Swimming Alone in the Backyard

Head blank
Head blank, then flowing over

Sometimes colours of another time present themselves as if they were the present
But how can I be in the moment when every moment is the death of another moment, and another day is another day I still don't have the words, just "grief," and what a word, what a river of a word, it overflows, it overflows, it overflows

If you let it in is it easier to swim
While you look out at the city and think: I'm a failure
Is that what falling in love is?
Failing
Letting the buildings come down on you
Pulling a tooth til it's loose
Sometimes we fail but
Being a failure is just failing consistently
(Failing consistently. Failing consistently.)
Place your hands on a window
Light a candle in a prayer
While you look out at the city and think: I’m a failure
(Failing consistently. Failing consistently.)

Do you have enough wood to build your own house?
Is that what you're supposed to do with your body?
Put it in a building, live there, die there, set it on fire when you're ready

Why do I follow you, or anything
I guess I'd like to believe in something
But I'm not sure what, or how
Keep swimming
Keep your head above water
Not every river is for drowning in
Even if it feels like
That's all a current is for
That can’t be all that a current is for

Some days I don’t know about the colours
Trying to see something
In everything
It’s been weird on this road for a while
There’s some bricks I just don’t think I can carry anymore
Most of the time nothing feels real anyway

Thinking homeward
Putting a door on my head
Something to shut or open up
Another quiet night leaving scratches in all the ways
I came to claim some sense of self –
A map. A maze. A place I couldn’t locate
Seeing it sever
What was it ever before and how does it seem
To change and stay the same, I look outside
I try to come
Close enough to someone else
And you warn me:
What happens to me because of anyone else is just
Random

Will you help me carry these rocks?
I’m trying to build something
I’m trying to build something
When it’s done, I think I’ll know
When it’s done, I think I’ll know

Will you still be here?
Will you still be here?
Will you still?
Be. Here