Swamp Donkey

[Call 1]

[Ring]

[M]

Good afternoon, Manzanita Outfitters, Matthew speaking.

[LPC]

Matthew, my name's Schneider...Webb.

[M]

Yes sir.

[LPC]

I wanted to get outfitted like a... swamp donkey.

[M]

(Laughs) Sorry?

[LPC]

Something of that nature.

[M]

I don't know what a swamp donkey i...What's a swamp donkey? You gotta, you gotta help me out.

[LPC]

(Belch) Well, you know I'm a shepherd, that's something I've encountered many times over the years. And I'm a herder.

[M]

Okay.

[LPC]

You know I'm usually the one leading the charge.

[M]

Yeah, uhh, so are you...

[LPC]

(Belch)...Yeah.

[M]

(Laughs) Are you looking for something with greater protection, or are you looking for like... a rain jacket, or a shell? Or are you actually looking for a costume?

[LPC]

I'm looking for a husk.

[M]

A husk?

[LPC]

(Belch) Yeah.

[M]

(Laughs) I'm sorry sir, what's that sound in there?

[LPC]

The lady at Ooh La La said I could talk to you about it.

[M]

Oh, yeah, okay. So, I don't know, what's a husk? You mean like a corn husk?

[LPC]

Yeah.

[M]

Yeah, I don't think we'll have corn husks here.

[LPC]

You know, there's some rough stuff out there, when you're a shepherd. So I need something that's gonna do the job.

[M]

Yeah, yeah, I get that. Ah, maybe Cal Ranch might have something like that. They deal with more animal products, and they have feed, and stuff geared for livestock. We're more just outdoorsy gear, you know, like tents and sleeping bags and rain jackets.

[LPC]

(Belch) Yeah, well I'm not sitting here playing Whack-A-Mole, fella. It's some rough stuff up 'ere, you know what I mean?

[M]

Yeah, it is.

[LPC]

Anything to make like, look like a porcupine? Something of that type?

[M]

(Laughs) A porcupine? Uhhh, no, I mean, yeah. There's another place, Off The Grid, they got like camo paint and stuff like that, if you just kinda wanted to blend in. I don't know, I'm not really sure about these.

[LPC]

(Belch) Sure. The swamp donkey thing, can you just make something customized, perhaps.

[M]

(Laughs) I don't even know. (Laughs) Yeah, I'm sorry sir, I don't think we're gonna be able you out there with the swamp donkey.

[LPC]

Well I'm tossing tranquilizer darts on a daily basis.

[M]

You're taking tranquilizer darts on a daily basis? (Laughs)

[LPC]

(Sound effect) No, I'm throwing them, sir. As part of my job.

[M]

Oh.

[LPC]

I'm a herder. I lead the charge, that's what I do.

[M]

(Laughs) Right, right, yeah.

[LPC]

(Belch) It's time to go pedal to the metal there guy.

[M]

Alright, yeah, sorry man. Don't think we got anything like that, but feel free to come by the store. Bye.

[Hang up]

[Call 2]

[Ring]

[M]

Good afternoon, Manzanita Outfitters, Matthew speaking.

[LPC]

Yeah, what do you guys got going on over there? A darn bingo game?

[M]

I don't know why you're asking me if this is a bingo parlor, sir. You're the one calling us.

[LPC]

I'm just trying to get some information here.

[M]

Yeah, but I've talked to you first sir. Listen, we ca... this isn't, this isn't a game. This isn't a joke. This is a business.

[LPC]

Are you Barefoot Bob? Or who are ya? I don't even know who I'm talkin' to.

[M]

I just told you my name when I picked up the telephone, sir. I'm not gonna play this game with you. If you call back again, we're gonna call the police, okay?

[LPC]

I'm a paying customer.

[M]

Okay man, but listen, you're not making sense. You're asking us for things we don't have. We don't have a porcupine suit. We don't have a swamp donkey suit.

[LPC]

But the lady at...

[M]

Okay, I'm serious man. If you call back again, I'm gonna write your telephone number down, and then we're gonna call the police.

[LPC]

I'm furious with you. I really am.

[M]

Okay, what do you need sir?

[LPC]

I want to look like a holographic donkey. End of paragraph.

[M]

Man, this is an outdoor camping outfitting store.

[LPC]

Yeah, well you're talkin' to a shepherd, so no one knows more about it than I do, frankly.

[M]

Then you're gonna have to build it yourself. We don't have holograms, we don't have suits here sir. Okay? This is the end of the conversation, sir. I'm serious, you can't call back. Don't disturb me or any of our other associates.

[Hang up]

[Call 3]

[Ring]

[M]

Hello, sir, can you stop calling this store?

[LPC]

Just sell me some rubber boots, that's all I need.

[M]

We don't have rubber boots here.

[LPC]

What do you have? I'm trying to find out, but I keep getting disconnected.

[M]

Alright sir, so what we're gonna do here is, we're gonna block your number...

[LPC]

Just sell me some holographic boots!

[M]

We don't have any holograms, any holographs, nothing like that. Nothing. We're gonna call the police.

[Hang up]