Talkin’ Candy Bar Blues

(spoken story with guitar accompaniment)
Bought a candy bar the other day
Only ate half, s'gonna throw the rest away
When I saw this kid playin' in the street
I said "Hey kid, you want somethin' to eat?"
He said "Whut?"
I said "Candy, son." He said "HELP!"
Then he started to run
And I stood there
Watchin' him go
Half a bar of chocolate
Runnin' down my fingers

Well the kid comes back in a minute or two
But his mom's with him and the neighbors too
And they got the kid scared it's plain to see
They say "Which one done it?" he points at me
He says "Him". I say "What do you mean?"
He says "YOU!" then he starts to scream
And I'm standin', everybody's lookin'
Everybody's starin' -at me- ... (nervous laugh)

"Howdy doody...y'all waitin' for the bus?
Ah ... a little late isn't it ... anybody got a watch? ...
We could uh see how late it is ...
I got a better idea, let's find somebody with a watch
And stare at him!"

Well some start pickin' up baseball bats
And the others are pullin' the pins from their hats -
"I think this thing's gone a little too far
Hell, I only offered him a CANDY BAR!" I said "WAIT!"
I said "What are you doin'?"
They said "PRE-VERT the kid's life is ruined!"
"Oh...oh well then you better check what he's chewin'
Cause I got the feelin'
He's in the middle of a bubble gum orgy!"

Well they're comin' at me and I'm backin' away
And then I hear this policeman say
"Are you positive he's the right man?"
(I quick flicked the candy bar out of my hand)
He says "Show me."
I says "Show ya what?"
He says "The CANDY BAR you degen-a-rut" and he grabs me
He grabs both my hands
Pretty easy to see ...
Which hand's got the chocolate!

Well I've had some troubled times before
But none like the trip from the candy store ...
Sympathize with the kid all right
Somebody's nice to ya, probably ain't right
I'll grow up, I'll learn the way
I'll learn so that my later days'll be prosperous
(Chocolate covered) ...
If I don't bite off more than I can hide