Talkin’ Walmart Texas Blues

[Verse 1]
I’m just another hippie from Portland town
Got my clothes at the thrift stores lost n’ found
I buy local ingredients, I don’t eat cheese
I’ve grown my hair all the way down to my knees
I’ve only been to Walmart in my nightmares

[Verse 2]
Last night I had one it wasn’t very nice
I was on a Texas highway hitchin’ for a ride
When an old diesel Chevy stopped to pick me up
They said “You hippies can ride in the back of the truck!”
“With the pigs, where you belong”

[Verse 3]
So I yelled up to the front with the wind in my face
”I gotta get to the other side of the state”
They said “Sit back hippie keep smoking your hookah”
”We ain’t gonna take you to Tuscaloosa”
”We’re kicking you out at the very next town”
”You’re gonna love that place”

[Verse 4]
Well I squealed like a pig when i saw that sign
It said “Walmart: Population 9,009”
Everything’s bigger in Texas you see
And that Walmart was bigger than the state of Tennessee
”Had its own post office, its own city hall
Its own go-cart racing track, its own nuclear missle silo
Even its own K-Mart!”

[Verse 5]
They kicked me out in front of that town
I was greeted by a lady in a long blue gown
She said ”welcome to Walmart, our prices are low”
”They’re practically free you just give your soul”
Well i must have died and gone to heaven

[Verse 6]
I walked on through the shiny glass doors
I took an elevator to the 100th floor
At the Small Business Department the elevator stopped
There I bought my very own hardware shop
Prestocked, Preowned, Preassembled
99 dollars and 44 cents

[Verse 7]
I was so proud of my recent purchase
I figured I’d open shop back home in Kansas
But the receipts fine print it let me down
Said the shop is “Only Valid in Walmart Town”
“Aisle 1,492”

[Verse 8]
So I got on a bus and road a few miles
An hour later I was standing at the aisle
There it was “Dave’s Hardware Shop”
Across the street from “Alice’s Restaurant”
Dang they got her too

[Verse 9]
There was a man out back with a leaf blower
I asked him if Dave was the previous owner
He said “Yeah he was open for 52 years”
”But now he’s in New Orleans bottling his tears”
Only thing Walmart can’t seem sell any more of

[Verse 10]
Right about then I was hoping it would end
When one of the blue vests showed up on my skin
Before I knew it I was working the register
And my name tag said “Walmart Manager”
Good grief

[Verse 11]
Now many days have passed since that awful dream
I learned my lesson if you know what I mean
I’ve been to Walmart for the very last time
Now I do all my shopping Online
”Who’s running that operation?”