Sick Jan

H&R Block

[FLEMING]
When I first met Jan, I thought she was a regular desert woman
Grey buzzcut, enough turquoise to get into Stevie Nicks' house
No questions asked
What I didn't know was Sick Jan was an absolute nihilist
Who was willing to risk it all for me
She looks at my forms
Puts her head on her desk
For an unreal amount of time

[FLEMING, spoken]
Oh, I could go to literally anyone else, there's several other tax preparers here.

[JAN, spoken]
No, it's okay, (cough), it's okay. (cough)

[JAN]
Ron gets the best Yelp reviews of anyone here
But between you and me, he's a bit of a priss

[FLEMING]
Not really between you and me
Because Ron's six inches away
And you're screaming (Screaming)
In an otherwise silent office

[JAN]
(cough) It's not looking good, Christopher
Do you work from home?

[FLEMING, spoken]
Yes

[JAN]
Is the sole purpose of that room for your office?

[FLEMING, spoken]
No, we eat there too, so—

[JAN, spoken]
What I'll do for you, I'm gonna claim a home office.

[FLEMING, spoken]
Okay, great.

[JAN, spoken]
What we're doing here today, we could both go to jail for a long time.

[FLEMING, spoken]
Wait, what?

[FLEMING]
Sick Jan, we don't have to claim a home office
If it means we'll both go to jail

[JAN, spoken]
Christopher, I'll do it for you! (cough)

[FLEMING]
What? No! Why?
Why?

[JAN, spoken]
I'm happy to do this. If the IRS come in, though, and they see you doing anything but work, we will both go to prison.

[FLEMING]
Sick Jan, we don't have to claim a home office
If it means we're both going to jail

[JAN, spoken]
For a long time (cough)

[FLEMING]
How many Jason Statham movies are you watching, Sick J?

[FLEMING]
Every single year, I'd go back to H&R Block
And I'd demand to work with Sick Jan
And she was always available
Because I don't think anyone wanted to work with her
Because she was obsessed with the idea of going to jail
Or maybe no one wanted to deal
With her celebratory sneezes and coughs
Each cough was a celebration and each sneeze was a gunshot

[JAN, spoken]
(sneeze)

[FLEMING]
The next year I go back to that H&R Block
I walk in with my forms held high
Sick Jan puts her head on her desk
For an amount of time that would make me uncomfortable
If I weren't used to her strange bullshit

[JAN, spoken]
Ugh... Okay, here we go again (cough)
You wanna do the home office? (cough)

[FLEMING, spoken]
I mean, not if It's an issue.

[JAN, spoken]
No, it's not an issue, it's not an issue. (cough)

[JAN & FLEMING, spoken]
I just want you to know, Christopher
If the IRS come to your house
And see that you have more than one use for your home office
Here it goes
Then you and I will lose our freedom
Right, then let's not do that.
You and I will be caked in subpoenas
We're going to the Big House
Uncle Sam's Naughty Box!

[JAN, spoken]
I'll do it though! I'll do it for you!

[FLEMING & JAN]
Sick Jan, we don't have to claim a home office
I don't mind!
If it means we'll both go to jail
I just want you to know that you and I
Are both booking tickets to Whitey Bulger's final Airbnb
Sick Jan, your fantasy of going to jail with me
The IRS is gonna come pick your small ass up
Is becoming a problem with our working relationship
With a shish kabob that I'm also on and take us both to the People's Pound!
When they drive your Corolla
That they reclaim through your house
And see you not working in your office
Just staring out the window like Carole King (Carole King)
Then you and I will go to Can't Order Pizza Anymore Island

[FLEMING, spoken]
Sick Jan, of course, was either fired or quit from H&R Block. Last time I saw her was in line at the 2016 election and she pretended to not know me. But when we locked eyes, she had that look in her eye

[FLEMING]
That crazy Sick Jan look
It said to me

[JAN]
I'm old enough to know that not all dreams come true
You and I never made it jail, Chris
And it's hard for me to face the embers of that dream
Here in line to vote
But what if—Christopher! It's not too late!
Let's take out our cellphones in the voting booth
We can still do hard time!

[COMPANY]
Sick Jan, Sick Jan
Sick Jan, Sick Jan
Sick Jan, Sick Jan
Sick Jan