The Campfire Song

[LUKE, spoken]
Come on, grab some dinner and let the nectar flow! To the Gods!

[CAMPERS]
To the Gods!

[LUKE]
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your parents run the universe
Hey!

[CAMPERS]
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your folks run the universe

[LUKE]
My dad is

[CAMPERS]
Hermes!

[LUKE]
He messengers things
You'll know his sign by his shoes with those wings
I'd wait by the phone, but the phone never rings
Oh, no

[CAMPERS makes noises of agreement.]

[LUKE]
When your dad's a god, life can be tough
I met the guy once, and once was enough!

[LUKE, spoken]
Annabeth?

[ANNABETH]
My mom's Athena, she's smart and she's wise
She's sworn off gluten and she's sworn off guys
But if she came to camp, it'd be a surprise
Oh, no

[LUKE]
Oh, no

[ANNABETH]
And my stepmom, she hates me, and my dad works all day
So I left Virginia and I ran away

[PERCY, spoken]
Wait, is that true?

[LUKE, spoken]
Everybody!

[CAMPERS]
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your parents run the universe
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your folks run the universe

[LUKE, spoken]
How about you, Silena?

[SILENA]
The goddess of love, my mom's Aphrodite
She tries to be cool, but mainly she's flighty
I'll bring home a boy and she's there in her nightie

[CAMPERS]
Oh, no!

[SILENA, spoken]
And so much body butter!

[SILENA]
I tried to seek help from even the Fates
'Cause she steals my mascara and all of my dates!

[GROVER, spoken]
Oh my turn, my turn, my turn!

[CAMPERS make noises of apprehension.]

[GROVER]
I'm a child of Pan, God of the wild
For those who love nature, they're often beguiled
He's not really my dad, but I'm sort of his child
Oh, no

[CAMPERS respond with confusion.]

[GROVER]
He went for a hike to explore new frontiers
And no one has seen him for thousands of years

[PERCY, spoken]
Has anyone got a Kleenex?

[CAMPERS]
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your parents run the universe

[PERCY, spoken]
No, he's really crying here

[CAMPERS]
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your folks run the universe

[PERCY, spoken]
Uh, Chiron! Who's your dad?

[CHIRON, spoken]
Ah! Well

[CHIRON]
My father is Kronos
Remember my lecture
He ate his children

[LUKE, spoken]
Yeah, Chiron wins

[PERCY, spokem]
Yeah, his dad is definitely the worst

[CAMPERS make noises of agreement.]

[CHIRON, spoken]
No, no, no, he did vomit us up!

[LUKE, spoken]
Oh, that makes it better

[PERCY, spoken]
Who's next?

[CLARISSE]
My dad is Ares, he's tough and he's loud
With battles so brutal, they'll draw a big crowd
He told me that only his sons make him proud

[CAMPERS]
Oh no!

[CLARISSE, spoken]
What are you looking at?!

[CLARISSE]
Don't give me your pity, I'll show him who's mean
And I'll be the fiercest he's ever seen!

[LUKE, spoke]
Alright, Percy's turn

[KATIE, spoken]
Yeah, what about the newbie?

[PERCY, spoken]
No, no listen, if I start to sing, it'll probably cause an avalanche

[LUKE, spoken]
Hey, hey, hey. We're all friends here. Just give it a shot

[PERCY]
My mom was named Sally
She loved scary movies
And food that was blue and—

[CLARISSE, spoken]
He's doing it wrong

[SILENA, spoken]
Yeah, who's your godly parent?

[PERCY, spoken]
Oh, I don't know

[LUKE, spoken]
It's okay, it's okay. A lot of half-bloods never know their godly parent. Come on, give it a try

[PERCY]
So my dad is some god
That's great, I guess
Did he not want me, or not want the stress?
Too bad he's the worst, and my life is a mess
Oh, no
I hope he shows even a trace
'Cause I got some choice words to throw in his face!

[CAMPERS cheer for PERCY.]

[CAMPERS]
Oh, things couldn't be worse
When your parents run the universe
Oh, things couldn't be worse

[LUKE]
But I don't care where our parents may be
As long as you are here with me

[CAMPERS]
We don't care where our parents may be
As long as you are here with me
As long as you are here with me!