The definitive 2020 song

[Verse]
2020 was a dumpster fire, it's finally done
Let me tally up the good things that happened - none
The misery that we endured was pretty much constant
But tragedy plus time equals YouTube content
So switch off your socials, stop checking your emails
And I'll take you through the year in excruciating detail
Spotify might sue me, but please relax
And sit back 'cause this track's 2020 wrapped
January 1st expecting the fresh start, a new year
2020, full of plenty things we're gonna do here
2019 was a bust, fires in the Amazon
Protests in Hong Kong, Boris getting Brexit done
But now I'm looking forward, that's optimism
No optician, but I still got 2020 vision
Olympics up in June, gold medals with the clapping
I got tickets to Coachella which is definitely gonna happen
Admittedly we didn't kick off with the strongest of starts
Australia's ablaze, cuddly koalas charred
Bush burning like Moses, kangaroos to kebab
And Trump's getting impeached because he sucks at his job
Still, at least he hasn't started world war three
"An American drone has killed Soleimani"
It's technically a war crime, but USA
And I'm hearing on the news about this Wuhan place
I'm sure it's nothing, let's not overreact for no reason
Meghan and Harry quit the crown to start a spin-off season
Told the Royal Family shove it, who responded with gasps
And moved away beyond Queen Lizzy's lizardry grasp
It's only been a month, but already it's hella dramatic
And then Kobe and his daughter lose their lives in Calabasas
Helicopter crashes, talent vanishes, tragic
No way is 2020 getting any more traumatic
February, we ain't talkin' 'bout a virus, but a Parasite
Cinematic magic from Korea, the Southern side
Best Picture winner, Biden watched in amazement
Thought, "what a great idea, hiding out in a basement"
Democratic Primaries and Bernie's right up there
And he's once again asking, "Joe, stop sniffing hair"
Yang Gang panic 'cause their man got no delegates
Bloomberg spends his bank balance tryna stay relevant
Kansas City ring-winning, Super Bowl, Miami
J-Lo singing, over 50, still a mami
Shakira sharing spotlights for the half-time songs
Giving dads across America those full-chub schlongs
And on the subject of repugnant men with sexual urges
Harvey Weinstein getting served his just desserts
It's a fitting end, lock him up, discard the key
He's going down, but this time, consensually
Marching on, this month's got me feeling positive
I'm vaguely aware the choice of words seems ominous
Big trouble in China, Olympics postponed
Now to eat my morning bat and check the Dow Jones
If you speak Mandarin your flights are now canceling
All of this caused by someone hankering for pangolin
COVID-19, virus without equal
You'll still get it even if you missed the eighteen prequels
Let's hope it fizzles out just like SARS
No, it got Tom Hanks and other beloved stars
Still, I'm learning new skills, sourdough in the oven
Let's have a catch-up on Zoom, a new app that I'm lovin'
Sweatpants on the couch, AC on the Switch
Tiger King on Netflix, Carole Baskin's a bitch
Sure, quarantine's weird, with its valleys and peaks
But if we just stay home it'll be done in two weeks
Fuck Zoom, fuck sourdough, it's all fucking agony
And fuck Italians singing o their fucking balconies
Have you been to the stores? It's gone full-on Mad Max
No TP, and Karens screaming 'bout wearing masks
It's been a whole month, I bought a gun, when will this shit stop?
I'm sick of watching lip-syncing snippets on TikTok
Now they're canceling sports? I swear on my honour
I'll take a governor hostage, ooh, $1200
I guess I'll stay home another week, glued to the news
Kim Jong-Un's got COVID, and BoJo too
Democrats see fit to pick a senile fella
Who says it's safe for us to vote while he's still in his cellar
I'm doing workouts on YouTube, my floor's the gym
And I learned how to pronounce hydroxychloroquine
But it's all getting too much, I'm having trouble with sleeping
Trump's plan to drink bleach starts to sound quite appealing
We're still banging pans to show support for all the workers
As we're invaded by hornets whose sole purpose is to murder
And when you think the whole year can't get more absurd
911's called on a black man for watching birds
It's a cruel summer coming, bodies stuffed in trucks
An unjust nation about to self-destruct
Inequality rife, racism a scourge
So grab your balaclava, we're doing The Purge
Unemployment off the charts, but they protect the elite
Cops shooting black people down in the streets
Black Lives Matter at the protests proclaimed
George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, say their names
So much anger and division that it's hard to make a joke
But then a small ray of hope from the SpaceX bloke
Something to unite us, we all think the same
Elon Musk's kid has a really dumb name
The protests don't stop, and in Lafayette Square
A photoshoot for Trump with tear gas in the air
I'm no expert on Scripture, but I'll give a recital
"Thou shalt not assault your citizens to pose with The Bible"
Trump learns about Juneteenth, and 'cause he's impulsive
Makes plans for a million fans to rally in Tulsa
MAGA hashtags taken over by the K-Pop stans
In reality, attendance was as small as his hands
The kids are alt-right, they can't trust the fake news
So Proud Boys make noise about Confederate statues
Linking arms around a general, gathered outside
In a polo shouting YOLO for some racist who died
Ghislaine Maxwell was Epstein's pedophile leader
She's arrested, I'm sure she won't kill herself either
Antifa keep themselves busy smashing up shops
No one defunds the police, but they do cancel Cops
So it's six months down, six more to endure
In this first half of a trash year to be sure
I'm not saying it was all bad, all of the time
There was an Office reunion, admittedly, online
John Krasinski had Good News, and for one week we sang
"Happy Birthday" two times through while washing our hands
There was UFO footage, even though it was cloudy
Brad and Jen reunited, we got crushes on Fauci
Looking forward to the second half, we're surely through the worst of it
I hope Wayfair starts including kids with all their purchases
July, I'm gonna get my hair cut by a professional
August, by then, Biden will emerge from his hidey-hole
I hope the stimulus package gets a few more sponsors
I hope Ruth Bader Ginsburg holds on a bit longer
One thing we can be sure of, though so much will change
Elon Musk's kid will still have a really dumb name