The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings

[OPERA ORPHANAGE DIRECTOR]
Who is this one-eyed female baby Moses,
With courage in her female baby smile?

[OPERA ORPHANS]
A savior from the stars, or something stranger still?

[OPERA INFANT LEELA]
Or just a lonely, filthy, starving child!

[…]

[OPERA BENDER]
Leela!
Leela, Leela, save him!
Save Fry, save Fry!
Godzilla will devour him,
As for me, I must be off,
To have my doctor check this cough!

[coughing]

Goodbye!

[...]

[OPERA FRY]
To win Leela's heart with the Holophonor's art,
I need hands of transcendental quickness!

[OPERA ROBOT DEVIL]
Well, I don't see any danger
In gambling with a stranger
For my head is of a most amazing thickness!

[THE ROBOT DEVIL]
[growling]

[OPERA ROBOT DEVIL]
I'm stupid, I'm stupid,
I'm stupider than you!
I'm stupider than you in every way!

[THE ROBOT DEVIL, spoken]
“Stupider?!” Bah! This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant! Gah!

[He kicks the actor playing him off stage.]

[THE ROBOT DEVIL, spoken]
Your lyrics lack subtlety! You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!

[FRY, spoken]
Look, what do you want?

[THE ROBOT DEVIL]
I WANT MY HANDS BACK!

[He summons columns of flame, cackling.]

[FRY, spoken]
Never!

[FRY]
A deal's a deal, even with a dirty dealer!

[THE ROBOT DEVIL]
Very well!
Then I'll take what I want from Leela!

[He grabs Leela from the audience.]

[THE ROBOT DEVIL]
Leela has promised me her hand!

[LEELA]
Fry, you do not understand!
I should have revealed I'd been deafened by Bender,
The shame, the shame!
But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendor.
Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender!

He gave me mechanical ears.
Effective, though just a bit garish.
In return, without shedding a tear,
I agreed that I'd give him my hand—

[THE ROBOT DEVIL]
In marriage!

[LEELA, spoken]
What?!

[THE ROBOT DEVIL]
You'll give me your hand in marriage!

[HERMES]
Is this really happening, or just being staged?

[PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH]
It can't be real—

[AMY]
Not if Leela is engaged.

[LEELA]
That isn't what I meant!
That isn't what I signed!

[THE ROBOT DEVIL]
You should have checked the wording in the fine...
...print!

[Leela checks the contract.]

[LEELA, spoken]
I'll give you my hand...

[LEELA & THE ROBOT DEVIL]
...in marriage.

[BENDER]
The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention...
Now that, is, irony!

[THE ROBOT DEVIL]
I will marry her now and confine her to hell,
How droll, how droll!
Where Styx is a river and not just a band,
(Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned.)

UNLESS, FRY, YOU SURRENDER
MY HANDS!

[FRY]
Destiny has cheated me by
Forcing me to decide upon
The woman that I idolize,
Or the hands of an automaton.

Without these hands I can't complete
The opera that was captivating her,
But if I keep them,
And she marries him,
Then he prob'ly won't
Want me dating her...

[RICHARD NIXON, spoken]
Aroo!

[ZAPP BRANNIGAN, spoken]
Bray-vo! Enn-core!

[PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH]
I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving!

[DR. ZOIDBERG]
I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!

[REVEREND LIONEL PREACHERBOT]
By the power vested in me by the State of New New York—

[FRY]
No!
Stop!
Take my hands!

You evil
Metal
DORK!

[The Robot Devil takes his hands back. Fry sobs. Leela covers her eye. The curtain falls.]