Talking Cat Blues

Last night, when I couldn't sleep
I was scrolling through my news feed
Reading everyone's crap and watching viral videos
I was looking at some wedding photographs
I looked at them for an hour and a half
Till I realised they were all of people I didn't know

My girlfriend got up for work
She looked at me like I was dirt
She said "You're lazy, you're ruining my life and you're getting fat"
She said "I know you wanna spend another day in bed
But I need you to take the cat to the vet
And I'm leaving you
And I'm never coming back"

As she slammed the door I shouted back
"What's the problem with the cat?"
Well, I got outta bed
Emptied the tank
Went downstairs in my pants
And the cat was singing at the breakfast bar
Drinkin' my Gin and playin' my guitar
Smokin' my cigars
Wearin' my bras
Singing Kanye West songs
He was singing "I'm so great, yes it's true
I'm so great and I'm better than you and
I am essentially a god"

Well, I videoed the cat
I put it on Youtube
Within half an hour it had a million views
I called it "Seven things that cats can do that really will blow your mind"

Around about then the telephone rang
It doesn't ring for long so I ran
But I tripped up on an empty bottle of gin
I grazed my knees tumblin' down
Smashed my head on the ground
With the last little energy in my bones
Reached out to pick up the phone
And a voice on the other line said
"Have you had a trip or fall in the last six months, that wasn't your fault?"
I said "Yes, Yes, I have"
And I said "My girlfriend's just left me, you wanna go to Burger King with me some time?"
She hung up

Well, the telephone rang for a second time and a man's voice on the other line said
"I've seen your cat. I gonna make him a star
He needs a haircut and some singing lessons, but he does a great Kanye West impression, I can put the song on an advert sellin' a car"

Well, we made a lot of money and we had an affair
At one point we like Sonny and Cher, but that cat got hooked on powdered milk

One night we were drinking at a dead-end bar
When a guy came over with his guitar, said
"You're that cat I've seen on the Internet
Sing me a song, you little pussy"

Well the cat went in to swing a punch
But the other guy must've had spinach for lunch
'cause he threw that little cat across the room

He grazed his paws on the ground
He smashed his head, tumbling down
I rung up the insurance company there and then
Said, "My cat's had a trip or fall in the last six months that wasn't his fault"
And the voice said, "Sorry, no win. No felines."

Then David Cameron came walking by
As he often does in these songs of mine
He was helping the poor
Trying to stop the war
Saving the NHS
Being honest about the nature of the West
I made a video, put it on Youtube
Called it "Four things David Cameron can do that will blow your mind"

But the comment section got out of hand
Everyone arguing religion and land
Ended up being the cause of World War III

And our war got worse
And in no time
Gunshots rang out through the night
The soldiers all came marching by
And the atom bombs fell from the sky
And as we were engulfed by the flames
That little cat looked up at me
Said, "This is one thing human beings will do that'll blow your mind."