The Column

[J.J., spoken]
Kate Thompson and the Williams Brothers;
Packing men at the Persian Room

[MADGE, spoken]
Got it

[J.J., spoken]
Advice to a certain polo-playing-playboy
After the brawl at PJ Clarke’s last night
Learn the difference between men and pigs
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink

[MADGE, spoken]
I know who that is

[J.J., spoken]
Question in Washington:
Will Truman resign before he’s impeached?
Treason is not a pretty picture
Ava Gardener is finding out
That when hubby Frank Sinatra sends her flowers for no reason...
There’s a reason

[MADGE, spoken]
Sinatra?

[J.J., spoken]
Write it down
Write it down

[COMPANY]
Gotta get in The Column
If you’re burned for success
Once you’re in in The Column
This whole fickle world’ll whisper “yes”
Just a name in a column
Down the side of page ten
Get a name in The Column
And it’s never just a name again

Ooh
J.J. tells ya’ who jumps ahead in the game
Ooh
Guess who’s holdin’ the slipp’ry ladder to fame

[SIDNEY]
Gotta get in The Column
Or I’m out of a job
Gotta get into J.J

[SIDNEY & COMPANY]
J.J
J.J

Gotta get in the gossip
Gotta tell whatcha’ know
Gotta get in the gossip
Blow by blow by blow by blow by blow

[SIDNEY]
There are signs rising over Time Square
That say it all

[SIDNEY & COMPANY]
J.J

[SIDNEY]
Flashing his eyes again
This way, that way
This way, that way

[MEN]
He runs a column like a roadshow gangster

[SIDNEY]
But it’s the column
It’s the column you need

[MEN]
Because it happens, he’s a roadshow gangster

[SIDNEY]
Sixty-million people read

[SIDNEY & MEN]
But what sixty-million people don’t know
Is how the whole system works

[SIDNEY & (MEN), spoken]
A press agent works for a client
(Yep)
A press agents likes to eat
(You bet!)
The client says “get me in J.J.”
(J.J.)
The press agent feels the heat
(Ouch!)
J.J. says “what’ll you give me?”
Here’s where you crawl like a bug

[SIDNEY & MEN, spoken]
Just give him dirt
Make it hurt
He gives your client a plug

[MADGE, spoken]
Column needs a finish!

[J.J., spoken]
Sign off for the Pearl of Wisdom
From my favorite source; anonymous
“No hatchet ever got buried deep enough”

[COMPANY]
And the presses are rollin’

[MEN]
Crankin’ out the early edition

[COMPANY]
The presses are rollin’

[WOMEN]
Not enough to wake the feds

[COMPANY]
And the city is open
Waitin’ for the early edition

[SIDNEY]
Holdin’ your breath ‘til the time ticks by
Preachin’ a prayer to the skyline sky
Waitin’ to see if I live or die!

[COMPANY, spoken]
I’m in! (Say it!)
I’m out! (Christ!)
I’m in! (Out!)
Christ! (I’m out!)
I’m in! (I’m out!)
I’m in! (Say it!)

[SIDNEY, spoken]
Damn!

[COMPANY & (SIDNEY + CERTAIN MEN)]
Gotta get in the column
If you’re burned for success
(He runs it all)
Gotta get into J.J. (J.J.)
(Rising high)
Gotta get in the column
(Rising over the top)
Bring the chase to a slow

[SIDNEY]
He runs it all

[COMPANY]
Gotta get into J.J. (J.J., J.J.)
On and on and on it goes
On and on and on it goes

[SIDNEY & COMPANY]
On and on it goes