Snowcast

MAN: Hello, and welcome to Yogscast.

[Intro Theme]

LEWIS: Lomadia, can you say, um… “You are listening to the YoGPoD, with Xephos and Honeydew”?

HANNAH: Does it have to be called YoGPoD?

LEWIS: Yes.

HANNAH: Hello and welcome to the Yog- Oh, shit… The Yogs… YoGPoD? PoDYoG? What was it?

SIMON: Brilliant.

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: That’ll do.

HANNAH: (Sadly) No!

Transition music plays.

SIMON: You’re listening to the YoGPoD.

SIMON: Hellos. I’m back. Hope everything is, uh, good, where, where you are.

LEWIS: I’m fine. How was the walk in the snow?

SIMON: It was a bit slippery out there. It was, it was scary.

LEWIS: Did you have any adventures?

SIMON: I just bought lots of stuff to drink. Water, one small bottle of coke, some milkshakes, some Ribena.

LEWIS: I’d kind of like to record a snowy Yogscast. I think we should -

SIMON: Snowcast.

LEWIS: - set aside a certain… Yeah, Snowcast, uh, yeah.

SIMON: Snowgs-cast. Sn… Snogscast.

LEWIS: Snogscast… That would be something completely different.

SIMON: There’s like four fucking threads on the front page of GBS about snow. And then, of course everyone’s replying, “Oh, you call that snow? Oh, this only happens once a year where you are, and where we are, oh… Oh, fuss about nothing, oh, oy, ee, uh, ooo…

Simon makes more random noises.

LEWIS: A lot of people just sort of, get on with it, don’t they. You know, in Canada -

SIMON: It’s snowing. Deal with it.

LEWIS: - and Finland, you know, snow is part of . you know, their, their way of life. But the fact is, in England -

SIMON: It’s part of their culture.

LEWIS: - we don’t actually have any proper facilities to deal with snow, you know? We don’t have really any snow trucks that go out and like, salt the roads and stuff and keep everything going…

SIMON: Because… Because it snows so rarely, we don’t have the infrastructure to deal with snow, on a daily basis, because it doesn’t happen on a daily basis. So of course -

LEWIS: No, it only happens about one day every year…

SIMON - we get caught out.

LEWIS: Well, I don’t know if we get ‘caught out,’ as much as, we know it’s gonna happen. We just accept that everything’s just gonna shut down for a whole day.

SIMON: The inevitability. It’s cheaper, probably, to just write off, like, three days a year, rather than put all of those millions, or tens of millions, or hundreds of millions, into, you know, shoring up our infrastructure against snow. It’s just not fucking worth it. You’d rather just, you know, say, "Okay, the entire workforce of England can have the fucking day off. Fuck it."

LEWIS: I love the fact that like, certain old people say things when it snows, that like, “Heh, yeah, ‘global warming’, hahaha,” and stuff like this, when global warming doesn’t actually mean hotter… Well, it does mean hotter temperatures, but it, it also means more extremities. Hotter summers, but colder winters, potentially.

SIMON: You don’t make any sense. You’re, you’re illogical. You’re not thinking this through, are you?

LEWIS: No, but global warming doesn’t just mean warming -

SIMON: You’ve just bought into this, this false misinformation that’s being spread around, saying, “Oh, the world’s in trouble! Oh, we’ve got to stop using CFCs! And, oh…”

LEWIS: CFCs are pretty much completely stopped being used, by the way, now.

SIMON: Not by me. I have to order my deodorant from fucking Iraq, have it shipped over here… It costs me eight pounds, a bottle of deodorant, just so I can stick two fingers up to brussel, and to Al Gore.

LEWIS: Brussel?

SIMON: Fuck you, Brussels! Brussels, sorry. Plural. And Al Gores. Plural again.

LEWIS: Brussel Sprouts. Fuck you, brussel!

SIMON: Fuck you, Russell… Brand. Brussels Brand. And fuck you -

LEWIS: Russell Brand?

SIMON: - Al Gores. Altons Gores.

LEWIS: Russell Brand. Als Gores.

SIMON: What’s… What’s the ‘Al’ actually short for? Is it… Allen? Or, Alfred?

LEWIS: Albert.

SIMON: Or Albert. Albert.

LEWIS: I think it’s Albert.

SIMON: Albert Gore.

LEWIS: Albuquerque… Bore. Gore. Bore?

SIMON: Alonso. He’s actually latino.

LEWIS: Alonso Bore. He’s.... Gore. He sounds like a racing driver.

SIMON: His surname isn’t really Gore, it’s Jiménez.

LEWIS: What?

SIMON: Jiménez.

LEWIS: M N S?

SIMON: Jiminez.

LEWIS: Marks and Spencers?

SIMON: Jiminez. No, Jiminez. But it’s pronounced Jiménez.

LEWIS: Jiménez. Why are you saying it so quickly?

SIMON: Jiménez.

LEWIS: You…

SIMON: Everybody who speaks Spanish talks quickly. Because they know that other people, who only have the barest grasp of Spanish, won’t understand what they’re saying when they talk quickly.

LEWIS: Yeah, but it’s probably the same thing with us now. We’re talking rather quickly, and we probably don’t appreciate other people who don’t speak English as their first language.

SIMON: I got a Chinese guy here, who knows. He does… He plays WoW for me, and like farms, and stuff.

LEWIS: Oh, put him on.

SIMON: I have him, like.... Okay, I’ll just get him.

Lewis laughs. Simon starts doing a Chinese accent.

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Hello!

LEWIS: (Laughs). Hello! What’s your name?

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Uh… My name is Zhuang Ji.

SIMON: I gotta be careful, actually, there’s… There’s these people who have a Chinese restaurant just like a couple of doors up. They might hear me.

Lewis cracks up.

LEWIS: I don’t think that’s the most… That that’s the biggest worry here. Bearing in mind, I’m putting it on the internet.

SIMON: Oh, shit.

LEWIS: Zhuang Ji. Can you put him back on again?

SIMON: Okay, I’ll just go and get him.

Simon can be heard tapping on his desk.

SIMON: Can you hear my footsteps as I walk away?

LEWIS: Yeah, yeah.

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Hello!

LEWIS: (Laughs). Hello. Um, so, you’re, you’re, you’re Honeydew’s, you work for Honeydew, is that right?

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Ya, that is right.

LEWIS: Do you, uh, what’s your, what’s, what would you consider your main job, you know, to be. Uh, is it, gold farming?

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Fluffing.

LEWIS: Oh, right, okay. So, you’re from China originally. Have you ever, you know, does it snow in China at all?

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Not weally.

They both laugh.

LEWIS: No?

SIMON: I can’t do the accent. I can’t do the accent, it’s terrible. I can’t even do the stereotypical, fucking, you know, old, Northern, comedian Chinese accent. I can’t, I can’t even do that.

LEWIS: What do you mean? That was beautiful. That was perfect.

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Not weally.

SIMON: I mean, how do you, say, what, I, what the fuck.

LEWIS: That’s fine! That’s fine. Uh, can I have, uh -

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Leally. Not leally. Really.

SIMON: I can’t, I can’t do it.

Lewis stutters a bit.

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Hello!

LEWIS: Do you perhaps make food? Do you, do you make Chinese food? What kind of food?

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): I make fish and chip!

LEWIS: Oh - (breaks into laughter) - just, just the one chip?

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Fishes and chip, ya?

SIMON: Ya? What’s ya? What’s ya? Where did ya come from, that’s German!

LEWIS: Ya? Goodness me. Well, it’s been very enjoyable talking to you.

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Thank you very much.

LEWIS: Uh, would you, could you, possibly say goodbye to the viewers of the Yogscast?

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Hello!

LEWIS: No, goodbye.

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Good-blie.

Lewis snorts.

LEWIS: Oh, God.

SIMON: Awful. Absolutely awful. Awful.

LEWIS: Awful. Awful.

SIMON: Awful. I feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed, I feel dirty.

Transition music plays.

SIMON: You’re listening to the YoGPoD.

LEWIS: Do you think we could get, um, Zhuang, Zhuang Ji to read out some famous works of fiction?

SIMON: Um, only if it’s got, like, a low reading age. Cause he doesn’t know an awful lot of English.

LEWIS: What, like, Spot The Dog?

SIMON: So, uh… No, um. Was it Green Eggs and Ham that was written using, um, less than fifty words? Fifty different words of the English language.

LEWIS: Uh… What, eggs, green, ham, hat, cat…

SIMON: Yeah… I’ll just find it on Wikipedia. I’m, I’m fairly certain he made it as, like, you know, like, a challenge. Uh…

LEWIS: Dr. Seuss.

SIMON: Vocabulary of the text consists of just 50 different words, of which fif - 49 are monosyb, monosyballic. I can’t even pronounce that.

LEWIS: Are what?

SIMON: I don’t know. They’ve only got one syllable.

LEWIS: Can Zhuang Ji pronounce it?

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Momo-syballic!

SIMON: No, he can’t.

Lewis cracks up.

LEWIS: Momo-syballic.

SIMON: The 50 words are: A, am, and, anywhere, are, be, boat, box, car, could -

LEWIS: Alright, alright, we get the idea.

SIMON - dark, do, eat, eggs, fox, goat -

LEWIS: 50 is quite a lot of words.

SIMON: - good, green, ham, here, house, I, if, in -

LEWIS: Stop it.

SIMON - let, like, may, me, mouse -

LEWIS: How long is this book?

SIMON: - not, on, or, rain, Sam, say, see, so, thank, that, the, them -

LEWIS: This is quite, like, it’s almost like a book already, isn’t it, just reading that out.

SIMON: - there, they, train, tree, try, will, with, would, you. (Sighs). I would not, could not, in a box. I could not, would not, with a fox. I will not eat them with a mouse. I will not eat them in a house. I will not eat them here or there. I will not eat them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I am.

LEWIS: Does that mean ‘Sam I am’ as in I am Sam?

SIMON: It’s like will.i.am, the famous singer and artist…

LEWIS: William.

SIMON: From the Black Eyed Peas. He’s, no, he’s called will.i.am.

LEWIS: So, when he says, ‘I do not like them, Sam I am,’ is ‘Sam I am’ the person he’s talking to? Or is it -

SIMON: Yes, Sam I am. Sam I am is called, ‘Sam I am,’ much like will.i.am is called, ‘will.i.am.’

LEWIS: Do you reckon the name William originally came from people saying, ‘Will I am’?

SIMON: Yes -

LEWIS: Like, where does it come from…

SIMON: - and in the future, lots of people will be called Samiam.

LEWIS: Do you reckon more people will be called, like, erm…

SIMON: Lewisiam.

LEWIS: Yeah, like, Honeydewiam.

SIMON: Simoniam. Williamiam.

LEWIS: Craigiam.

SIMON: Daveiam. Oh, man, off on a tangent here, but, to discover that Fallout 3 has a republic of Dave, I was so happy with that.

LEWIS: The Republic of Dave? Goodness.

SIMON: The Republic of Dave. With President Dave.

LEWIS: That sounds incredible.

SIMON: It is. It absolutely is. It’s the very northeast of the map, and it’s just like a shitty little farm, with like seven people there. And that’s his republic.

LEWIS: Don’t you have to have a certain amount of people in order to have a republic? Like, a certain amount of people on the senate or whatever.

SIMON: I don’t know, ask that cunt Danny Wallace about it.

LEWIS: Who?

SIMON: He wrote, ‘The Yes Man’, starring Will Carrey. He’s a British comedian -

LEWIS: Jim Carrey.

SIMON: - he, he… Who did he used to live with?

LEWIS: Did you just say Will Carrey?

SIMON: Jim Carrey. Did I say Will Carrey?

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: I’m sorry, I’ve got will.i.am. on the brain.

LEWIS: will.i.am. Carrey. Yes Man, that film that’s just come out… I’ve seen it, it’s actually, it’s okay. I thought it was quite good.

SIMON: Oh, is it? Is it?

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: I mean, Jim Carrey’s already starred in a movie where he has to tell the truth for 24 hours, and now he’s in a movie where he has to say ‘yes’ to everything for 24 hours, or whatever. What’s the next fucking movie he’s gonna be it? You know, every time someone asks him for anal sex, he has to, like, agree with it, or something? I mean, what a pile of shit.

LEWIS: People are saying, it is similar to, like, ‘Liar Liar,’ in a kind of many ways. But people are saying that that new one with Brad Pitt in it, that, um…

SIMON: Oh, let, let me guess. He’s got like, a little son, or a little daughter, and he’s distanced himself, you know, his relationship isn’t going so well, because, you know, his career has come first, and so, a magical pixie grants a wish or curses him, or some shit. Oh, it’s awful.

LEWIS: Uh, no, uh, what happens is, he, like.. Do… is… Yeah, basically he gets into a situation where he has to say ‘yes’ to everything.

SIMON: Ugh.

LEWIS: And people ask him to do stupid shit.

SIMON: And he goes on a journey, and he grows as a person, doesn’t he?

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: He grows as a person.

LEWIS: There are some horrible bits. There are some cringeworthy bits. But it’s actually, generally, okay. So, the other film which I was talking about, was, ‘The Secret -

SIMON: Yes.

LEWIS: - ‘The Strange Life of Benjamin Button,’ or something. A weird… Which is basically -

SIMON: Oh, right, yeah.

LEWIS: Forrest Gump. This kid is born, who’s like, old. He’s all arthritic and, like, old and weird. And then he grows up, right? But as he grows up, he sort of becomes younger. Now, what I had a problem with, was, with this story, is that, he was born as like a little baby. But a really old baby. And then he grew up, and then he shrank again, right? Now, I don’t have the problem with -

SIMON: Right?

LEWIS: I don’t have the problem with him getting younger, okay, fair enough, he can get younger. But, he shouldn’t shrink into, like, a little kid. And then shrink into a baby.

SIMON: So, when he’s born, he’s a tiny old man.

LEWIS: Yes.

SIMON: Cause he’s just come out of, like, a womb.

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: And a vagina. So he’s small. He’s a small old man.

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: And when he’s dying, he’s a baby, but he’s not a big baby, he shrunk again.

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: And he’s now a little baby.

LEWIS: Yeah, he shrinks back into a little baby. That -

SIMON: That doesn’t make sense.

LEWIS: - is the problem I had, yeah. He should have been, like, a massive baby. Like, a man-sized baby.

SIMON: Mmm.

LEWIS: But that wouldn’t have been quite, like, the same.

SIMON: That is quite scary. That would be terrifying, wouldn’t it? A man-sized baby.

LEWIS: Yeah, I… But obviously, they couldn’t do that in the film, cause that would’ve been absolutely terrifying. It would have kind of given the wrong message at the end of the film. It’s basically Forrest Gump, re-done, in another kind of way.

SIMON: Is he an idiot? Is he, you know, a fucking idiot?

LEWIS: Yeah, he’s like, a struggling kid, with like, you know, with like, you know, the leg braces thing -

SIMON: Oh, god.

LEWIS: - and then he goes to war, and he makes -

SIMON: A disabled.

LEWIS: - some old war friends, and they get blown up in the war, you know, and exactly the same thing that happens. And his mom, like -

SIMON: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

LEWIS: - tells him these things, like, ‘Life is what you make of it,’ and -

SIMON: A box of chocolates, yeah.

LEWIS: - it’s just exactly the same. It’s, sort of a long love interest that he meets when he’s like, a kid, and he, kind of, you know, never really gets together with her, throughout loads of things. And then, finally gets together with her, and then, she…. They just have to split up, you know, because, he’s getting younger and she’s getting older.

SIMON: Oh, god, she’d basically be, like, a pedophile, wouldn’t she? If she was like, doing him as a kid.

LEWIS: That’s, I think, what the worry is, yeah.

SIMON: That’s a bit disturbing.

LEWIS: Especially the whole shrinking back down to a beautiful baby part. I mean, ridiculous.

SIMON: Aw. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed, babe. Ga-ga goo-goo-goo! Aw.

LEWIS: I’m kind of, agreeing with, like, Karl Pilkington on this, but, children are not beautiful to anyone other than their direct parents, are they?

SIMON: And pedophiles.

They both laugh.

LEWIS: No, I mean, not, I mean, really young. I mean, not children. Like, babies.

SIMON: There are some very ugly babies. (In an Irish accent). There’s some very hairy babies!

LEWIS: Was that, like, a Scottish woman? You know, imparting her words of wisdom there.

SIMON: It’s from ‘Father Ted’! With the milkman! The milkman’s going around and getting all these women pregnant, and they’re judging like, a Bonnie Baby competition, and all the babies have got, like, you know, a mustache and big sideburns, and stuff. Because the milkman has that.

LEWIS: Oh, I see. Oh, god. That was a good episode. I remember now. Is that the same one where the milkfloat, uh…

SIMON: Yeah!

LEWIS: It can't, it can’t go below five miles an hour, or something.

SIMON: Yeah, ‘Speed 3’ it’s called.

Transition music plays.

SIMON: You’re listening to the YoGPoD.

LEWIS: So where were we? I mean, this was originally supposed to be about snow, and stuff. Cause it’s snowing. Hello?

SIMON: Hello.

LEWIS: Snowing?

SIMON: Snow. We’ve got to talk about snow again, have we?

LEWIS: Yeah, yeah. Is there anything you want to say, particularly about… Or Zhuang Ji has to say about snow -

SIMON: Why… Why do we make snowmen when it snows, and not snowwomen?

LEWIS: Well, you’d have to put boobs on a snowwoman.

SIMON: Well, that’d be quite easy to do. Just, put a couple of snowballs -

LEWIS: Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

SIMON: - on the front. On the chest.

LEWIS: Well, maybe it’s just like milkmen, postmen, maybe it’s just like that, you know? There’s no, there’s never been any reason. It’s just a genderless expression.

SIMON: Sexist.

LEWIS: No, it doesn’t ma- It’s not sexist. It’s just, one of those things which has always been, you know? Like…

SIMON: Why is it a snowperson? It should be a snowperson. It shouldn’t be a snowman.

LEWIS: Yeah, but it’s tradition. You don’t say milkp- Well, you do say milkperson, post, post, postperson…

SIMON: Well, I mean, it’s a -

LEWIS: Ah, the postperson has arrived -

SIMON: - milk delivery technician.

LEWIS: - with my package!

SIMON: You say postie.

LEWIS: Even though, it’s, you know…

SIMON: Or, ‘mailman,’ if you’re American… and sexist.

LEWIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

SIMON: Instead of firemen, we have firefighters now. So perhaps instead of calling them snowmen, we should call them snowfighters.

LEWIS: They’re not really…

SIMON: Ah.

LEWIS: They’re not really fighting, though, are they?

SIMON: D-ah!

LEWIS: They’re more like….

SIMON: But, ah!

LEWIS: If you gave them, like, a sword…

SIMON: No, ah!

LEWIS: If you gave them, like, a sword, and a shield, and a gun.

SIMON: But, ah! Do you not understand, my child? Ah!

LEWIS: You’re confusing me, again.

SIMON: D-ah!

Lewis chuckles.

LEWIS: Why do you do this? I’m… is this, like..

SIMON: It’s what Lee and Herring used to do.

LEWIS: It’s like fat men and fatfighters.

SIMON: I… I’m not sure about that. I, I think it’s used in a different way. What other fighters are there?

LEWIS: Ultimate fighters.

SIMON: People who fight... Ultimate fighters, in cages!

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: Hitting each other with planks of wood with barbed wire around.

LEWIS: Wearing like a Lycra one-piece.

SIMON: Wearing, like, very small shorts.

LEWIS: Yeah…

Simon roars.

SIMON: We should do that!

LEWIS: They've got sort of a weird goatee.

SIMON: You and I, we should do that, as a Yogscast.

LEWIS: God, really?

SIMON: Ultimate fighting Yogscast.

LEWIS: What, like, me and you in a cage wearing very small shorts?

SIMON: In our pants.

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: In our pants?

SIMON: Grappling each other.

LEWIS: You'd be wearing, like wide ones.

SIMON: Wrestling each other to the ground. Ah!

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: That's terrifying.

SIMON: It would be quite scary. It would be very scary to watch, Jesus. It would be-. Actually, there's, um…

LEWIS: Oh God. It would get a lot of hits on YouTube though. Just for the sheer novelty.

SIMON: Ah! Women in Love, the film adaptation of the D. H. Lawrence novel, starring Oliver Reed and Alan Bates and Glenda Jackson as well. Alan Bates and Oliver Reed wrestle each other. Um…

LEWIS: It would be like…

SIMON: It's ridiculous!

LEWIS: It would be like that scene in Borat, in the hotel room.

SIMON: It is like that, yeah, basically. It is. It's very... It's homoerotic. It's one of the first mainstream movies to feature full-frontal male nudity.

LEWIS: I'ma Borat.

SIMON: Ez nice... high-five!

LEWIS: Not!

SIMON: I think it's a bit late to be doing Borat impressions, I mean…

LEWIS: A little bit.

SIMON: That was a long time ago, isn't it.

LEWIS: Yeah. Yeah.

SIMON: I mean I called you on making, like, Portal references, because that was, you know, like eight months previous. And Borat was fucking ages ago.

LEWIS: Yeah. Well I mean at this rate, as well, with the rate of Yogscast production, this snow one will be released in like mid-fucking-Summer.

Simon laughs.

SIMON: Aww, and people - yeah, it will be fine though, for our antipodean friends... in the Australias... our Australis drongos will be listening and they'll be going, you know, fair dos.

LEWIS: Yeah, sipping their Foster's, watching the kangaroos go by in, in the snow.

SIMON: Box, kangaroos box each other. That's what they do.

LEWIS: Oh, right. Kangaroo fighting.

SIMON: (In an Australian accent) What's that, Skippy?

Simon makes clicking noises.

SIMON: (In an Australian accent) Oh, Timmy’s gone and fallen down the - the…

Simon laughs.

SIMON: I’m sorry.

Lewis laughs.

SIMON: Oh, my god…

LEWIS: (In an Australian accent) Timmy’s gone and fallen down the well?

SIMON: (In an Australian accent) Fallen down the well? Crickey!

LEWIS: (In an Australian accent) What’s that, Skip?

Lewis makes clicking noises.

LEWIS: (In an Australian accent) Blimey! That crocodile’s got a great bunch of teeth! Shall I play my wobbleboard? (Breaks into laughter) I don’t know where I’m going.

SIMON: (Mocking Lewis) Wobbleboard!

LEWIS: I… I don’t know.

SIMON: (In an Australian accent) I’m gonna creep up behind ‘im, and stick me thumb up his ass!

LEWIS: Yeah. Is that South Park? Wow. Look at all these pop culture references, firing!

Lewis makes ‘pew-pew’ noises.

LEWIS: From every direction. Geez. Father Ted, South Park, Ralph Harris, Steve Irwin…

SIMON: I, I mean, all we do is just sit in, and watch TV and shit.

LEWIS: Oh, man.

SIMON: So, we, we’re kind of forced into talking about popular culture, and film/television, and so on. Cause that’s all we do.

LEWIS: Well, like….

SIMON: We can’t, like, tell anecdotes of like, conversations we’ve had with people, because we don’t have them. We don’t know anybody…

Lewis laughs.

SIMON: We don’t go…

They both laugh.

LEWIS: That’s cause it’s snowing outside. We can’t go out. We’re stuck.

SIMON: It hasn’t. it hasn't -

LEWIS: Everything’s shut down.

SIMON: How long has it been snowing? Has it been snowing for, like, the last, you know, four and a half years?

Lewis cracks up.

SIMON: We’ve got nothing to talk about, because it’s been snowing solidly for four and a half years, and we’ve been trapped inside our houses. Surrounded by snow drifts. Our only communication with the outside world is through Yogscast.

LEWIS: Can -

SIMON: Mom.

LEWIS: Can someone listening -

SIMON: Mom, if you’re listening to this, mom… I love you!

LEWIS: If you’re listening… please send me some cocoa in the mail. The postie… The postfighter will bring it.

Simon laughs.

SIMON: Postfighter.

LEWIS: They’ll fight their way through the snow, and bring me hot chocolate, and, uh -

WINSTON CHURCHILL (SIMON): Ah.

LEWIS: - tins of things.

WINSTON CHURCHILL (SIMON): We will fight them in the snow, ah.

SIMON: That’s me being Winston Churchill. That’s another popular culture reference there.

LEWIS: Sounded a little bit like a sheep. Bah.

WINSTON CHURCHILL (SIMON): Bah!

SIMON: That was a bit like Melchett, um…

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: Blackaddard.

SIMON: From Blackaddard, yeah. Okay, that’s a bit more like it, isn’t it.

WINSTON CHURCHILL (LEWIS): We will fight them on the beaches.

LEWIS: I don’t know. He had a very, sort of deep voice. I can’t really do it.

WINSTON CHURCHILL (SIMON): Yes. Blah, ah… (Gibberish).

LEWIS: Sort of became a little bit of a farmer at the end there.

SIMON: It did, didn’t it. Yeah.

FARMER (SIMON): Argh, ah, old bugger… (Gibberish).

Lewis cracks up.

SIMON: I have an uncle, right? I have an uncle, who’s like… He was born in Gloucester, he’s lived his whole life in Gloucester, and he’s going to die in Gloucester. And he does, literally, he does, literally, talk… He’s called Bill, actually. Bill.i.am.

LEWIS: Bill.i.am.

Lewis laughs.

SIMON: He does actually talk, (Gibberish with North English accent). Like that. And it’s, “I’m sorry?” Nobody can understand what he says. He’s, he’s… He’s completely incomprehensible.

LEWIS: There’s a true, sort of, British farmer dialect, that, you know… I bet he’s got sort of a ruddy, sort of shiny face, you know. Quite tan, wrinkly, looks about 70…

SIMON: He’s very wrinkly. I think he’s about 80 now. But he’s always looked 80. That’s the thing.

LEWIS: (While laughing) Ever since he was born, like Benjamin Button.

SIMON: Yeah, except he hasn’t actually gotten younger. Or smaller.

Lewis cracks up.

LEWIS: He’s just stayed 80. His whole life.

SIMON: It’s quite cool, actually. I think he’s just kept growing. He hasn’t stopped growing, you know? Puberty hit, and it didn’t go away. Puberty hit, he turned 80 years old when he was 13 -

LEWIS: You know, old men like this…

SIMON: - and he just kept growing.

LEWIS: He went through some spots and stuff. Went through a period of, you know, like, being rude to his parents. Who were long dead.

Simon laughs.

SIMON: That was just a weekend. And then once that weekend was over, he just became an 80 year old man.

LEWIS: He’s just swearing at their graves.

FARMER (LEWIS): Fuck you, I’m not… Ah...

FARMER (SIMON): Ain’t no fucking… (Gibberish).

LEWIS: Oh, man. No, but, old men like that are -

SIMON: Lovely.

LEWIS: Resilient people.

SIMON: Mmm.

LEWIS: Aren’t they?

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: No! What do you mean?

SIMON: Ahhh.

LEWIS: Like a reverse pedophile. I’m not saying I love old people! Hang on, that’s not what I was gonna say! Old people like that are just the most hardy, tough as nails people you will ever meet, you know? They’ve got these thick, old, wiry muscles, and they just… My dad’s about 70, okay? One time I came home from work -

SIMON: Woah, what, he’s 70? What the fuck?

LEWIS: Yeah, my dad’s pretty old. He’s about 70.

SIMON: Holy shit.

LEWIS: Yeah, he’s a player. My mom’s quite young. Anyway, um, respect.

SIMON: Your mom’s 30.

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: I was, I think this was when I was like, living somewhere else, and I’d like, come home. And it was sort of winter time, you know? It was cold, it was miserable, it was raining down and stuff. And I came home, and the first thing I saw was, like, a ladder. Now, you know, your dad probably has - Everyone’s dad has a ladder in the garage. Right, which they’ve…

SIMON: Yeah, a step-ladder or something.

LEWIS: Yeah, like, no, like, a proper ladder, like…

SIMON: An extendable ladder. Like, those two ladders stuck together.

LEWIS: Yeah. That’s right. There’s two ladders stuck together. And, it’s like, it looks like the most unstable thing in the world. But, when it, you know, when it gets put out to full length, you know, you can go on top of a house. So we’ve got, like, this standard attached two-story ladder.

SIMON: (Scoffs). I was *actually* given the wrong type of ladder. I fell, and hurt me shoulder ‘n ‘and. I called claims direct and I got two-thousand pound.

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: Oh, god.

SIMON: “I was *actually* given the wrong type of ladder.” What does that mean? “I was *actually* given the wrong type of ladder.” What a thing to say!

LEWIS: “I was *actually* given the wrong type of ladder.”

SIMON: That’s what he says!

LEWIS: So, my, I came home.

SIMON: Yes.

LEWIS: And my dad was there, on the roof, right? Which, is obviously not, like, a flat roof. It’s one of these slanty roofs, you know, with like, tiles on it. And he’s, you know, throwing, like, broken tiles off the roof and, like, replacing them, really precariously balanced on top of like…. I mean, he’s like 70, right? So -

SIMON: So, hang on, what was he doing up on the roof? Was, was the old world starting to get him down, and were people just too much for him to face?

LEWIS: No, he just -

SIMON: So he climbed all the way to the top of the stairs, and all of his cares just drifted right off into space?

LEWIS: (Singing). Up on the roof... Is that how it goes?

SIMON: Yes, except in tune.

LEWIS: Thanks. Um, so he’s on the roof, right? And I was like, “Hi, dad! What’s up? Why are you on the roof?” And he’s like, “Oh, I’m just doing some mends on tiles.” And so I was like, “Alright…” And so I went in, and I was like, “Hi mom.” And she was like -

Simon starts laughing.

SIMON: You just hear this crash… (Lewis starts laughing too.) And this, “Ahh!”

LEWIS: Um…

SIMON: You saw him, like, flash past the window…

LEWIS: The upstairs bathroom window.

SIMON: Oh, my god.

LEWIS: B- But, the moral of the story is that -

SIMON: So was he alright?

LEWIS: Yeah, he was fine.

SIMON: Did he bad - Did he badgley… Did he badly injure his shoulder and hand?

LEWIS: Quite the opposite! I think he was, like, you know, better off for it! You know, afterwards. You know, he felt, like -

SIMON: He was better off? What?

LEWIS: Well… He’s one of these… You know, he’s one of these old… Thing is, when you’re, I think when you get old, it's one of these things that you don’t… You kind of misjudge what you’re capable of doing. Physically, you know? You forget that you can’t just climb on the roof and do these things, or ride a motorbike, or, you know, walk ten miles or whatever. You just sort of forget, you just assume that you can do it, and a lot of the time, I think, you probably can’t. But, there’s no way you can stop people. It’s like being a kid again. You have to kind of let people make their own mistakes. I’m not saying falling off the roof is probably a good one, and there’s no way I could’ve stopped, any of us could’ve stopped him, like, doing the stuff he does. He’s quite, you know…

SIMON: You have to physically hold him back from retrieving his double ladder from the shed.

LEWIS: Oh, my god, the double ladder. I mean, they are the weirdest things. Have you seen how they work?

SIMON: Yes, I am aware of how a double ladder works. Yeah.

LEWIS: Do you reckon, like, a double ladder is one of those, sort of, qualifications for being an old man. The day you think, “Do you know what I need? I need to go and buy a double ladder.” That day you know that you’re an old man.

SIMON: "I just, you know, the aerial’s a bit dodgy, the satellite dish is a bit dodgy, so I won’t call anyone to do it for me."

LEWIS: No, I’ll go to B&Q -

SIMON: I’ll just go to Ikea, DHF -DH, DHF? What?

LEWIS: DHS? Don’t they sell sofas?

SIMON: I mean, they do?

LEWIS: Isn’t that DFS?

SIMON: That’s DFS. Oh, for fuck’s sake.

LEWIS: They sell, there’s, there’s always a sale on at DFS.

SIMON: Yeah. There’s an old joke, about the unluckiest person in the world. They went to DFS and there wasn’t a sale on.

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: Oh, my god. What, where were we?

SIMON: Can you imagine that? You look at the sofa, and you look at the price tag, and a 5-9-9 is crossed out, and instead it says 9-9-9, and you’re like, “Oh, for fuck’s…”

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: And, you fucking, and the day you went, as well, was the day that it was snowing, and it took you ages to get there, and you’re like -

SIMON: Well, I’m here now. I may as well buy a fucking sofa.

LEWIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’ll cost me 30 quid in petrol to drive back here next week anyway.

SIMON: To save myself 400 pounds. (Laughs). It’s just not worth it!

LEWIS: So, so, you’ve got your double ladder…

SIMON: This is gonna be horrible for you to, um, to edit.

Simon is audibly chewing.

SIMON: Cause I’m eating.

LEWIS: You’re always eating!

SIMON: Actually, you know what I should do? I should periodically say what time it is, as well. That’ll really fuck you up. Just in mid-sentence, I’ll say what the time is.

They both start laughing.

SIMON: So when you edit it together, it’ll just be me, saying all these different times, hours apart.

LEWIS: So, you’re, what, you’re just going to say different times as well, are you? As well, like, randomly, “It’s 7:44.”

SIMON: I would just randomly half past four say the time.

LEWIS: So, you’ve gone to DFS. You’ve bought a double ladder, strapped it to the roof of your car, you know. You drive all the way back home, precariously, with this thing hanging off your car -

SIMON: (Laughing) You’re probably featured on like, police camera action.

Lewis snorts.

SIMON: Narrated by Dermot Mergnaherd or whoever…

NARRATOR (LEWIS): Look at this idiot! He’s driving with a ladder strapped to his car! Swinging wildly across the road. Endangering pedestrians! Look here, he’s -

NARRATOR (SIMON): Dozens of people could’ve been killed!

LEWIS: So, you get back home, you get your double ladder out, and you like, you know, put it up against the side of your house -

SIMON: You’re like the happiest person in the world. You’re like, “Ah, fuck. I, I have a double ladder. I’ve always wanted one, and now I have it.”

LEWIS: So, you go up onto the roof, and you fiddle with your satellite dish or whatever it is, and then you go back in, and your TV works perfectly. And you sit down, and you have a nice cup of tea, and a shortbread, uh, shortcake, and uh… You watch, like -

SIMON: You slip your slippers on.

LEWIS: - you watch, like -

SIMON: You watch Countdown. Countdown, and, um, Deal or No Deal. With your cup of tea.

LEWIS: Fifteen to One.

SIMON: And then you realize. Suddenly it hits you. You’re an old man, and you’ve turned into your father.

LEWIS: Yep.

SIMON: And then you go up into the attic. You take out your grandfather’s service revolver…

They both begin laughing.

SIMON: Load it…

LEWIS: What do you mean?

SIMON: You hold it, against your chin.

LEWIS: You don’t get your service revolver.

SIMON: Facing up. And you blow your fucking brains out.

LEWIS: What do you mean? No you don’t! You go back downstairs and you wave it at the kids outside, who are like, doing graffiti on your, on your, like, front fence.

SIMON: And then the police have the audacity to come and arrest *you*, you who haven’t committed any crime.

LEWIS: Absolutely. Just defending your property against some young…

SIMON: And you know what they do? You know what they do to those kids?

LEWIS: Fucking youth of today!

SIMON: They take the kids, right? They give the kids a warning, it’s not even on their permanent record, and then they have to go on a course.

LEWIS: So what you do is -

SIMON: To South America.

LEWIS: - you go back home -

SIMON: And you know who pays for that? You know who pays for that? You and I. Our taxes go towards that.

LEWIS: You do, yeah. You pay for them to go to school, to get an education, you pay for their whole day…

SIMON: You know what we should do? We should just go to the cash point, withdraw all of our money, and just like, go to a playground, and just hand out money. And then, (Laughing), ask the kids for favors.

LEWIS: And then we’ll be arrested again.

SIMON: And then get arrested, and the police…

Both laughing.

LEWIS: You’ve still got the service revolver.

SIMON: The police have the audacity to arrest *you* for trying to solicit sexual favors from children! They have the audacity to arrest you! I mean, what kind of a world is it that we live in.

LEWIS: The whole world’s gone to the dogs.

SIMON: You know what? Richard Littlejohn and John Gaunt, they’ve got the right idea, you know? They should be, they should be elected. They should be prime minister.

LEWIS: Who?

SIMON: Both of them should be joint prime minister. Richard Littlejohn and John Gaunt.

LEWIS: Do you reckon conjoined twins could be prime minister? Or would they have to like, just, one of them -

SIMON: I think they would die before they, you know, got to any high public office.

LEWIS: What do you mean?

SIMON: In the time that it took them to advance through the ranks.

LEWIS: What are you saying? Are you saying that, like, a disabled person could never be prime minister?

SIMON: No, I’m saying that conjoined twins have a low life expectancy, and would die, probably in their teens.

LEWIS: What are you saying? No they don’t. Some of them are quiet old.

SIMON: Not very many of them. Like, most of them die, you know, in childbirth or in the womb.

LEWIS: Alright, alright, let’s say, um...

SIMON: So, you know, a lot of them don’t even make it to, like, childhood. Those that do reach childhood often have lots of complications with their internal organs because they’re sharing it.

LEWIS: Alright, alright, alright, let’s say that there’s, like, a disability which isn’t quite as severe. Right? Like, mental retardation.

SIMON: A man…

Simon laughs.

SIMON: Well look at George W. Bush! Oooh!

They both laugh.

LEWIS: Oh, snap.

SIMON: Wow.

Transition music plays.

SIMON: You’re listening to the YoGPoD.

SIMON: I mean, what is, what do you think is the most severe physical disability that someone could have, and they could still become, like, president or prime minister of a country?

LEWIS: Well, think about it, Blunkett, is blind, isn’t he? David Blunkett.

SIMON: He’s blind, yeah.

LEWIS: But, did he, was he born blind? Or did he go blind, later?

SIMON: He’s a cabinet minister.

LEWIS: He was pretty close.

SIMON: What is he doing now?

LEWIS: Um… I think he got hit by a car.

SIMON: God, I’m not even sure what he is now.

LEWIS: I think he’s not in the…. He might be still in the government. I don’t know. Anyway, he’s blind, so that’s pretty good for the old blindies.

SIMON: Yeah. What the fuck does he do now?

LEWIS: I think deaf would probably be okay, as well. Well, it might be a little annoying in the House of Commons.

SIMON: I think he’s just like, a back bencher now. He’s not got any position in the government at all.

LEWIS: Didn’t he used to be the treasurer? Or the Chancellor of the Exchange?

SIMON: He used to be the Home Secretary.

LEWIS: Oh, did he?

SIMON: Um… Secretary of State for Education, work pensions.

LEWIS: I don’t really know what any of those things are. Chancellor of all these nonsense names, yeah. Home Secretary. Is that, like, national secretary?

SIMON: It’s…. Pretty much, yeah. It’s, um, the prison system, and lots of stuff to do with immigration, essentially. Oh, the police, and stuff, of course.

LEWIS: What do you think, could we have like, a one-legged prime minister?

SIMON: We probably have had one. Actually, Gordon Brown has only got one working eye, so, that’s pretty good.

LEWIS: Oh, god. That’s pretty good.

SIMON: He, um, he, lost his sight in one eye while he was playing rugby. When he was at uni or something.

LEWIS: Well, that’s the way you want to do it, isn’t it? You don’t want to say, oh, yeah, I, I, it got poked in a Chinese restaurant.

SIMON: Someone poked his eye out. Gouged at his eye. Isn’t that horrible?

LEWIS: Well, that’s what they do, isn’t it? Eye gouging, common in rugby. Pretty scary sport. Well, do you reckon we had like a pirate for a prime minister, with one leg, like, previously.

SIMON: Um… We had Admiral Nelson -

LEWIS: Peg-legged.

SIMON: - who, who, only had like, one working arm and one eye. Um, who was the cripple president? Was it FDR?

LEWIS: I don’t really wanna call him the cripple president.

SIMON: He, he didn’t have, um, he didn’t allow people to take photographs of him, when, you know, in his wheelchair or something.

LEWIS: Franklin D.

SIMON: Oh, here we go. Polio. Um… So he was paralyzed from the waist down.

LEWIS: Oh, dear.

SIMON: “In 2003, a peer-reviewed study found it was more likely that Roosevelt’s paralytic illness was actually…” Gillian-Baray syndrome?

LEWIS: Oh, Guillain-Barré.

SIMON: What is that?

LEWIS: I think it’s… ‘Gillone-Baray.’

SIMON: Gillawn… Barré. Iz very nice, very rich. It’s called, ‘GBS,’ for short. Well, bugger me.

LEWIS: No thanks.

SIMON: Not even if we wrestle, and you accidentally slip out of your shorts, and… (Breaks into laughter) I don’t want to go on.

LEWIS: I think that would be bugger me by accident, wouldn’t it.

SIMON: Accidental buggery. It’s on the increase. It’s a particularly high risk of it occurring if you’re a wrestler.

Lewis chuckles.

LEWIS: And, you’re aroused in the ring, with all the slippery oils around. Not a sumo wrestler. I doubt it’s even possible.

SIMON: I think it could happen, though. I mean, if, if you’re doing something, if you’re exerting yourself, sometimes you can get an erection. I don’t know what it is, but um…

LEWIS: Do you reckon… No!

SIMON: Yeah! It happens, I can’t remember what it’s called.

LEWIS: When was the last time you exerted yourself?

SIMON: (Laughs). Ah, this morning, actually.

LEWIS: Did your ten mile run, did you?

SIMON: What is it, there’s a name for it…

LEWIS: Gillian Barray.

SIMON: Thing is, I don’t want to google it, because fuck knows what I’ll find.

LEWIS: Accidental buggery?

Simon laughs.

SIMON: Accidental buggery.

LEWIS: I mean, I was trying to say, among sumo wrestlers, like…. Do you reckon that would actually be possible?

SIMON: Oh, they’re very large, aren’t they?

LEWIS: Yeah, they’re both so large.

SIMON: So you’re saying that it’s impossible for a sumo wrestler to have sex essentially.

LEWIS: No, with another sumo wrestler.

SIMON: Two sumo wrestlers. Jesus. God, that’d be quite a sight. I think I would pay to see that.

LEWIS: I’m sure there’s a website you can pay to see it on. www.sumolove.com. Don’t type that it, it may or may not exist. If it doesn’t exist, can someone please buy it, and link it to yogscast.com? Thanks.

SIMON: God, what is the personal life of a sumo wrestler like?

LEWIS: They’re very famous. You know, they’re almost revered in their country.

SIMON: They are gods amongst men. They kind of look a bit like Buddha.

LEWIS: No, because Japan isn’t a hindu country, or a buddhist country, is it? Traditionally, they’ve been a very, uh…

SIMON: They worship their house god, or whatever.

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: Their little goblin fella who looks after the house. They’re ghosts. Their ancestors. They worship their ghostly ancestors.

LEWIS: I mean, the way I kind of think about it is that, you know, back in like, Henry the eighth sort of times, Tudor times, and that, people didn’t have as much food as they do these days, and it wasn’t as easy to get overweight. You know, today we have processed foods, which are extremely nutritious, and extremely, you know… nourishing. And it’s very, very easy to get overweight. In those days, you really had to eat a lot, and you really had to live a life of luxury to get overweight. So, people, you know, you see these classical images of these overweight people, and they’re kind of, you know, that was the beauty back then.

SIMON: So, you’re saying you find fat people attractive.

LEWIS: They did back then. But they weren’t like, horrifically overweight.

SIMON: But what about you, personally?

LEWIS: I don’t.

SIMON: You personally find -

LEWIS: No.

SIMON: - great big heffers, beautiful.

Lewis laughs.

LEWIS: I wouldn’t call them that, but I wouldn’t say they were particularly attractive either. I guess sumo wrestling is sort of the Japanese equivalent of that, isn’t it?

SIMON: So, I mean… So, in ye olden days, when food was rare, and it was a privilege to have, like a meal… What the local village would do is they would pick one person, a big strong man, and they would give him all of their food, and then they would go to the next village, and they would have the two giant men fight each other in a sand ring with a rope around it.

LEWIS: I don’t think that’s too far from what may have happened, yeah.

SIMON: So, I mean, was this guy like, the chief? Or, like, the mascot of the village? Or, the champion of the village? He was the hero. The big strong warrior of the village.

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: And if anybody, you know, if any, like, raiders, or, you know, vagabonds, or pirates, decided to attack their village, they would send out their giant man. And he would just, like, you know, howl and gnash his teeth. And they would all just run with their tails between their legs, figuratively speaking. This doesn’t actually sound all that far-fetched.

LEWIS: I don’t whether they’re necessarily, like, as fat as we would imagine. I mean, we are like, you know, we get a lot of images from, like, America and the internet of like, really disgusting fat people, and I don’t think sumo wrestlers are actually that disgustingly fat, they’re just -

SIMON: They are. They are.

LEWIS: - big, heavy guys.

SIMON: They are. They eat, like, a lot.

LEWIS: What, what do they eat? Pork noodles? Maybe we can get Zhuang Ji on the phone, and he can tell us what he knows about them.

SIMON: What they do is, they don’t eat breakfast. So their metabolism stays slow.

LEWIS: No, I’d like Zhuang Ji to tell me.

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Hello!

Lewis laughs.

SIMON: He’s - he’s not Japanese, he’s Chinese! He doesn’t know anything about sumo.

LEWIS: Oh. Shit, have I just insulted his family?

SIMON: Yes.

LEWIS: I’m sorry.

SIMON: So -

LEWIS: Can you apologize for me?

SIMON: What they do is, they get up in the morning, they don’t eat breakfast, to keep their metabolism down. When they exercise, they do it on an empty stomach, to keep their metabolism down again. Every time they eat, they have a nap, so they don’t burn off any of that energy. And they eat shitloads late at night, before they go to bed. Actually, shit, this is what I do, pretty much.

LEWIS: You’ve got the perfect physique for sumo wrestling.

SIMON: Fuck.

LEWIS: They do say that foreigners are allowed to participate. Would you consider wrestling?

SIMON: I would like to be, like, The Big Show, from WWE.

LEWIS: The Big Show. Oh, my god. I don’t even know who that is. Some of your pop culture references are even a little bit too obscure for me.

SIMON: He’s really big. He’s called Paul Randall Ry- Paul Wa - ugh. Paul Randall White Jr.

LEWIS: Maybe Zhuang Ji should try and say it.

SIMON: The Big Show.

ZHUANG JI (SIMON): Paul Wandal Light.

SIMON: He’s called The Big Show. He’s seven feet tall! Right? He’s seven feet tall, and he weighs 440 pounds.

LEWIS: Now, I don’t know how much that is, because we don’t use pounds.

SIMON: It’s 200 kilograms.

LEWIS: How many pounds in a stone? 13 pounds in a stone.

SIMON: 14. It’s 14 pounds in a stone.

LEWIS: You sure? (Laughs). Learn to Imperial. 440 divided by 14, let’s see what Google says… See, I can’t do like, basic maths in my head anymore. 31. He’s thirty one and a half stone?

SIMON: He’s thirty one and a half stone, and he’s seven feet tall.

LEWIS: Good god.

SIMON: He’s a monster. He is a fucking monster, and he’s awesome.

LEWIS: He doesn’t look like he has a fat belly on him, from the pictures.

SIMON: He’s my hero. Well, no he’s, I mean, he’s well built. He carries it well.

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: Um…

LEWIS: Bearing in mind he’s literally wearing, like, a micro one piece.

SIMON: Ohhh.

LEWIS: Ugh. And knee supports, I guess to support the 32 stone.

SIMON: Ahhh. Jesus.

LEWIS: “Finishing moves: The Choke Slam. The Cobra Clutch Backbreaker, segued into a Cobra Clutch.”

SIMON: I don’t know what that is.

LEWIS: Apparently it’s used as a regular move.

SIMON: I know the choke slam that he does, that’s really cool.

LEWIS: “The Final Cut Spinning Headlock Elbow Drop. The Right-Handed Knockout Hook.”

SIMON: Just ignore that. That’s all nonsense. The choke slam -

LEWIS: Do you wanna hear his, um -

SIMON: - he does, right? He puts his massive fucking hand around the guy’s neck, picks him up, and then throws them to the floor. That’s what a choke slam is. It is beautiful.

LEWIS: Oh, my god. What’s a Cobra Clutch?

SIMON: Picking someone up by their fucking neck, can you, I mean, can, I mean, Jesus. This monster of a man.

LEWIS: “Four Hand Chop. Signature Moves: Bear Hug. Headbutt. Hip Attack.” What’s the Hip Attack?

SIMON: A really cool way to hurt someone.

LEWIS: “Also known as a Butt Bump, this attack is usually performed with a running start, when a wrestler jumps into the air, spins around, and thrusts his pelvis backwards, hitting the opponent’s head or chest with the buttocks.”

SIMON: Accidental buggery can often occur.

Lewis laughs.

SIMON: It’s a quarter to five.

LEWIS: It’s - It’s a quarter to five…

SIMON: Just thought I’d throw that in there.

They both laugh.

LEWIS: Oh, for fucks sake. Why are we getting timestamps now? This is a disaster.

SIMON: Because it fucks up your editing. Did you not remember me saying this? So, when you edit it together, it’s gonna consist of just me saying the time an awful lot. And instead of, like, a simple ten minute conversation, it’ll be revealed to be, like, a four hour conversation that’s been edited down to appear as though it only lasted ten minutes.

LEWIS: My god.

SIMON: A choke slam. I would do a choke slam on you, if we wrestled. I would so fucking do that to you.

LEWIS: Why are you so excited to, like, wrestle with me?

SIMON: You would, you would be fucked. I would just grab you by the fucking neck -

LEWIS: I’d do a, um…

SIMON: - with my arm...

LEWIS: I’d do a tombstone on you.

SIMON: Oh, wow, I’m not, oh shit, what is a tombstone? That’s like, a kind of, um…

LEWIS: I don’t know.

SIMON: Clothesline.

LEWIS: Undertaker is the only, like, wrestler that I know. I think a tombstone’s kind of like a...

SIMON: Oh, it’s a pile-driver.

LEWIS: Yeah, yeah. A pile-driver. What the hell -

SIMON: “It’s the throw, where you, like, mash their head into the floor or something.”

LEWIS: Yeah. What’s a go-go platter?

SIMON: Lomadia’s chatting with me. We’re talking to each other. Shall I ask her what she’s wearing?

LEWIS: Yeah.

SIMON: She, she’s probably wearing that blue hoodie, from that photo. Ahh.

LEWIS: Goodness no.

Lewis laughs.

SIMON: And she’s wearing -

LEWIS: Stop touching yourself!

SIMON: - a pair of sumo wrestler pants.

LEWIS: Put your hands back on your keyboard.

SIMON: She’s wearing Ugg boots. Oh, for fucks sake. Why aren’t you talking on vent? You fucking idiot.

LEWIS: Because we can’t just have random people, like, talking in the Yogscast.

SIMON: Ten to five.

LEWIS: It’ll confuse the listener.

Simon laughs.

LEWIS: It’s *eleven* to five.

SIMON: It’s ten to five, and you’re listening to the Yogscast’s snowed-in special! With Xephos and Honeydew. Ding!

LEWIS: This is dedicated to Shika, by the way. This show is dedicated to - I love her. Oh, god, I love her!

[Outro theme]

HANNAH: Tune in for part two of the Yogscast next week.