The Chumra Song

I'm so frum...

I never shave, not even with a trimmer
I keep the Three Weeks ah gantzeh zimmer
I bring a mezuzah wherever I travel
I tie knots in my tzitzis so it doesn't unravel
I am so frum, that everyone is jealous
I say lashon hara all day, lito'eles
I switched tuna bagels for cream cheese and lox
When I see a car on Shabbos, I throw at it rocks
If a lady is driving I never yield
When the Rebbe throws apples I play left field,
I don't learn gemara 'cuz goyim lived in Bavel
I cover all my mirrors just in case I'm an avel

CHORUS
I didn't look in a thesaurus
So I have no words to put in the chorus
I'll just tell you more 'bout what a tzaddik I am
All of the mitzvos that I'm mekayem

When I go to the mikvah I turn off the heater
I don't even know who is Derek Jeter
And when I go to the mikvah, to make sure it cleanses
I pull out my teeth and take out my lenses
If my wife boils water that's not Badatz
I make her buy a new set of pots
I don't put chrein on fish, of any species
'Cuz I'm choishesh for bishul, even from kli shlishis
If I see a sheretz I would never touch him
'Cuz when mashiach comes I'll have to eat kodshim
Between fish and meat I drink a bottle of bourbon
I knocked down my whole house, zecher l'churban

CHORUS
As you can tell, I'm Hassidic
So I don't know how to write a lyric
So I'll just sing, and you'll get a rush of
Respect for me, 'cuz I'm so chashuv

I stole a diamond ring from my Tante Bailah
Just to be mekayem "Vehaishiv es hag'zailah"
I eat chulent yeder murgen, mitt-tug, un nacht
I walk in the ga'as with my oigen farmacht,
I teach my kids that ham is mee'yis
I don't Mish on Paiysach, or Sikkis, or Shvee'is
Pesach Sheini I use a new set of keilim
I don't play chess, 'cuz the king has a tzeilim
I don't eat marror, 'cuz I'm choishesh for bugs
When I see my bubby I don't give her hugs
My shiur for matzah is fifty k'beitzim
I sit down everywhere, that's not a moishav leitzim

CHORUS
There's a goy named Boris, but I don't know him
So he didn't write for me a poem
Instead I got help from a yid named Baruch
To write my own chelek of Shulchan Aruch

When my wife buys a sheitel I pour on it bleach
On the maps in my house I cross out the beach
I daven shiminessra for at least an hour
I wear my koppel when I take a shower
I beat up my kid if he's not the best in his kittah
Everything I do, I do it b'shittah
By Reishis Hagez I give more than reishis
By Aishes Chayil I don't say "Aishes"
In the sukkah I make sure to keep my toes in
By the Kosel I rip everyone's hoizen
L'chumrah, I made all my kids become gayrim
Every day I put like ten people in cheirim

CHORUS
I really didn't write anything for this one
Yada bada booda, something something...
On my phone I have an anti-Internet app
And from now on I don't sing my songs in rap