The Alchemist (Act 4 Scene 2)

SCENE 2

ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.

ENTER FACE, KASTRIL, AND DAME PLIANT.

FACE.
Come, lady: I knew the Doctor would not leave,
Till he had found the very nick of her fortune.

KASTRIL
To be a countess, say you, a Spanish countess, sir?

DAME PLIANT.
Why, is that better than an English countess?

FACE.
Better! 'Slight, make you that a question, lady?

KASTRIL
Nay, she is a fool, captain, you must pardon her.

FACE.
Ask from your courtier, to your inns-of-court-man,
To your mere milliner; they will tell you all,
Your Spanish gennet is the best horse; your Spanish
Stoup is the best garb; your Spanish beard
Is the best cut; your Spanish ruffs are the best
Wear; your Spanish pavin the best dance;
Your Spanish titillation in a glove
The best perfume: and for your Spanish pike,
And Spanish blade, let your poor captain speak—
Here comes the doctor.

[ENTER SUBTLE, WITH A PAPER.]

SUBTLE.
My most honour'd lady,
For so I am now to style you, having found
By this my scheme, you are to undergo
An honourable fortune, very shortly.
What will you say now, if some—

FACE.
I have told her all, sir,
And her right worshipful brother here, that she shall be
A countess; do not delay them, sir; a Spanish countess.

SUBTLE.
Still, my scarce-worshipful captain, you can keep
No secret! Well, since he has told you, madam,
Do you forgive him, and I do.

KASTRIL
She shall do that, sir;
I'll look to it, 'tis my charge.

SUBTLE.
Well then: nought rests
But that she fit her love now to her fortune.

DAME PLIANT.
Truly I shall never brook a Spaniard.

SUBTLE.
No!

DAME PLIANT.
Never since eighty-eight could I abide them,
And that was some three year afore I was born, in truth.

SUBTLE.
Come, you must love him, or be miserable,
Choose which you will.

FACE.
By this good rush, persuade her,
She will cry strawberries else within this twelvemonth.

SUBTLE.
Nay, shads and mackerel, which is worse.

FACE.
Indeed, sir!

KASTRIL
Od's lid, you shall love him, or I'll kick you.

DAME PLIANT. Why,
I'll do as you will have me, brother.

KASTRIL
Do,
Or by this hand I'll maul you.

FACE.
Nay, good sir,
Be not so fierce.

SUBTLE.
No, my enraged child;
She will be ruled. What, when she comes to taste
The pleasures of a countess! to be courted—

FACE.
And kiss'd, and ruffled!

SUBTLE.
Ay, behind the hangings.

FACE.
And then come forth in pomp!

SUBTLE.
And know her state!

FACE.
Of keeping all the idolaters of the chamber
Barer to her, than at their prayers!

SUBTLE.
Is serv'd
Upon the knee!

FACE.
And has her pages, ushers,
Footmen, and coaches—

SUBTLE.
Her six mares—

FACE.
Nay, eight!

SUBTLE.
To hurry her through London, to the Exchange,
Bethlem, the china-houses—

FACE.
Yes, and have
The citizens gape at her, and praise her tires,
And my lord's goose-turd bands, that ride with her!

KASTRIL
Most brave! By this hand, you are not my suster,
If you refuse.

DAME PLIANT.
I will not refuse, brother.

[ENTER SURLY.]

SURLY.
Que es esto, senores, que no venga?
Esta tardanza me mata!

FACE.
It is the count come:
The doctor knew he would be here, by his art.

SUBTLE.
En gallanta madama, Don! gallantissima!

SURLY.
Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada hermosura, que he visto
en mi vida!

FACE.
Is't not a gallant language that they speak?

KASTRIL
An admirable language! Is't not French?

FACE.
No, Spanish, sir.

KASTRIL
It goes like law-French,
And that, they say, is the courtliest language.

FACE.
List, sir.

SURLY.
El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el esplandor que trae
esta dama! Valgame dios!

FACE.
He admires your sister.

KASTRIL
Must not she make curt'sy?

SUBTLE.
Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him!
It is the Spanish fashion, for the women
To make first court.

FACE. 'Tis true he tells you, sir:
His art knows all.

SURLY.
Porque no se acude?

KASTRIL
He speaks to her, I think.

FACE.
That he does, sir.

SURLY.
Por el amor de dios, que es esto que se tarda?

KASTRIL
Nay, see: she will not understand him! gull,
Noddy.

DAME PLIANT. What say you, brother?

KASTRIL Ass, my suster.
Go kuss him, as the cunning man would have you;
I'll thrust a pin in your buttocks else.

FACE. O no, sir.

SURLY. Senora mia, mi persona esta muy indigna de allegar
a tanta hermosura.

FACE.
Does he not use her bravely?

KASTRIL
Bravely, i'faith!

FACE.
Nay, he will use her better.

KASTRIL
Do you think so?

SURLY.
Senora, si sera servida, entremonos.

[EXIT WITH DAME PLIANT.]

KASTRIL
Where does he carry her?

FACE. Into the garden, sir;
Take you no thought: I must interpret for her.

SUBTLE.
Give Dol the word.

[ASIDE TO FACE, WHO GOES OUT.]

—Come, my fierce child, advance,
We'll to our quarrelling lesson again.

KASTRIL
Agreed.
I love a Spanish boy with all my heart.

SUBTLE.
Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother
To a great count.

KASTRIL
Ay, I knew that at first,
This match will advance the house of the KASTRILs.

SUBTLE. 'Pray God your sister prove but pliant!

KASTRIL
Why,
Her name is so, by her other husband.

SUBTLE.
How!

KASTRIL
The widow Pliant. Knew you not that?

SUBTLE.
No, faith, sir;
Yet, by erection of her figure, I guest it.
Come, let's go practise.

KASTRIL
Yes, but do you think, doctor,
I e'er shall quarrel well?

SUBTLE.
I warrant you.

[EXEUNT.]