees, and piling them
In several goodly rows before my desk?
An according to the bigness of each heap,
Which I took by a leer (for lawyers do not tell them)
I vail'd my cap, and withal gave great hope
The cause should go on their sides.

Sanitonella:
What think you then
Of a good cry of hounds? I has been known
Dogs have hunted lordships to a fault.

Crispiano:
Cry of curs?
The noise of clients at my chamber door
Was sweeter music far, in my conceit,
Than all the hunting in Europe.

Sanitonella:
Pray stay sir,
Say he should spend it in good housekeeping?

Crispiano:
Aye, marry sir, to have him keep a good house,
And not sell't away; I'd find no fault with that:
But his kitchen, I'd have no bigger than a sawpit;
For the smallness of a kitchen, without question,
Makes many noblemen in France and Spain
Build the rest of the house the bigger.

Sanitonella:
Yes, mock-beggars.

Crispiano:
Some sevenscore chimneys,
But half of them have no tunnels.

Sanitonella:
A pox upon them, cuckshaws, that beget
Such monsters without fundaments.

Crispiano:
Come, come, leave citing other vanities;
For neither wine, nor lust, nor riotous feasts,
Rich clothes, nor all the pleasure that the devil
Has ever practis'd with, to raise a man
To a devil's likeness, e'er brought man that pleasure
I took in getting my wealth: so I conclude.
If he can outvie me, let it fly to th' devil.
Yon's my son, what company keeps he?

Enter Romelio, Julio, Ariosto, and Baptista Sanitonella

The gentleman he talks with, is Romelio
The merchant.

Crispiano:
I never saw him till now.
A has a brave sprightly look; I knew his father,
And sojourn'd in his house two years together,
Before this young man's birth. I have news to tell him
Of certain losses happened him at sea,
That will not please him.

Sanitonella:
What's that dapper fellow
In the long stocking? I do think 'twas he
Came to your lodging this morning.

Crispiano:
'Tis the same.
There he stands, but a little piece of flesh,
But he is the very miracle of a lawyer,
One that persuades men to peace and compounds quarrels,
Among his neighbours, without going to law.

Sanitonella:
And is he a lawyer?

Crispiano:
Yes, and will give counsel
In honest causes gratis, never in his life
Took fee, but he came a spake for't, is a man
Of extreme practice, and yet all his longing
Is to become a judge.

Sanitonella:
Indeed, tha's a rare longing with men of
his profession. I think he'll prove the miracle
of a lawyer indeed.

Romelio:
Here's the man brought word your father died i'th' Indies.

Julio:
He died in perfect memory I hope,
And made me his heir,

Crispiano:
Yes sir.

Julio:
He's gone the right way then without question.
Friend, in time of mourning we must not use any
action, that is but accessory to the making men
merry. I do therefore give you nothing for your
good tidings.

Crispiano:
Nor do I look for it sir.

Julio:
Honest fellow, give me thy hand. I do not think but
thou hast carried New Year's gift to th' Court in thy days,
and learned'st there to be so free of thy painstaking.

Romelio:
Here's an old gentleman says he was chamber-fellow
to your father, when they studied the law together
at Barcelona.

Julio:
Do you know him?

Romelio:
Not I, he's newly come to Naples.

Julio:
And what's his business?

Romelio:
A says he's come to read you good counsel.

Crispiano [aside to Ariosto] To him: rate him soundly.

Julio:
And what's your counsel?

Ariosto:
Why, I would have you leave your whoring.

Julio:
He comes hotly upon me at first. Whoring?

Ariosto:
O young quat, incontinence is plagu'd
In all the creatures of the world.

Julio:
When did you ever hear that a cock-sparrow
Had the French pox?

Ariosto:
When did you ever know any of them fat, but
in the nest? Ask all your Cantaride-mongers that question:
remember your self sir.

Julio:
A very fine naturalist, a physician, I take you, by
your round slop; for 'tis just of the bigness, and no more,
of the case for a urinal: 'tis concluded, you are a physician.

ARIOSTO takes off his hat

What do you mean si? Youl'll take cold.

Ariosto:
'Tis concluded, you are a fool, a precious one;
you are a mere stick of sugar candy, a man may look
quite thorough you.

Julio:
You are a very bold gamester. [Julio takes off his hat.]

Ariosto:
I can play at chess, and know how to handle a rook.

Julio:
Pray preserve your velvet from the dust.

Ariosto:
Keep your hat upon the block sir,
'Twill continue fashion the longer.

Julio:
I was never so abus'd with the hat in the hand
In my life.

Ariosto:
I will put on; why look you,
Those lands that were the client's are now become
The lawyer's; and those tenements that were
The country gentleman's, are now grown
To be his tailor's.

Julio:
Tailor's?

Ariosto:
Yes, tailors in France, they grow to great
abominable purchase, and become great officers. How
many ducats think you he has spent within a twelve-month,
besides his father's allowance?

Julio:
Besides my father's allowance? Why gentleman,
do you think an auditor begat me? Would you have
me make even at year's end?

Romelio:
A hundred ducats a month in breaking Venice glasses.

Ariosto:
He learnt that of an English drunkard, and a
knight too, as I take it. This comes of your numerous
wardrobe.

Romelio:
Aye, and wearing cut-work, a pound a purl.

Ariosto:
Your dainty embroidered stockings, with
overblown roses, to hide your gouty ankles.

Romelio:
And wearing more taffeta for a garter, than
would serve The galley dung-boat for streamers.

Ariosto:
Your switching up at the horse-race, with the
Illustrissimni.

Romelio:
And studying a puzzling arithmetic at the cock-pit.

Ariosto:
Shaking your elbow at the Taule-board.

Romelio:
And resorting to your whore in hired velvet,
with a spangled copper fringe at her netherlands.

Ariosto:
Whereas if you had stay'd at Padua, and fed upon
cow-trotters, and fresh beef to supper-

Julio:
How I am baited!

Ariosto:
Nay, be not you so forward with him neither,
for 'tis thought, you'll prove a main part of this undoing.

Julio [aside] I think this fellow is a witch.

Romelio:
Who, I sir?

Ariosto:
You have certain rich city choughs, that when
they have no acres of their own, they will go and plough
up fools, and turn them into excellent meadow; besides
some enclosures for the first cherries in the spring, and
apricots to pleasure a friend at Court with. You have
'pothecaries deal in selling commodities to young
gallants, will put four or five coxcombs into a sieve, and
so drum with them upon their counter; they'll searse them through like Guinea pepper. They cannot endure to find a
man like a pair of tarriers, they would undo him in a trice.

Romelio:
Maybe there are such.

Ariosto:
O terrible exactors, fellows with six hands, and three heads.

Julio:
Aye, those are hell-hounds.

Ariosto:
Take heed of them, they'll rend thee like tenterhooks.
Hark in your ear, there is intelligence upon you.
The report goes, there has been gold convey'd beyond the
sea in hollow anchors. Farewell, you shall know me better,
I will do thee more good, than thou art aware of.

Exit Ariosto

Julio:
He's a mad fellow.

Sanitonella:
He would have made an excellent barber,
he does so curry it with his tongue.

Exit Sanitonella

Crispiano:
Sir, I was directed to you.

Romelio:
From whence?

Crispiano:
From the East Indies.

Romelio:
You are very welcome.

Crispiano:
Please you walk apart,
I shall acquaint you with particulars
Touching your trading i'th' East Indies.

Romelio:
Willingly, pray walk sir.

Exit Crispiano and Romelio. Enter Ercole.

Ercole:
O my right worthy friends, you have stay'd me long:
One health, and then aboard; for all the galleys
Are come about.

Enter Contarino

Contarino:
Signor Ercole,
The wind has stood my friend sir, to prevent
Your putting to sea.

Ercole:
Pray why sir?

Contarino:
Only love sir;
That I might take my leave sir, and withal
Entreat from you a private recommends
To a friend in Malta; 'twould be deliver'd
To your bosom, for I had not time to writw.

Ercole:
Pray leave us gentlemen.
Exit Julio and Baptista

Ercole and Contarino sit down.

Wilt please you sit?

Contarino:
Sir, my love to you has proclaim'd you one,
Whose word was still lead by a noble thought,
And that thought follow'd by as fair a deed:
Deceive not that opinion. We were students
At Padua together, and have long
To'th' worlds's eye shown like friends;
Was it hearty on your part to me?

Ercole:
Unfeigned.

Contarino:
You are false
To the good thought I held of you, and now
Join the worst part of man to you, your malice,
To uphold that falsehood; sacred innocence
Is fled your bosom. Signor, I must tell you,
To draw the picture of unkindness truly,
Is to express two that have dearly lov'd,
And fallen at variance. 'Tis a wonder to me,
Knowing my interest in the fair Jolenta,
That you should love her.

Ercole:
Compare her beauty, and my youth together,
And you will find the fair effects of love
No miracle at all.

Contarino:
Yes, it will prove
Prodigious to you. I must stay your voyage.

Ercole:
Your warrant must be mighty.

Contarino:
'T'as a seal
From heaven to do it, since you would ravish from me
What's there entitl'ed mine: and yet I vow,
By the essential front of spotless virtue,
I have compassion of both our youths:
To approve which, I have not tane the way,
Like an Italian, to cut your throat
By practice, that had given you now for dead,
And never frown'd upon.

Ercole:
You deal fair, sir.

Contarino:
Quit me of one doubt, pray sir.

Ercole:
Move it.

Contarino:
'Tis this.
Whether her brother were a main instrument
In her disign for marriage.

Ercole:
If I tell truth,
You will not credit me.

Contarino:
Why?

Ercole:
I will tell you truth,
Yet show some reason you have not to believe me:
Her brother had no hand in't: is't not hard
For you to credit this? For you may think
I count it baseness to engage another
Into my quarrel; and for that take leave
To dissemble the truth. Sir, If you will fight
With any but myself, fight with her mother,
She was the motive.

Contarino:
I have no enemy
In the world them, but yourself: you must fight
With me.

Ercole:
I will sir.

Contarino:
And instantly.

Ercole:
I will haste before you; point whither.

Contarino:
Why, you speak nobly, and for this fair dealing,
Were the rich jewel which we vary for,
A thing to be divided; by my life,
I would be well content to give you half.
But since 'tis vain to think we can be friends,
'Tis needful one of us be tane away,
From being the other's enemy.

Ercole:
Yet methinks,
This looks not like a quarrel.

Contarino:
Not a quarrel?

Ercole:
You have not apparell'd your fury well,
It goes too plain, like a scholar.

Contarino:
It is an ornament
Makes it more terrible, and you shall find it
A weighty injury, and attended on
By discreett valour. Because I do not strike you,
Or give you the lie - such foul preparatives
Would show like the stale injury of wine -
I reserve my rage to sit on my sword's point,
Which a great quantity of your best blood
Cannot satisfy.

Ercole:
You promise well to yourself.
Shall's have no seconds?

Contarino:
None, for fear of prevention.

Ercole:
The length of our weapons?

Contarino:
We'll fit them by the way.
So whether our time calls us to live or die,
Let us do both like noble gentlemen,
And true Italians.

Ercole:
For that let me embrace you.

Contarino:
Methinks, being an Italian, I trust you
To come somewhat too near me:
But your jealousy gave that embrace to try
If I were arm'd, did it not?

Ercole:
No, believe me,
I take heart to be sufficient proof,
Without a privy coat; and for my part,
A taffeta is all the shirt of mail
I am arm'd with.

Contarino:
You deal equally.

Exit. Enter Julio, and Servant

Julio:
Where are these gallants, the brave Ercole,
And noble Contarino?

Servant:
They are newly gone, sir,
And bade me tell you that they will return
Within this half hour.

Enter Romelio.

Julio:
Met you the Lord Ercole?

ROMELIO:
No, but I met the devil in villainous tidings.

Julio:
Why, what's the matter?

ROMELIO:
O, I am pour'd out
Like water: the greatest rivers i'th' world
Are lost in the sea, and so am I. Pray leave me.
Where's Lord Ercole?

Julio:
You were scarce gone hence,
But in came Contarino.

ROMELIO:
Contarino?

Julio:
And entreated some private conference with Ercole,
And on the sudden they have giv'n's the slip.

ROMELIO:
One mischief never comes alone: they are
Gone to fight.

Julio:
To fight?

ROMELIO:
And you be gentlemen,
Do not talk, but make haste after them.

Julio:
Let's take several ways then,
And if't be possible, for women's sakes,
For they are proper men, use our endeavours,
That the prick do not spoil them.